Many women married to narcissistic (or at least self-involved) men wonder about two things:

How did it get like this?
How do I make sure I’m not raising an equally self-absorbed child?

Related: How To Easily Check A Guy’s Selfies For Signs He May Be A Sociopath

Here’s your road map to understanding your arrogant male partner while also increasing your chances of raising a more empathetic son:

There are generally two types of childhood that produce a self-absorbed man.

The first is when his parents, especially his mother (since it is more common for parents to ideally view a child who is not their gender, in my clinical experience) put him on a pedestal throughout his childhood.

It is easy to see how this manifests itself in arrogance in adulthood; The man simply believes what he was told as a child, and assumes that everyone he meets thinks he is great at everything. He also believes that he is entitled to the same kind of devotional treatment he received as a boy, which can lead to problems with partners in adulthood who want him to be able to mutually satisfy their needs.

The second type of childhood involved in your husband’s selfishness is a much sadder situation where he was emotionally or physically abused or neglected.

Since there was no one looking out for his needs, he developed a highly adaptive ability to seek out No. 1 at all costs. Unfortunately, although this behavior was very healthy as a child, protecting him and giving him some confidence, it usually results in him hurting the partners he comes into contact with as an adult.

Some men with this background become self-made men. This man is often unable to be unconditionally loving toward his partner because true intimacy and unconditional love require trust and vulnerability, of which he has very little.

The third way to become arrogant or self-involved is a combination of the two parenting styles discussed above.

This is when a man’s needs are neglected most of the time in childhood, but when they are finally taken care of, he becomes an idealist.

Picture a depressed or alcoholic mother who is basically emotionally absent, but when she listens, it’s praising her son because he got good grades or did well in sports. This child has no real sense of his inner worth and assumes that he must continue to be a high achiever throughout his life to receive love or attention.

Related: 11 Subtle-But-Deadly Signs You’re Being Love-Bombed

You may wonder if all of these same reasons explain a woman’s vanity.

There is certainly a lot of overlap, but there are also key differences. Most of these issues relate to gender roles in our society.

Being an openly arrogant woman in society is more difficult than being an openly arrogant man; Men are often rewarded for this “confident” or “alpha” behavior. Self-involved women are often secretly narcissistic or self-absorbed, asking what others feel and think even if they don’t care.

Despite the difference in external behavior, their childhood trajectories toward self-involvement are almost the same.

How do you avoid raising someone who believes he walks on water?

Mainly by treating them with compassion and empathy, while not inflating their self-esteem in deceptive ways or focusing all your praise on their accomplishments. If you want your child to feel that he is inherently good and worthy of love, show him love.

The only way an adult will know how to love a partner unconditionally one day is to have the muscle memory of being loved unconditionally…or do a lot of inner work, with or without a therapist.

Note that if you frequently get angry at your son because he is “like” your husband, individual therapy can help you work through these feelings so that you do not confuse your son and your husband and can be a more present and loving mother.

Related: 6 Perfect Ways to Deal with Arrogant People

What specific things should you say to your son?

For example, instead of “You’re the best player on the field!” You’ll say, “I loved it when you helped your teammate over there.”

Foster your child’s kindness and compassion rather than just relying on his natural talent or even his hard work.

Do not exaggerate in praising him; This can make children anxious and self-absorbed. Be objective and give him the gift of honesty.

For example, if your son asks you to evaluate his performance, give him honest information while remaining kind.

“That’s a great drawing!” When it takes two seconds to draw, it’s dishonest. “I like the idea but I think it would be better with more effort” will be honest and still be completely nice. Read more about my take on fake praise here.

If this post resonated with you, couples counseling can often be very helpful in helping self-absorbed partners learn to develop empathy and perspective-taking (even narcissists).

Try asking your husband to join you; most men like this pride themselves on trying anything once, so they may be more amenable than you think. And keep fighting the good fight to raise empathic and kind children. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Also Refers You To This Reading List On Narcissists.