I was at my marriage counselor’s office. My husband refused to keep going. This has been my contradiction: couples counseling for one person.
I explained to my therapist – who was also a psychiatrist – some of the struggles I’d been having recently. I wanted to know if it was mine. I wanted to face the harsh truth because one of my friends was very angry with me and didn’t seem to want to get over it.
Worse still, she was being punished to some extent.
It was a trait my controlling husband perfected as well.
If he was angry with me there would be a price to pay.
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“Okay,” I said. “Am I? Why are my husband and my boyfriend acting this way?”
“Colleen,” my marriage counselor said. “You tend to gravitate towards some very difficult personalities.”
At this point in the consultation, I had already been told about some of my traits.
My marriage counselor didn’t call me an enabler, he called me a master enabler. Enablers are overly concerned with people who tend to tolerate and make excuses for people who behave badly and stay in bad situations for a long time because of this.
My advisor also said that I am a people pleaser and a good person. But that part I had already figured out.
As a marriage counselor once told me: “It’s not common for easier people to see some of your faults. It’s not common for easier people to admit their shortcomings.”
But I’m an over-the-top kind of girl, and the undesirable trait of being too hard on myself might make me check myself more.
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Anyway, back to the difficult characters.
I said: “I don’t understand.”
“What?” My advisor asked.
“Why do people look the other way when difficult people do heinous things?” I said.
Naturally, enablers look the other way and tolerate difficult personalities. It’s in our DNA. We see the best in the person we love. We rationalize. We make excuses. It’s unhealthy but it’s the signature of an enabler.
A few of those excuses?
“I know my husband is behaving badly but I think he is sad about losing his father.”
“I know my husband drinks a lot, and I think he might be having a midlife crisis.”
“He’s a good person in a bad place.”
Etc etc etc.
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“Why don’t people say anything when difficult people act so outrageously?” I said.
“Okay,” my advisor said. “People don’t tend to deal with difficult people because it generally doesn’t end well.”
This is the situation.
I couldn’t deny his answer.
I was good at avoiding and making amends with some of the most difficult people I knew for precisely this reason: I was trying to keep the peace.
I was trying to keep them from getting upset or angry. I was trying to navigate their difficult personalities.
But I still can’t believe that someone close to my husband wouldn’t criticize him for his behavior. I couldn’t believe they wouldn’t tell him to stop it and stop treating his wife and kids in such a terrible way.
Because he crossed a major line: You can’t drink and scare your wife and kids.
All because I told my husband that I felt lonely being married to him and was thinking about leaving.
It means growing up. calm yourself. Try to save your marriage. Stay in couples counseling.
Get your self-respect and move on.
For the most part, everyone my husband knew was watching from the sidelines — and even that enabler would never understand that.
