The best way to escape a controlling or abusive relationship is to get out before you become emotionally addicted. But how do you know when a new romantic interest might turn into a problem partner?
This is easier said than done, I know. Everyone has a bad day or makes a mistake. So how do you know if one of these authoritarian episodes is an aberration or a warning?
Look for signs that they don’t want to change, or say they do and simply don’t want to. And of course, if they have more than just a few of the behaviors on the list, trust your gut and be safe.
Related: 10 Different Types Of Guys — And What Your Attraction To Them Says About You
Here are some early warning signs that someone is trying to control your life
- They monopolize your time
You spend all your free time with your partner, and you probably see him every day. If you’re spending time with someone else, your partner seems hurt, upset, or even angry.
- They call or text constantly
You may receive calls and texts 24/7, even if you spend a lot of time with this person. If you don’t respond right away, and your partner demands to know why, consider this a red flag.
- They play for your sympathy
Your new partner may talk about an abusive childhood, a scheming boss, or a treacherous former love interest. This warning sign is especially relevant if they told you that your ex was cheating on you, abusing you, or was mentally unbalanced (these are common accusations for abusers).
- Your partner overreacts to a trivial or nonexistent insult
They become angry or sullen over nothing or accuse you of saying or doing something that didn’t happen.
- Your partner is angry and says it’s your fault
During a debate, debate, or argument, your partner gets aggressive and says, “You made me say that,” or “You made me do that,” or “You made me crazy,” or something like that. If your partner blames you for their behavior, this is a classic control technique.
- Early on, your partner buys you expensive gifts
You’ve only been dating for a short time, but they’re buying you an expensive gift, like jewelry, electronics, or money, and it seems inappropriate. This may be an attempt to make you feel indebted.
- You see a sudden flash of ugliness that seems out of character for you
Maybe it’s not directed at you, but your partner is being rude to the waiter or someone else. If your partner treats you like gold, and suddenly you see a mean streak, the person’s mask has slipped and revealed what’s behind it.
- “Where did that come from?”
Your partner says or does something negative, and your immediate reaction is, “Huh? Where did that come from?” If you feel shocked, do not ignore the incident or reaction.
- All of your interactions are on your partner’s terms
You spend time at your partner’s home, with your partner’s friends and family, doing what your partner wants to do. It seems like you will never get to what you want to do. If your partner finally agrees to what you want, it makes the experience so miserable that you’ll never ask them again.
- Your partner starts criticizing you
In the beginning, your partner was constantly telling you how amazing you were. Now, they find things about you to criticize, even though the criticisms may be offered in the context of “helping” or “for your benefit.” Remember, romantic partners are supposed to be supportive.
- Your partner physically abuses you, even if they don’t hurt you
This is my main, my main, my main. If your partner pushes, hits, scratches, or chokes you, even slightly, you should assume he or she is testing you. Your partner may claim that it was an accident, that he didn’t mean to, and that it will never happen again. Your partner may be taking the first steps toward training you to tolerate physical abuse.
- Your partner crosses your boundaries
Your partner may make suggestions or requests that you find uncomfortable, all for the sake of added “fantasy” or “sexy.” Well, this may be the beginning of the uncomfortable demands, and the demands may escalate.
- You feel drained
Your partner may be demanding, although the demands are hidden in the context of wanting to spend a lot of time with you. You feel like you are constantly defending yourself. Whatever the reason, this relationship leaves you feeling drained. Keep in mind that controllers suck the life out of you.
What should you think? What should you do?
You may be tempted to interpret hyperattentive behaviors to mean that your new partner is in love with you. If you see some ugliness, you may feel like you should go easy on the person because we all have bad days. We all have wounds and baggage.
