The devastating cost of being in a narcissistic relationship is often overlooked, as if once a person leaves the relationship, the price is paid. Nothing could be further from the truth. An abusive marriage is a bit like a predatory loan. You will continue to pay interest long after the loan rate is paid off. I wish there had been more material twenty-five years ago when I was debating divorce. Little did I realize then that, in some sense, I was already too late. I could escape with my body, but true freedom would come much later.
So I thought I would compile a list of what staying with a narcissist will cost you. I imagine the list will vary from person to person. However, I also believe that some of these costs are the inevitable costs imposed by chronic trauma.
1: Abuse will cost you your physical health.
The World Health Organization covers the topic here in depth. The gist of the article states, “Women with a history of abuse are more likely than other women to report a range of chronic health problems such as headaches, chronic pelvic pain, back pain, abdominal pain, irritable bowel syndrome, and irritable bowel syndrome.” Gastrointestinal disorders.”
These issues started early for me. I arrived at the hospital with a bleeding ulcer on our first anniversary. It’s easy to assume that we, as an abused spouse, can somehow cope with the abuse and protect our children from some of these consequences. I’m sorry to say that no one provides adequate armor for their children – the incidents of health problems experienced by adult victims of child abuse mirror those experienced by adults. My daughters bear witness in their bodies to the abuse they have been subjected to. But this is only one cost of many.
2: Abuse will cost you and your children their mental health.
In general, the symptoms of PTSD are well known. For a short list, click here. Complex PTSD is a lesser-known but common consequence of chronic abuse. You are more likely to experience it if you have experienced the following at an early age:
Trauma that lasts for a long time
Escape or rescue is unlikely or impossible
Multiple traumas
Harm by someone close to you.
Now, a new term is emerging to challenge the damage inflicted by a narcissist. Post-narcissistic disorder involves a breakdown in the ability to fully engage in healthy relationships. Narcissistic victim syndrome affects partners and their children. I didn’t realize for years that the constant alertness and anxiety I was experiencing wasn’t normal at all, even after my first marriage ended. Unfortunately, my children have battled this and continue to battle this narcissistic disease of abuse.
3: Your faith and the faith of your children will suffer.
I don’t mean to suggest that a narcissist can destroy your faith, although he or she will try. But the same question appears again in the thousands of messages I receive from women and some men who are in abusive relationships. Why doesn’t God allow divorce? For a full discussion of this, click here. I can only say that God did not want me to live in fear. He miraculously arranged my release from this marriage. While many churches turn their backs on victims of abuse within marriage and instead create an idol of marriage itself, I know that God has set me free. But the shame of being a victim of abuse hinders our relationship with God.
Additionally, to abused children, God often seems like a narcissist: all-powerful and unforgiving. We think that idols are the things we love. This may be true in some cases. But idols are also things we fear more than God Himself, and fear is the currency of narcissists. I still find myself paying interest on it from time to time. My mind knows it probably won’t hurt me, but my body isn’t so sure. My daughters’ bodies and minds still remember that fear, too.
The change for me came when I discovered what true love looks like. Narcissistic abuse has a nasty way of erasing any understanding of love. Without love, we cannot understand our loving God.
4: Narcissistic abuse costs victims their innocence.
I will never know what one human being can do to another. I tried to fool myself with the usual lies because believing that he hurt me at the expense of being in so much pain was too painful. He was immature. He will grow up. He was a wounded soul. This is all true, and it is still not a sufficient reason. I hate the line that hurts people and hurts people. Many affected people do not turn out to be terrible people who abuse others.
What I see in my life, and the lives of my children and the women who call me, is that the loss of innocence continues. Narcissistic personality disorder and its Cluster B brethren do not arise in a vacuum. Sometimes, given enough time, the cycle of abuses passed down from generation to generation unravels.
The cost of leaving is high, but not higher than the cost of staying.
Leaving an abusive marriage is dangerous. Unfortunately, the legal system does not always do a good job of protecting innocent people. Church families sometimes get the wrong side. The abused partner is almost always wrongly accused. Narcissists are cruel and do not mind destruction. The cost of leaving is real, and I’m not underestimating it. I think victims should be careful about how they escape, realizing that they are moving from a daily battle aimed at slow killing to an all-out war aimed at annihilation.
But the cost of survival is unimaginable. It is a choice of destruction for you and your children. As the partner of a narcissist, you already have a stubborn enemy. Your life and the lives of your children are worth fighting for. And if you don’t fight for what’s right, who will? My children still thank me for escaping and giving them a chance at a good life. To you too.
