If you’ve been in a long-term relationship or marriage with someone who manipulates your emotions, you’re probably blaming yourself right now — for everything.
Your self-esteem may or may not have been very high before the relationship began, but after years, perhaps decades, of constant bullying, shaming, yelling, and insults, being able to trust yourself again may be much more important. The difficult task of trusting your next romantic interest.
With time, patience, and generosity toward yourself, these six techniques will help you rediscover your true worth and accept the kind of love you deserve.
- Read and listen to your ex’s words as they are directed to them.
A person who uses and abuses others emotionally or physically expresses his inner anger in a dysfunctional way. All those bad things he or she has said to you in the past, and will say to you again in the future, are expressions of how this person feels about him or herself.
Understanding their worst statements to you as statements to themselves will help free you from the shame and guilt you have internalized.
- Examine your social network closely, both online and off.
Most of us who have allowed an emotional manipulator into our lives in an intimate relationship have allowed others in our less immediate world to treat us the same way. Take a close look to see who is treating you similarly, and whether or not you can reduce or cut off your contact with those people.
- Make a list of behaviors that you will not tolerate in the future.
What behaviors do your emotional manipulator have in common with people you know who treat you similarly? Did they scream? Underestimating? Coercion? blame?
Make a list of behaviors that you’ll now be able to recognize as red flags and — here’s the big game changer: stick with them.
- Keep a running record of your daily accomplishments.
Set a specific time of the day to sit down and remind yourself of what you have achieved. This could be a morning coffee time log of the top 3 things from the previous day or a bedtime reminder that no matter how stressful the day has been, your X, Y, and Z are now in place.
- Recognize rumination on guilt and shame.
Most of us find that at some point each day, we’ve briefly descended into deep thought about mistakes we’ve made, things we’ve never gotten right, or how if we had done what our ex told us, it would all be too much. Better than it is.
The moment you realize that you are once again stuck in these negative thinking habits, tell yourself that you have one more minute to finish thinking, and then you should choose a new, productive topic to turn your mind to.
- Find a reason so you can channel your need to serve healthily.
Emotional manipulators tend not to choose victims who are weaker or less intelligent, but rather people-pleasers with a helping mentality. You may have been attracted to the idea that you might be useful to your ex in some way.
So find a cause that needs you and set aside a reasonable amount of time to selflessly work for them. Then look to build new relationships built on mutual respect and mutual service rather than with you as the giver and your partner as the recipient.
