Are you in love with someone who isn’t right for you? Ah.
We’ve all been there, perhaps without even realizing it. We meet someone, we get to know them, we fall in love, and we live in bliss for a while before the red flags start to show up more clearly.
But the red flags were always there, but the rose-colored glasses were initially rose-colored. And now those glasses have lost their rose-colored tint.
So here are 11 signs you’re in love with someone who isn’t right for you, according to psychology.
1) You keep waiting for things to get better
You’re falling for someone who isn’t right for you if you keep waiting for things to get better and they never do.
This may be an unpopular opinion: judge people based on what they show you, not what you think they might be. The potential is great, but if someone shows you their bad qualities, believe them.
If someone tells you they’re no good for you, believe them. Don’t think they’re trying to be nice, this isn’t a movie, and they’re not the antihero you’re trying to save.
Saying “waiting for things to get better” is just a nicer way of saying things are bad. And love can’t thrive in that chaos.
2) It leaves you feeling insecure
Reassurance is an unfamiliar word between the two of you. Instead, it makes you feel insecure, uncertain, and unsure.
It makes you feel like something is missing in you, and it makes you feel like they’re going to leave you at any moment. It’s like constantly creeping around them.
And this? That’s a very exhausting way to live and love someone.
That doesn’t mean that always seeking reassurance is healthy either. As with most things, there has to be a balance.
3) You keep feeling like you’re wrong
You keep feeling like you’re doing something wrong.
Or they make you feel like you’ve done something wrong even when you know you haven’t. And three guesses about this manipulation tactic!!!
Congratulations, you’re right, this is manipulation.
Dr. Robin Stern, psychotherapist and author of The Manipulation Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Subtle Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, has created a list to help you figure out if you’re being manipulated.
Here are some of them:
- You constantly doubt yourself.
- You can’t figure out why you’re unhappy, even though there are so many good things in your life.
- You know something is wrong, but you can’t articulate what it is, even to yourself.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You feel like you can’t do anything right.
4) You Feel Isolated
Feeling isolated in a relationship (or situation, whatever) is a warning sign. A big warning sign.
Psych Central says that isolation is something that should never be tolerated in a relationship, “Isolation isn’t always as obvious as being whisked away to a remote island.
Sometimes isolation can happen discretely and gradually over a long period.
Often, when it happens, you don’t realize it until you find yourself cut off from friends and family and without a support system.”
Those are the magic (tragic?) words, right? No support system.
A person who intentionally allows you to lose the people closest to you isn’t good for you. They want you to depend on them and others.
That’s not healthy and can be dangerous.
5) Good times are few and far between
This ties into the first point of waiting for things to get better, you’re waiting for the next good day. Over and over again, like a cycle.
They make mistakes, they apologize, they try to please you, they say they’ll change. Then they never do.
And you realize that all the good days can be counted on the fingers of one hand.
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I’m not saying that a relationship should only have good days, but all I’m saying is if there are more bad days than good days, what is the reality of the relationship?
6) Trust is nonexistent
You’re in love with someone who’s not good for you when trust is scarce between you.
And I’m not just talking about infidelity.
I’m talking about feeling like you can’t trust them with your decisions. I’m talking about feeling like you can’t trust them because they make you feel replaceable.
I’m talking about trust in general, the kind of trust that makes relationships grow.
7) You feel like you need to beg them to stay with you
They’re not good for you if you feel like you need to beg for their attention. Caring and caring for someone you’re romantically interested in or committed to should be the bare minimum.
If that’s not even in your dynamic, best friend, what do you do? It’s 2024, we should be done writing paragraphs to someone about asking them to love us the way we deserve.
We shouldn’t ask for the bare minimum.
8) You feel like you need to be someone else to please them
A person isn’t good for you if you need to play a role just to be with them. They aren’t good for you if your personality isn’t good enough for them.
If pretending is the only thing holding your relationship together, it won’t last. You can’t lie for long before the pieces start to fall apart.
And when the pieces start to fall apart, you’ll be in the middle of the mess.
If it does, when in this timeline do you start to lose focus on who you are? If “acting” is more appealing, where does your authenticity go?
Who gets to love that real part of you?
9) You give up on logic when you’re with them
You’re in an unhealthy relationship if you give up on logic when you’re with them.
Sure, there are times when “recklessness” can be nice, like someone pushing you out of your comfort zone to make you more adventurous or try new things.
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But it’s no longer nice when you forget your responsibilities and sense of self when you’re with them. It’s no longer okay when you indulge in bad behavior because of them.
Feel free to disagree with me but from a personal perspective, no loving relationship is worth the price of losing sight of who you are.
10) You Always Give In To Them
Giving In? Where?
It’s a pretty clear sign that you’re in an unhealthy relationship when the other person refuses to give in. When you’re the one who always gives in to their demands.
There’s a power imbalance.
11) Overstepping Boundaries
It’s impossible to make a list of warning signs without mentioning the concept of boundaries. It’s something that should be so obvious but tends to get overlooked.
Overlooked, why? Well, love tends to make even the smartest person act stupid when they’re involved in it. When you’re in love to the point where unintentional disrespect for boundaries becomes justified.
You’re in love with the wrong person if they make you neglect or ignore your boundaries all the time, especially non-negotiable boundaries.
However, if they don’t apologize even when it happens or if they make you think they don’t matter, it’s time to think.
Your boundaries are there to keep you safe, to make you comfortable, to let others know what you’re allowing into your life, and to let them know what you can offer.
A person who ignores all of that isn’t thinking about you.
Final Thoughts: “Illusion Isn’t Always the Answer”
Depending on which side of the internet you’re on, you’ve probably come across the phrase: “Illusion is the answer” (or “Illusion is the answer” for those who don’t speak the internet).
That’s not the case in this case. You can only convince yourself so many times before the lie becomes your truth. That’s a scary thought for a relationship with all these signs.
Don’t decorate your house with red flags that they’re waving in your face.
Tough love is not the love that can make you thrive. Destructive love is just misery finding its own company.
Don’t let it be you.
