What is empathy and why is it so important, especially lately?

Before the term “empathy” became popular and dozens of articles and books were written about it, the only example we had was the character Diana Troi in the old TV show Star Trek: The Next Generation.

She had this sad look on her face and said something like, “I feel so alone and in pain.”

Of course, we can’t integrate the mind and we don’t have ESP, but this kind of process is close to what empathy is all about.

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What is empathy?

To empathize with someone is to feel within yourself, for a moment, the feelings they are feeling when they talk about a situation with you.

If it’s a big promotion at work, you’ll feel as elated as they do. If you are a mother whose child comes home crying because of the school bully, it is important to feel how hurt and humiliated they are when you take them into your arms.
There is such a thing as too much empathy, but not enough to destroy the relationship.

The best way to describe how important empathy is in relationships is to look at what happens when it is inconsistent. In what kind of relationship does this happen?

Narcissistic people have borderline personality disorders, and people who struggle with addiction are notoriously self-centered. It’s always about their feelings and never yours.

This is abhorrent. But they’re not always that way, or they’ll never form relationships with anyone!

Living with someone for whom the quality of empathy in the relationship has returned, or stopped again, is a miserable journey.

To know why constant empathy is important in any relationship, here are some examples of this type of relationship.

1. A mother with borderline personality disorder and her 10-year-old daughter.

My mom had a lovely day. Something good has happened to her. Interactions with friends, her husband, or perhaps her parents went well.

She’s happy, or at least emotionally balanced.

Her 10-year-old daughter came home crying from school and reported that the popular girls in her class pointed at her and laughed — and she didn’t even know why.

She was the last person picked for basketball in gym class and had been that way all year.

On top of that, girls she doesn’t even know point and whisper at her in the school hall, and someone she’s never met sent her an ugly message on Facebook.

Today, my mother is having a very good day, so she pulls her daughter into her arms, kisses her, and reassures her that there is nothing wrong with her. I told her that she was a perfectly good person and that tomorrow she would call the teacher and discuss these issues.

She makes her daughter a cup of hot chocolate before she sits down to do her homework, and says something supportive, like: “I know you’re a great kid and always will be to me. It hurts when other people treat you that way.” For no reason, and you don’t deserve it.”

But, my mom is having a bad day. Maybe the traffic was bad, or maybe she asked her husband to take the family somewhere special for the weekend and he chose to catch up on work instead.

The daughter returns home with another story like yesterday’s. But today, my mother is upset and her sympathy has become full of blame! Directly down the pipes.

Today, the daughter is crying and my mom says something like, “I told my grandmother about this and she wanted to know what’s wrong with you that you don’t have any friends!”

Or she looks at her daughter’s tear-filled face and says, “You’re not like other girls,” in a sarcastic tone.

This is a surprising failure of empathy. (This happened to me, so it’s not a far-fetched story.)

2. A new romantic relationship.

Day 1: The guy meets the girl, flirts with her, asks her for her phone number, sends her clever text messages, and invites the girl to dinner and a movie.

During dinner a few nights later, the conversation comes up that the girl is having problems at work. The man listens and tells her he understands how upsetting the situation is.

She feels understood and cared for. Maybe she met a real friend instead of just “benefits!”

Day 120: Girl texted: “It’s been a rough day at work. Can you come over and watch a movie or talk?” No answer.

In fact, after three wonderful months filled with fun times and great sex, she’s starting to think they’re a couple and wants to introduce him to her friends and family.

In response, he takes a long time to respond to texts and begins criticizing her about her appearance. Acts distracted when you want to talk about anything.

Next week, you find old text messages on his phone indicating that he was in contact with the girl who dumped him last year the whole time. And they are full of X-rated chatter. This guy might be a narcissist.

When empathy is inconsistent in a relationship, it can undermine your self-esteem.

When someone with inconsistent empathy compliments you, understands you and cares for you, they are telling you that it is because of you – you are awesome!

When they turn it all off and attack or fire you, they are also pointing out that you are the reason.

It is easy to believe that this is the truth. You don’t know all the factors involved. There may be other factors that explain this person’s behavior that have nothing to do with you.

All you know is what you can see, and what you can see is: Once upon a time this person cared about your feelings, and now they don’t.

Consider the daughter in the first example. After this final exchange, she’ll walk away thinking, “I think there’s something wrong with me even if my mother said something like that.”

We were all treated like the second example by our friends. What is the first thing we think about? “But he thought I was the best thing that had happened to him in three months! What did I do wrong?”

The key is to notice whether this is a pervasive pattern in this person’s behavior or if it is situational.

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Here are two indicators that indicate whether a person’s lack of empathy is situational or based on toxic patterns.

1. A person with true empathy realizes that they have done or said something hurtful.

They come back on their own, apologize, and make an honest effort to do better in the future.

If you speak up – which you should always do! – and say something like, “Hey, that felt terrible. That hurt!” They are showing some empathy for your feelings, even if they are in the middle of an emergency.