I work with a lot of smart, successful men who say things like, “I’m not that smart, I can just outsmart anyone” or “I got where I am through hard work alone.”
They pride themselves on never taking a sick day and being able to stay up all night if necessary to complete a project. They can study or prepare tirelessly for exams, which they feel explains their high test scores. Bosses love them, and coworkers consider them excellent team players. They are rising through the ranks of their profession, and any time they are not working, they are doing things for their home or family.
For all their achievements at work and the recognition of their obligations to work and family, these men are still often unhappy. They cannot pinpoint why they feel insecure and dissatisfied on a basic level. If you try to tell them how successful they are, they tend to downplay their accomplishments and say things like: “My job isn’t that hard.”
These men often have deep concerns about how much their wives value them.
They often complain that their primary value to their partners is being the one who pays for things and does a lot of household projects. They have always been praised primarily for their ability to get things done tirelessly, so they fear that they have no further value to add to the world or the relationship.
If their wives refuse to sleep together, either frequently or rarely, or look at their phones during a conversation, people at work tend to personalize it and interpret it as evidence that their wives don’t care deeply about them but only care about what they can offer.
Even when partners compliment them for being smart or kind, the “backbone” secretly doubts the validity or importance of these compliments.
They often think of themselves as service providers, or boring and stable, even when others insist that this is not their only role. This is the man who says, “My wife only sees me as a cash machine” or “My kids don’t care about me as long as their bills are paid.” Or he may not say these things publicly, but deep down he feels that if he stops producing and making money, no one in his life will love him anymore.
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Men like this were generally raised in a home where they were expected to squash their vulnerable feelings and cater to a parent.
Men with narcissistic mothers (especially covert narcissistic “victims” with a range of emotional and physical problems) often act as surrogate husbands for them from a very young age, reassuring, comforting, and making the mother happy by bringing home good grades and athletic accolades.
This boy’s primary role in the family is to not cause any trouble, not to add to his mother’s emotional or physical burdens, and to be there for anything the mother needs, whether that be physical help around the house or a metaphorical or literal shoulder to cry on. All while still getting his homework or other work done.
In adulthood, the Spine is attracted to vulnerable women whose issues with depression, anxiety, trauma, and/or difficult childhoods are familiar to him through his own experience with his mother.
He may also be attracted to somewhat self-involved women.
The spine then sets a precedent in the relationship of postponing his own emotional needs to meet his partner’s needs, which is convenient for him because he is uncomfortable with having any emotional needs and is often unaware of their existence, having put them down for the sake of it. long.
The partner can feel like she has met her knight in shining armor, who will take care of her in the ways she needs. Only later in the relationship does she begin to feel lonely and unnecessary, because her husband seems to be as self-reliant as a robot.
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A laborer often wakes up before his wife, takes care of the children, and returns home to do household chores after a long day of work.
He feels more comfortable giving, whether it is in the workplace, at home, or in bed.
After satisfying his partner, the worker wants his own needs met; This is one of the rare times when a need is expressed, even indirectly. As we discussed, this leads to resentment, which manifests itself in emotional withdrawal or passive-aggressive remarks, when his wife does not want to sleep with him, and ironically, she often stops wanting because she feels a lack of emotional connection.
Problems often arise when the backbone must serve two masters, i.e. work and family.
He finds it very inconvenient to leave work early or take a day off which makes his wife angry and lonely. He feels trapped in a no-win situation – he only has 24 hours in a day and cannot understand that his work history will allow him some flexibility.
He’s black and white in his thinking: Either he’s the guy who can always be relied upon at work, or he has no value to the company and will be fired.
Working with “workers” in therapy is like working with a self-made man. He needs to learn how to recognize and express his feelings and often deals with childhood sadness due to being forced to be an adult before he is ready to grow up. He needs to get to a place where he sees that, in another kind of home, his innate positive qualities will be celebrated, not just his ability to meet other people’s needs and accomplishments.
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