As parents, we have many expectations of what the children we put our hearts and souls into will be like.

Often, when they fail to meet those expectations, we find ourselves at odds with them, constantly embroiled in conflict or completely disconnected.

On our children’s part, as they move through adolescence and approach adulthood, they yearn for individuality and independence.

They no longer want to do things that make them happy, but rather what makes them happy. It is the constant push and pull between our desires and theirs that manifests itself in the inability to get along with each other as adults.

A 2020 study found that 1 in 4 adults are separated from their parents. Causes include things like toxic behavior, differences in values, lack of support, and abuse. Most of these gatherings were initiated by the child.

But family relationships are complex and there are several reasons why parents and children may not be compatible. Six experts offered their insights into the most common reasons why a mother or father might struggle with their adult child.

Here, six Yourtango experts explain the most common reasons why parents and their adult children don’t get along:

The generation gap

“One of the main reasons why parents and adult children often struggle to maintain a harmonious relationship is the generation gap. This gap reflects the distinct experiences, values , and expectations shaped by different eras. Parents have a wealth of knowledge and wisdom gained from their life journey, while adult children bring New viewpoints Influenced by modern society, these contrasting viewpoints can sometimes create friction, misunderstanding, and a feeling of disconnection.

Nurturing a positive relationship requires openness, empathy, and genuine efforts to bridge the gap between generations through understanding, respect, and appreciation for each other’s unique perspectives and experiences. By embracing empathy and open communication, both parties can build a stronger bond that transcends generational differences.”

Unaddressed issues and different expectations

“Common reasons why adult children and parents do not get along are often leftovers of unaddressed issues and different expectations from the past. Lack of time invested in listening to each other as adults also contributes to current misunderstandings and resentment.”

Given the low longevity of all participants, it is important to avoid improving communication that might make everyone’s life easier. This is perpetuated through repetitive patterns of reaction and behavior that all participants would benefit from modifying. Maybe we could start by mentioning what each one specifically values in the other?

Loss of power

When you spend your life being “responsible” and even go through difficult times, a new relationship begins when your child is now an adult. Letting go of your opinions and keeping them to yourself sometimes is the best way to nurture and encourage continued growth and confidence. Enjoy this new relationship and offer support and praise in new ways.

Parental rule

“A parent’s job is to help create an adult and release them into the world so they can take care of themselves. The parent needs to step back and allow the adult child to make their own mistakes and decisions. It is part of growing up. Parents will not be there forever and can be available for advice or suggestions But interfering in an adult child’s life can push them apart and create a problematic relationship: I don’t trust you. It’s enough to know what’s best for you. You’re incompetent and not an adult.

This includes criticizing their relationship, career, friends, living situation, location choices, etc. Keep your thoughts to yourself unless asked to do so; Until then, be humble and supportive. “

Extended helicopter parenting

“Parents who want to control their children’s lives will tend to control their adult children’s lives as well. They do not allow their children to differentiate. They view their adult children as ‘miniature people’. They have expectations that their child should do what they will do or what they advise them to do, especially In terms of relationships and parenting decisions, this is rarely the case. With the new generation comes a new global perspective.

Parents who invest in their own lives as well as their children’s lives are often happier, and so are their children. Instead, parents who judge their children’s every move set them on a path of indecision, doubt, anger, and resentment.

Inability to develop

“Relationships develop and change, and the parent-child relationship is perhaps the most dramatic in this regard. Children go from needing their parents intensely in childhood to still needing them in adolescence, but now resenting them.

Adulthood was supposed to be when children were now independent. This metamorphosis was thought to occur around the age of 18. Now, researchers say, it is approaching the age of 30, with some adults still relying heavily on their parents even later in life.

Why? Because life is more complex, support is needed for an older child to take off, but what this means varies depending on the family.

Since adulthood is now a very delicate transitional stage, it is easy for misunderstandings to arise leading to resentment and arguments. Parents encounter needs in their children that they have not personally experienced. Children face the fact that they are not as independent as they thought. As a society, we are just beginning to develop a way to describe these challenges and needs.

The good news is that these misunderstandings are often not related to love. Adult children and parents often love each other. The challenge for the child is how to show love and need without feeling too needy and then blaming himself.

For parents, the challenge they face is how to set expectations that are not so high that they turn their children away.

Here, six Yourtango experts explain the most common reasons why parents and their adult children don’t get along:

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