Trusting yourself to make good decisions when recovering from abuse-related trauma is a journey that takes time. I often hear from men and women who find themselves doubting themselves, unable to take risks in relationships and generally stuck in self-imposed isolation. Building one’s self-confidence after being in an abusive relationship takes some intention and a little wisdom.
In addition, many of us receive a message from the church that separates us further from ourselves. If the world, the flesh, and the devil are our worst enemies, we learn to avoid the former, ignore the middle (our flesh), and flee the latter. But too often, ignoring our bodies involves recklessly ignoring our personalities. The word “flesh” in this sentence refers to our sinful nature, not to our whole self, which is precious to God. But if we want to love our enemies as ourselves, how can we hope to begin if we don’t know how to love ourselves?
To have good relationships with others, we must first have a good relationship with ourselves. So learning to listen to our body, our emotions, and our thoughts, and to give ourselves loving attention without becoming our idols, is a fine line every Christian must walk. God has given us the five senses, the emotions, the mind, and the spirit with which we perceive reality. Like good soldiers, we must trust that we must learn to use the weapons at our disposal to keep ourselves safe and fight for the good of others.
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For me, the barriers to trusting myself were complex and took some time to discover. Below is a short list of those obstacles facing anyone trying to renew a relationship with themselves. I’ve found that addressing each of these has helped me regain healthy boundaries as well as reaffirm good grounded judgment that I’ve neglected for so long.
1: We must not lie to ourselves.
If we live in denial of our reality, trusting ourselves becomes impossible. After all, no one trusts someone who lies to them over and over again. If we lie to ourselves, telling ourselves we’re okay when we’re not, or that we love people we don’t love, or that we don’t have a problem with addiction or harmful situations when we do, we have made ourselves untrustworthy. Simply put, if we pretend that things are not what they are, we are waging war against our bodies. Our bodies cannot lie, although our minds can. If we label a lie with what our bodies know to be true, such as a dangerous situation, an abusive relationship, or self-harming behavior, we know deep down that we are not safe for the main person we are responsible for. ourselves.
2: We must not lie to others.
Lying to others takes a myriad of forms. Most commonly, the victim of abuse wears a mask. Wearing a mask is a lie because we pretend to be something we are not. Our entire existence can become a lie that began as a self-protection mechanism. Victims of abuse often adopt this mask because it is not safe to be around their abuser. They become moving targets, turning into whatever person the abuser wants them to be at the moment. The result of this is that the key person can get lost. Self-confidence starts with knowing who you are. If we do not take off our masks, we become unrecognizable to others, but also ourselves. Trusting ourselves if we are unknown is impossible. Moreover, if we lie to people, we know that we are untrustworthy, even to ourselves.
3: We must not ignore our thoughts and feelings.
I learned to trust my second husband because he cared about how I felt and wanted to know what I was thinking. This surprised me because, in my first marriage, it was better to bury my thoughts and feelings. They only caused me pain and the inevitable trust struggle with my narcissistic abuser. For a long time, I thought my feelings didn’t matter. All that matters is maintaining some elusive sense of peace and security. But when we think we don’t matter, we stop believing in ourselves. Our emotions and beliefs simmer beneath the surface, causing stressful reactions in our bodies. I know I could never trust my ex because I didn’t care about him. But what I later realized was that self-confidence started with admitting that I truly mattered.
4: We should take full care of ourselves.
Sometimes I read blogs that insist that self-care is selfish. But self-care is like money. Money itself is merely a morally neutral instrument. I’m sure self-care is sometimes used as an excuse for self-indulgence. But for a victim of trauma and/or abuse, self-care is an essential skill that begins with treating oneself with the kind of tender care with which one would treat a loved one. Eating well, showering, wearing clothes that fit and feel good, avoiding dangerous situations, and staying away from bad people are acts of self-care that are revolutionary for someone who is being systematically abused. But the more we take good care of ourselves, exposing our hearts, minds, and bodies to the good things and staying away from the bad, the more confidence we will build in ourselves.
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Trusting ourselves is no different than trusting another person. Trust takes time to build. Good decisions and kind treatment cultivate a relationship of trust with others and with ourselves. The long-term effects of abuse destroy our ability to trust anyone, even ourselves. Self-destructive tendencies often result from abuse. How can we trust ourselves if we don’t care what happens to us?
Unfortunately, experiencing severe abuse can negatively impact our ability to have a relationship with God. Once the foundation of self-confidence is cracked, God can feel very distant and unknowable. Ironically, when we begin to know and understand ourselves better, we can begin to build a bridge back to our Creator. He created us in His image, and His love can often be demonstrated in the ways we learn to care for ourselves. After all, just as He gave our bodies ways to heal, He also built mechanisms within our hearts and minds to find our way back to Him. If we are looking for what is right and good, even if that right and goodness comes in the form of our ability to take care of our lives, we will often find it. Truth and love are God’s frequencies, and tuning our minds, bodies, and spirits to those frequencies will help us hear His voice.
