In May 2007, my dear childhood friend, Shelby, was murdered by her estranged and coercively controlling husband. This heinous act was all premeditated.

Weeks after she finally left him, after years of the systematic narrowing of her world and the careful erosion of her independence, he stalked her, messed with the gas tank of her truck, and followed her to where she stopped on the side of the road to live. Investigating the problem, he shot her twice in the head at close range. With an unimpeachable suspect on the loose and through a fast-acting network of law officers, Shelby’s killer was arrested within hours and confessed within days.

Shelby did not respond and remained in the hospital on life support for two days before succumbing to her injuries. When the police obtained a confession, her father came to tell his unconscious daughter that they had arrested him. At that moment, her mother, father, sister, and I surrounded her hospital bed and poured love on her as she took her last breath and left.

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A classic example of coercive control

Before this tragic event, my last conversation with Shelby was filled with relief as she told me she had left her controlling husband. Seeing her journey to break free from his grip was so commendable and so brave, and I told her how proud I was of her. I knew my fears about him from the moment I met him.

Shelby and I met in sixth grade when she came to me full of vibrant, adventurous energy — she was the new kid, it was the first day of school, and we were kindred spirits and partners in all things goofy before we knew anyone. Other names.

She was a strong, vibrant, hard-working, spirited cowgirl known for her silliness, stubbornness, and happy, feisty, unwavering spirit – and despite all that personality, she tragically found herself caught in a sticky, delicate, toxic web of emotional abuse and violence. Coercion.

Her story is a stark reminder that abusers come in different forms — partners, family members, mentors, or even scammers. Their methods include a wide range of overt and subtle abuse, which includes emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and technological manipulation. No matter what type, they are usually someone you trust, and they all use similar tactics to exploit and cause harm.

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Coercive control often looks like devotion

Violence does not have to be physical, emotional violence is just as harmful. Covert emotional abuse and coercive control are best recognized by the loss of choice. “The real danger of coercive control is that it teaches you to control yourself. “Eventually, the abuser no longer needs to abuse, because you have fully internalized the abuse, and you have abused yourself,” As famous domestic violence prevention advocates Luke and Ryan Hart wrote.

The hidden tendency to abuse is possessiveness, which is the opposite of reciprocity. At first, optimistic, open-hearted individuals like Shelby often unwittingly view control and manipulation as expressions of love and devotion — gradually falling into what abuse prevention specialist Amy Saltzman calls “the sticky, deceptive web.”

Recognizing the warning signs is crucial to protecting yourself and your loved ones from emotional and physical exploitation. With understanding and support, Survivors can reclaim their independence and rewrite their story – breaking free from the shackles of coercive control to enter into a future filled with empowerment, hope, and love.

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6 Red Flags of Coercive Control

1. They use love bombing

Abusers shower their target with affection to build trust, concealing their true intentions. This façade of kindness is intended to mislead individuals into liking them. Dr. Saltzman describes this tactic as a deception that can undermine your wise self—the part of you with innate instincts and inner wisdom that provides the clarity and skill to distinguish between right and wrong.

A truly secure and emotionally healthy person will never persuade or trick you into trusting or loving them.

2. They use gas lighting

Manipulative abusers use this kind of viscous lies to distort reality, planting doubt in their victims’ minds about what is true, gradually leading them to feel guilty for even thinking about being an abuser. They make you think your boundaries are aggressive, and they manipulate you into stopping questioning their actions. They might say: “You can trust me!” Or use phrases like “You’re too emotional,” “You don’t deserve good things,” “Nothing bad ever happened to you,” or “If you loved me, you would understand.”

The feeling of discomfort can be especially disconcerting for individuals who strive to avoid upsetting others or backing out of their commitments. If asserting your boundaries upsets someone, consider it a red flag. Sometimes the most compassionate actions may not feel like love; A truly supportive individual will encourage you to prioritize breaking harmful agreements.

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3. They use bullying

When confronted or questioned by a judgmental person, abusers resort to threats, insults, intimidation, or blame-trading, and may use physical violence to maintain control. They may use phrases like: “No one complains,” “You’d be nothing without me,” “Stop acting like a victim,” or “You better not make me crazy.”

The person trying to exert coercive control may try to flip the narrative and claim that you have hurt them. “You and this relationship are the reason I don’t get this promotion!”

Combined with gaslighting, this is where abusers convince you to tell yourself their lies. Survivors tend to spend a lot of time thinking about trying to please their abuser, worry about making them angry, and believe they are to blame.

4. They use isolation

A toxic and controlling partner will isolate you from your support system. They aim to avoid exposure by preventing truth-tellers and perceptive individuals from communicating with you. Those who understand the situation can offer support and reveal the truth.

They may make it difficult to visit and contact family and friends, monitor your location and calls, control your finances, convince you that your supportive friends and family are not in your best interest have negative opinions of you, and spread rumors. And lies such as: “Your friends are jealous,” “They are liars,” and “Your family doesn’t love me.”

“They trick you into shifting your fear and wise fears away from the abuser and toward the people who love you,” says Dr. Saltzman. Ultimately, a controlling partner separates you from your “wise self,” the part of you that knows the truth about their behavior.

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5. They use bragging

To control how they are perceived, abusers inflate their qualities and accomplishments. Controlling partners manipulate by managing their appearance, hiding their deepest insecurities, and exaggerating their importance. They tell you how great it is to convince you to stay and make you afraid to leave, especially when they think you’re with them.

They often portray themselves as exceptionally smart, humble, intuitive, wealthy, creative, irreplaceable, exceptional, or destined for greatness. By emphasizing their importance and making you think they are unique, they trick you into spreading their propaganda and bragging to others about them.

6. They enforce traditional rules and gender roles

Abusers often impose strict, one-sided rules and gender norms to assert dominance and control within the relationship. Such behavior reinforces power imbalances and perpetuates harmful stereotypes. They justify their beliefs and actions, for example by promoting the idea that women should be subservient while men are the breadwinners and hold power. This control can extend to various aspects of one’s health and body, including regulating exercise, appearance, food intake, and even dictating the terms of a sexual relationship.

The path to freedom from coercive control

In September 2020, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a bill to amend the Domestic Violence Prevention Act to ensure that coercive control constitutes domestic violence. Several states have coercive probation laws that specifically cover coercive controlling behavior — including California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, and Washington.