There are probably a million articles written about why people cheat, but they are rarely written by the right people.

Sure, there are some written by people who have been cheated on. There is a group written by people who continue to cheat in unhappy relationships and marriages, and make excuses for their infidelity.

But why do people cheat?

But I don’t think I’ve ever read an article on why cheaters cheat, written by someone like me — a woman who had an unfaithful wife and had been unfaithful most of her life, but finally broke the cycle for good.

See, I understand it better than most. (Just so you know, I haven’t cheated in years and I’m still with my husband. I don’t think I’ll ever cheat again, and that’s something I’ve never been able to say before. And yes, my husband knows everything…or at least anything he wants to know, and everything matters.)

So, as someone who did the hard work — and believe me, it was hard — to heal from a life of infidelity and come out the other side with a very happy marriage, I want to bust five common myths about why people cheat in relationships. Because if we continue to believe these lies, we will continue to cheat.

There are real reasons why people cheat, but we have to understand how cheating has been distorted before we can understand the motivations behind infidelity.

Here are 5 reasons people give for cheating that are complete lies:

Cheaters don’t love their partners

Total BA. Cheating has nothing to do with love. At least, not in most cases.

I loved the people I cheated on more than I can explain, especially my husband, and I still cheat on them. Why? Because cheating and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

So, what is the truth?

Most chronic cheaters I know are more likely to cheat when they care deeply about someone. Because loving someone that much is terrifying. Cheating is a way to create self-sabotaging boundaries around their hearts or have a backup plan in case the person they love leaves them.

Cheaters are all narcissists or psychopaths

Some cheaters may be narcissists, but you don’t have to be a narcissist or a sociopath to cheat. The “all cheaters are narcissists” theory is based on the lie that you must have no empathy for others to cheat.

If you could empathize with the hurt you might be causing your partner, you wouldn’t cheat, right? mistake.

So, what is the truth?

We all do things that hurt our partners, even knowingly.

For example, we may spend money on things that don’t matter, knowing that it takes money away from important family expenses. We may say something cruel in the heat of the moment, something we know will hurt the person we love. We may lie to get something we want or hide bad news only to find out later.

You don’t have to be a sociopath to do these things. Just as you don’t have to lack conscience to cheat. They’re bad choices you make on purpose, not because you’re cruel, but because you’re human and maybe have some issues you need to solve.

Cheaters are sex addicts

Again, maybe. Some people don’t believe sex addiction is real, and that’s okay. Others feel that claiming to be a sex addict when discovered cheating is just a way to evade responsibility.

If sex addiction is real, it is likely to be a different kind of addiction like other functional addictions—more than just a compulsion. Shopaholics, gambling addicts, and even plastic surgery addicts have a compulsive need to perform a behavior.

But are all cheaters addicted to sex or love? impossible.

So, what is the truth?

Cheating is a bad choice most likely rooted in a deeper issue, just like any other bad choice we make.

We can learn how to stop cheating if we get to the root cause of why we keep making the same bad choice over and over again. It takes brutal honesty with yourself, and a willingness to accept that you are broken in some part of yourself.

Your cheat is not your boss. You just need to grow up and realize that. Even though you feel “high” with your side cut, you are not addicted to it.

People cheat because they don’t get what they need from their partners

no. This is blaming the victim. Yes, cheaters are likely to be in less-than-ideal relationships. But, get this: everyone in a relationship is imperfect.

Everyone is disappointed by their wives sometimes. Everyone feels isolated and lonely from time to time. During your life together, you will encounter sexual problems at some point.

I used the excuse of my husband’s cruel behavior at times to justify my cheating on him. But the truth is I’m always the one who chooses to cheat. I never needed that.

I could rely on myself to get through our difficult times. Most importantly, if I had been truly present in my marriage, we may have been able to get help sooner.

So, what is the truth?

We’ve been told this lie for so long, and now we use it as an excuse to cheat, even if subconsciously. The harsh truth? I cheated because I was afraid to truly love my husband without a backup plan.

I also sought the “high” of having someone who cared about me and lusted after me. It gave me a sense of worth, long after I was old enough to know better.

The man who cheated on me explained (many years later) that he used cheating to “cure” his depression. Keeping his life in chaos by juggling four or five partners at once, trying to keep track of all the lies, and feeding his ego to too many women kept him from truly feeling his despair.

Sure, I wasn’t an ideal partner for him, but he cheated on me because he chose to. Millions of couples have imperfect relationships and never choose to cheat.

Cheaters will always be cheaters, it’s simply their nature

There may be cheaters who cheat all the time, but it’s not because it’s in their DNA (although there is evidence that the gene may influence who is more likely to cheat) or because cheaters can never change.

“In what is called the first study of its kind, researchers at Binghamton University, State University of New York (SUNY) have discovered that about half of people have a gene that makes them more likely to promiscuate and cheat.

Those with a certain variant of the dopamine D4 receptor polymorphism — or the DRD4 gene — “were more likely to have a history of non-committed sex, including one-night stands and acts of infidelity,” according to lead investigator Justin Garcia.

But this does not mean that cheaters suffer misery for the rest of their lives.

“Cheetahs never change their places”? Tell that to the millions of cheaters who have stopped cheating, and to the millions of families throughout modernity who have managed to stay together after infidelity.

So, what is the truth?

Trust must be rebuilt, and this takes time. a lot of time. And a lot of work. Both partners need to know how they contributed to a bad marriage, but the cheater needs to know how not to cheat, and for every cheater, the answer will be different.

Therapy, counseling, a healthier lifestyle, or anything along the lines of finding meaning in religion or a higher purpose in life are all options. Some couples even open up their relationships or become polyamorous as a solution, although this does not mean that a cheater should make sex with outside partners a condition of staying together.

Marriages are rarely happier when they’re open, but it happens. I’m just saying that the possibility might be there for you both if you feel like polygamy is natural to you.

Believing these cheating myths only keeps us in unhealthy relationships.

Worse still, it prevents us from fighting for relationships that are worth saving. So, let’s all grow up and leave these lies behind us.

Here are 5 reasons people give for cheating that are complete lies:

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