I’ve been in a love relationship for a very long time, but I’m still amazed at how long it took me to learn some basic lessons on how to maintain a long-lasting romance.
Example: name calling. you can not do it.
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This is a surprisingly painful thing to accept. Not because I’m verbally bossy or anything like that, but simply because when you love someone, no one in the world can make you angrier than that person. Because you care about what that person thinks about you.
So, when you are a couple carrying a lot of emotional baggage, emotions are bound to flare up during arguments, and if you’re not careful, that’s when people start calling each other names.
Names may seem like a simple thing to worry about. If you’re yelling at each other about a critical issue, does it matter if someone is called an obscene name?
Yes, it is.
It took me a very long time to realize this, but naming names is important.
It’s important because it can completely deflect a fight into something far less productive and more needlessly damaging.
This is important for two reasons.
First, because some battles are necessary, you need to have those fights, those angry discussions, to move forward in your relationship. And secondly, because I’m petty, I like to win fights (which is a terrible thing to admit), and the sad truth is that whoever resorts to insults first always loses the fight.
People like to deny the impact of name-calling. They say, “Oh, we’re both quite foul-mouthed, and we talk like sailors. We’re always calling each other names.” This may be the case, but I truly believe that, on a conscious and subconscious level, our brains keep score during our big relationship battles.
Related: 10 things a narcissist will do when they realize they’ve lost control
The moment our brains see a name or personal insult on the scoreboard, everything changes.
Because the moment you name your partner, the original battle stops and a new one begins. Suddenly, everything you were arguing about before has to line up behind the “What did you just call me?”
Yes, if you think your loved one is acting foolish during a fight, calling them out can be ridiculously satisfying. (It feels so good). But it does you no favors.
This one word instantly made you the bad guy (or girl) in this scenario. It’s like accidentally dropping an 8 ball while playing pool – you automatically lose.
Even if your partner is terrible, if you recount the incident to your friends later, and it turns out that you were the first to start shedding that label, empathy won’t be on your side.
This may seem childish, unfair, and reductive, but it is true. Trust me, I’ve been married for 17 years, and I can tell you from first-hand experience that things have never gone well.
Related: Do Narcissists Have Low Self-Esteem? New Research Says Not Actually
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself or let someone know that you think they’re being awful. The key is just to avoid those childish, derogatory names that are fun to say.
The best strategy I’ve found is to replace adjectives with insults.
If your partner is truly an idiot, don’t use that word, but feel free to tell him or her that he or she is cold, cruel, spiteful, indifferent, thoughtless, bad, unreasonable, ignorant, or mean. There’s no problem using your verbal dictionary and telling them, using a wide variety of phrases, how you think they behave.
Because, even if the adjectives make them angry (and they probably will), these are just normal, descriptive, human words. These may sound like words, but they have some inherent meaning that your partner will either understand or argue against.
But, when you call someone a bad name — especially if they’re an important person in your life — you’re not trying to convey anything meaningful. You’re just trying to hurt them in the most clumsy way possible, and no one will listen. They will immediately shut down and try to hurt you. It may even become verbal abuse.
So, as difficult as it may be, for the good of your relationship and your sense of moral superiority, you can’t name any names during an argument.
If you want your fight to lead to something, or to be more than just insults and cruelty, this is a necessary step to take.
Even if they are, without a doubt, an idiot, you gain nothing by pointing that out.
Related: Golden Child Syndrome: Why Narcissistic Parents Exploit Their Children
