One of the most memorable childhood experiences is growing up very independent. However, as a psychologist, I know that this kind of childhood leaves its mark on unsuspecting children, silently undermining their happiness and health as adults.

As a child, with parents who didn’t pay enough attention, you learned how to take care of yourself. Trouble with a friend? I’ve dealt with it. The difficult decision to make? I did it. Something you need? You’ve either got it or learned to live without it.

Now, you are strong and independent, yes. You may feel like you can handle almost anything that comes your way, and you’re probably right.

But you may not be enjoying enough some of the vital things you deserve: the satisfaction and power that comes from enjoying the help and support of another person, self-acceptance, self-love, and comforting and rewarding emotional connection and connection.

7 signs that you grew up too independent in your childhood and this is now affecting you in adulthood:

It is not easy for you to ask for or receive help

Somehow, letting someone help you feels wrong. You prefer to struggle alone.

You tend to be self-critical or hard on yourself

You hold yourself to higher standards than anyone else. You tend to direct your anger inward, at yourself.

You feel uncomfortable talking about yourself

It is somehow better to listen to other people’s stories and problems. When it’s your turn to share, you feel uncomfortable.

You prefer to avoid conversations or emotional expressions

You feel strong emotions (maybe even positive ones) and conflicts that make you feel embarrassed and don’t know what to say or how to act. She prefers to escape from the room when she appears.

You suffer from self-discipline

You get angry with yourself because you are unable to force yourself to do things you know you should do or stop yourself from doing things you shouldn’t do.

Deep down, you blame yourself.

You tend to ignore, hide, or minimize your feelings

If you’re angry, sad, hurt, or upset, you tend to talk about it, distract yourself from it, or pretend you don’t feel it.

You assume that these are the ways you are supposed to deal with feelings.

You lack compassion for yourself even if you have a lot of compassion for others

It is difficult for you to forgive yourself for mistakes or accept that you are human and it is normal to face human weaknesses and challenges.

Examples of what an overly independent child looks like:

At 15 years old, Blair was the envy of some of her friends because her parents were nice, easy-going and easy-going, more like friends than parents. Blair is allowed to do almost anything she wants, with a late curfew, few rules, and few punishments. Blair feels very lucky.
Daniel, 8, struggles socially at school, where he is the target of a kid in his class who likes to make fun of him. Daniel wishes he could tell his parents but he doesn’t feel they are available or able to help him. Daniel knows he has to deal with this problem alone.
Serena will graduate from high school in a few weeks. She has not completed her college applications because she finds them too stressful. Secretly, she decided to get a job after graduation instead to avoid the fear of applying to college. Every day you face waves of anxiety that you haven’t told anyone about.

An overly independent child may be left to his or her own devices in many different ways. This may be due to a lack of structure and consequences, as Blair experiences, or a lack of protection and attention as Daniel experiences, or emotional loneliness, as Serena, Daniel, and Blair all feel.

This is the hallmark of an overly independent child. They may look fine and think everything is fine. But in reality, they grow up without adequate boundaries or protection.

Deep down, they may feel that their feelings don’t register on their parents’ radar. Their children’s brains adapt by “masking” or blocking out their feelings because it’s the best way to cope.

This type of upbringing is called childhood emotional neglect, or CEN. The scary thing is that this can happen to even the best parents.

The three types of parents who unintentionally raise overly independent children:

Well-meaning parents raised this way, too

These parents may do well in almost every other way, and they love their children. However they were raised by parents who were not knowledgeable enough, so they simply do not realize that they should provide more attention, emotional awareness, and emotional support to their children.

It may not be their fault at all, they can’t give you what they never got.

Parents’ suffering

These parents may work multiple jobs, suffer from depression or another mental or physical illness, deal with divorce or loss, or may be engaged in something in their own lives that prevents them from attuning to their children’s emotional needs.

Self-involved parents

These parents are so focused on themselves and their own needs that they do not notice their child’s feelings and needs.

They may be narcissists, addicted to alcohol, drugs, or workaholics, or simply too focused on themselves to care enough about their children.

The three types of parents who unintentionally raise overly independent children:

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