If you’ve dealt with a domestic abuser and narcissist, you’ve probably noticed something infuriating about them.
Even though they can see the damage they are doing and the stares they are receiving, they never see themselves as the bad guy.
No matter how much evidence you give them, the sad truth is that many abusers will argue that “it’s worth it” or some other ridiculous justification until the day they die.
Being there, I always wondered how it was possible that abusive and horrible human beings couldn’t see themselves for who they truly were.
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As you might expect, there’s a psychological reason why abusers never apologize, and believe it or not, it’s something everyone has.
The easiest way to say this is that no one wants to think of themselves as a bad person. In our minds, we are the hero of the big story that is life.
With so many people, the idea that we might be bad people or do bad things doesn’t settle in our minds. This is why we may justify our mistakes to others who judge us.
Narcissists and others like them want to see themselves as good people.
They need to see themselves as a victim and as a good person because their current self-image cannot be dealt with otherwise.
Furthermore, admitting they made a mistake is something they view as a failure or a relinquishment of control, something abusers would never do.
What we see when abusers refuse to see themselves as bad people is a conflict between the personality disorder, the need for control, and the cycle of abuse.
So, what happens to people who need to protect their fragile minds from the horrific truth of who they are?
They are delusional or pretend to be delusional in hopes of making you think you are wrong, which will make them feel at peace with the sins they have committed.
They begin to create their world and do mental gymnastics to try to reclaim the very “good” they flushed down the toilet by treating people poorly.
Think about it for a moment.
If you’ve talked to an abuser, you’ve probably heard him make some pretty wild excuses for his behavior. You may have heard him downplay what he did, makeup things you did, or even tell you “you deserve it” because you did something he didn’t like.
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All of these things are things someone says when they want to continue thinking of themselves as a good person.
This is why it is difficult to get them to admit they have made a mistake, even when there is evidence.
If there is obvious harm and serious evidence, they may admit they were wrong for a short period… only to come back to it being somehow “your fault” when the evidence disappears.
In some cases, a person may have gone so far that they will deny evidence to the contrary even if it is presented right in front of their face.
To further prove this point, consider how abusers operate.
They often threaten their victims into silence or perform “damage control” if the victim decides to speak out. They also carry out smear campaigns to destroy the victim’s reputation in the event of a breakup.
It is no coincidence that politicians do the same thing when a competitor catches them doing something terrible. This is because it preserves their reputation and helps them ensure that others are assured that they are right.
This is why you should never hope that an abuser will see his mistakes for what they are in the long run.
They know what they are doing is wrong but the truth is that they don’t care enough or don’t allow themselves to process what they did in a way that makes them change.
This is also why you should not try to change them or force them to see what they have done.
If you’re with an abusive person, your best bet is to leave and disengage with them the moment you notice a warning sign — and it’s better to leave late than never.
