Whether the relationship is good, bad or ugly, the message is always the same: love is respect. However, in an abusive relationship, the line between love and respect is often blurred.
When this happens, victims like me feel alone, confused, and conflicted with their reality and place in the relationship. Nearly one in three college women say they’ve been in an abusive relationship, and the numbers are even higher for women of color.
These things are not talked about often within our communities and leave many women vulnerable to ignoring red flags.
A few years ago, I ignored them all so that someone would love me.
I met my ex-boyfriend during my first year in college. My previous relationship left me desperate to find someone who would accept me. I wanted to be seen and loved, and from our first few interactions, he amazed me.
It was simple for him. He had charisma and a gift for easy conversation. He connected with me through my interests and hobbies. He understood me and what made me tick.
Over time, he used every tool he could muster to manipulate, control, and abuse me.
Most days, I don’t know what to expect – if we’re going to be happy or fight. I was always worried that my actions or inaction would cause trouble. Fights over dishes will turn into reasons why my parents don’t like me. An argument about what movie to watch might turn into why I have no friends.
Trouble rose and fell like the tide, and I was always left to either sink or swim while he hung a life jacket in front of me.
For a long time, I let him. I allowed him to mistake my kindness and sensitivity for weakness. But after a while I realized that being with him was not love. I deserved better and I had to leave.
As easy as this conclusion may seem to come to, it was not at all obvious. There were some hard truths I had to face within myself before I found the strength to distance myself from him forever.
Related: 9 incredibly subtle forms of manipulation in a relationship, according to psychology
This is what I learned.
- Love is truly respect.
Aretha Franklin knew what she was talking about. Aside from the spelling lesson, she reminded us that we must demand that others treat us a certain way.
Abusers tend to be attracted to kind and compassionate people. They know that it will be easier for their partners to look at their self-destructive beliefs or painful past and feel sorry for them.
As a result, many people try to heal abusers, often neglecting their own needs in the process. That’s exactly what they want: control.
My ex was sneaky about how he would abuse me. He wasn’t shouting, his voice was “rising and falling with emphasis.”
That’s actually what he would say when he would call me a b**** or talk down to me about something as small as not asking if he needed something from the store on my way home. The guilt trips will be unbearable.
My good deeds would not go unpunished, and there were never enough good deeds. God forbid I didn’t acknowledge him and show gratitude. Attacks on my character would ensue, and I always ended up sleeping on the couch.
I know now that this is not respect, nor love. This is a mistake.
Related: 12 Things Passive-Aggressive People Do — But Don’t Realize
- External support is necessary.
I realize that a level of privacy is important for a healthy relationship, but abusive relationships take privacy to another level. There is secrecy, denial, scapegoating and gaslighting.
Being in a state of constant confusion and drama can cause a person to question their sense of identity within a relationship and within themselves. Therefore, having someone on the outside as a means of support is essential to the ongoing survival of the person suffering from abuse.
My partner and I relied on each other. That was a big reason he was able to keep me for as long as he did. It filled my need to be wanted and needed by someone else.
When I would try to leave, I would be afraid of life without him, thinking no one would see me the way he saw me. That dependency isolated me from my friends. He would always find ways to ruin my time with them, whether it was starting a fight or creating a false emergency that drove me away.
He also found ways to control my money. I didn’t have anything of my own. It was my girlfriends who finally made me realize that I wasn’t the bad guy in our relationship.
When we had bad fights, I would run to them with my problems, crying about my failure in not being the woman I was supposed to be. They were comforting me and warning me about the destructive nature of my relationship, but of course I didn’t listen.
I didn’t listen to their words until he became physically violent. They were the ones who gave me the strength to explore why I was staying with someone so cruel. They were the ones who opened my eyes to the fact that I deserve better.
When I hit the fan, they were the ones who gave me a game plan and got me out. My friends helped save my life.
- You need to reconnect with yourself.
When someone attacks you, day after day, you lose yourself. The compliments they give you no longer make you feel beautiful, and you start to feel like you’re just a shell of the person you once were.
I had been very proud of my interest in writing and the arts before meeting him, and I lost all of that. When I finally left, I had to rediscover myself and what brings me happiness.
- Choose you.
It took a lot of time and strength for me to finally be able to let go of him because, in a way, I loved him. I wanted what was best for him.
The problem was that I was willing to put his needs before my own. I allowed someone who didn’t respect me to take up space in my mind, body, and heart. I carelessly allowed him to take advantage of my sympathy and openness, hoping that one day he would get the same.
I had to understand that I cannot change people, I can only change myself. So, instead of choosing someone who would never love me the way I deserved, you chose me.
