It was Thursday night. My partner was heading off the next day on a business trip, and we didn’t see each other for a good two weeks. After dinner, we drove to Redbox – remember those? – To rent a movie to cap off the night.
He took the turn into the Walgreens parking lot too sharply and hit the curb. The car made a loud noise as it pulled into the first parking spot, and we got out to assess the damage. His right front tire was flat. When he took it off, it was already punctured.
He set to work while I watched, sometimes helping by turning the boom, carrying a flashlight to help him see in the dark, or tracking lug nuts.
The temperature was just over 30 degrees with constant heavy rain. It was cold, but I found myself shivering. It doesn’t tremble, it vibrates. I breathed fast and shallow.
He sat back on his heels, rubbed his arms because he had practiced them that day, and said, “Great. This is so frustrating.”
I held my breath for him to finish that sentence with something else.
I was ready for him to yell at me.
I was waiting for him to throw something, kick the tire or the car, and mutter obscenities.
I was waiting to look at other motorists passing by with a little closed-lipped smile that said something like, “Oh, he’s acting like a big kid, isn’t he!”
I was waiting to swallow it and take it no matter what.
However, the word “he” never comes, puzzlingly.
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When the frame was finally fixed, my partner and I went and rented a movie.
As I was walking back to his house, I said, “Thank you for not yelling at me.”
“Screaming at you?” stutter. “Why on earth would I yell at you?”
“Because… I don’t know… because you were so frustrated or because it was harder than you thought or because it was just cold?”
“How were these things your fault? I was the one who blew up the tire. Why was I going to take this out on you?”
I paused and said, “This is what my ex-husband would do.”
That’s what I was preparing for as we both stood in the cold. For another man to do what my ex-husband did to me almost 10 years ago: scream, throw things, blame me.
My current partner turned and looked at me. “really why?”
“Because… he would just do it,” I said.
Later, after we cuddled up watching the movie, I felt so relieved and grateful that I wasn’t being abused, and that we were here, still having a good night, that I said again, “Thank you so much for not being there.” Yelling at me.”
“Naturally!” He said. “You know this isn’t normal, right?”
“Yes…” I said turning away.
The thing about being in an emotionally abusive relationship for so many years is that this was normal. Combined with the fact that I was raised by an abusive mother, my measure of “normal” was very skewed.
It took me a lot of time to process my feelings about that past relationship, and even begin to heal from it.
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Relationship expert Dr. Tara Bates Duford, PhD, MFT, CRS, CMFSW calls this “Post-Traumatic Relationship Syndrome” or PTRS.
This is “a newly proposed mental health syndrome that occurs after exposure to trauma in an intimate relationship. It includes the intrusive and aroused symptoms of [PTSD], but lacks the avoidance symptoms… due to a completely different way of coping with the condition.” The state of shock is one of those that characterize individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder.”
PTRS can manifest itself in the following ways:
Feeling afraid to make another commitment and/or impulsively fall into another unhealthy relationship.
Feeling unsure of yourself in new relationships, whether in yourself, your choices, or your new partner.
Feeling worthless, unsure, and/or anxious.
Having intrusive and repetitive thoughts with flashbacks and nightmares.
“Many people who experience [trauma] experience flashbacks from times when the relationship was traumatic and traumatic, [or] nightmares related to the themes of the relationship,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Paul DiPompeo.
“You become hyper-vigilant about things you’ve endured and fear they might happen again at any moment. You can have bouts of intense anger or sadness. You can get waves of self-doubt and take on a lot of responsibility for what happened.”
Some healing can’t happen until you get into a new relationship. That’s why these issues initially arose with the partner who became my current husband.
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Here are 4 positive steps that anyone suffering from the effects of a past painful relationship can take to heal:
- Seek help from a mental health professional and know that it will take time
For me, these issues didn’t just develop overnight, and they didn’t go away overnight. I had to actively work on healing my wounds with the help of a professional and by practicing new skills with my partner. Contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness for low-cost or free resources to help you.
- Emphasize that you are not who you are
I am not the same insecure and afraid 23-year-old woman who chose my ex-husband. I was 34 when this recall happened. Since then, I have done a lot of growth and healing that I can be happy about today.
- Emphasize that other people are not like your abusive ex
Because I was no longer the same person who had chosen my ex-husband, I began to trust that my current partner was not like him either. If I were healthier, I would choose a healthier partner, which I did (with gratitude).
- Be positive
Relationships are challenging, no matter how healthy we are in them.
It’s incredibly brave to love — to be open and vulnerable with someone who also has the power to hurt us to the core.
It’s important to stay positive because things may keep coming up. Remember to keep loving no matter how hard it is.
For a while, it’s been important for me to focus on the positive experiences I’ve had with my current partner, to realize, “Hey, my partner didn’t freak out at me because the tire blew!” It helped me build confidence on that basis.
