But I didn’t understand what. I was with the man of my dreams. He was handsome, incredibly funny, enthusiastic, successful, and charming. Everyone loved him. I loved it. I thought I made a smart choice. I’m no longer chasing the bad boy of yesterday.
Those first few years of marriage were painful.
I missed the man I dated. Who did not fill my cheeks with tears? The one who seemed incredibly warm and caring. The one who looked visibly relaxed and calm. I was baffled by the alter ego that took his place.
This new man – my husband – can be incredibly cold. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mother, my siblings, or my friends. They loved my husband. I didn’t want to jeopardize that. I had better despise him temporarily; That would eventually calm down. But if they knew the other side of him, they would hate him forever.
Related: THIS is Why Narcissists Refuse to be Accountable
Young people are funny.
It makes you believe you deserve to suffer in silence to protect someone who doesn’t deserve your loyalty. Because you don’t understand empowerment. You don’t understand that making excuses for bad behavior does not mean supporting someone.
He tolerates the intolerable.
Youth makes you think you mean well. you are nice. You don’t reveal someone’s bad side. None of us are perfect. We all have a different dimension that only those close to us see from time to time.
At that time I didn’t understand what empathy was. I certainly wouldn’t understand not having it. I come from a family of very caring and compassionate first responders. It was a big word for a girl in her twenties, the life of the glamorous party. I didn’t have time for that.
Honestly, even if someone had told me the definition I would have rejected it.
I would protest against the way love makes one do. I had a million excuses. Don’t talk about my leg that way. You don’t know who he is. how dare you? to retreat. I’m a lucky girl. You must be very lucky.
Ironically, I would have muttered that between tears.
Those who once swore to protect my smile now.
If you go back to the word empathy, you will discover that it is the ability to feel the pain of another. A lack of empathy is the defining factor of narcissistic personality disorder. My husband lacks empathy.
He refused to believe it.
I tried to reach him. I realized I was an overly concerned enabler. It doesn’t matter if I care or not. Somehow I never learned what a healthy relationship dynamic is. I’ve been in this with him. That’s how much I loved him.
I was ready to go in the deep end with him.
Although narcissism is a very serious disorder, I would never leave it. I would continue to resist the truth: my apparent lack of empathy. I would see the best in him, as I always did between tears.
Fortunately, he abandoned me.
If not, I will be living under the illusion that someone who lacks empathy can feel for me. My love, my joy, my worries, my hopes, my fears, my dreams, my world.
Because I refused to fully accept the reality of someone who lacks critical empathy. There is only one world for a narcissist: his world.
Related: 8 Disturbing Reasons Narcissists Stay Friends with Their Exes
Sometimes now and then I remember the dream man. He was handsome, incredibly funny, enthusiastic, successful, and charming. Everyone loved him. I loved it. Little did I know that he lacked empathy and that one day we would part ways.
