Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. From spouses and romantic partners to supervisors and co-workers, the ability to communicate well is essential to a happy and effective relationship.
However, bad communication can destroy a relationship. In particular, there are 3 types of toxic communication styles that we can easily fall into — and if we’re not careful, they can poison even the healthiest relationships.
In this article, I’ll walk you through the three types of unhealthy communication—passive-aggressive, and passive-aggressive communication—so you can learn how to recognize it in your relationships and eliminate it before it causes too much damage.
Then we’ll end on a high note by discussing assertiveness – the one communication style that is always healthy and productive no matter the situation or relationship.
Here are the three toxic communication styles that always end relationships:
- Negative communication
As the middle child in a large, chaotic family, Jessica learned from an early age that playing nice and letting people get what they want kept her out of the limelight and, as a result, made her life less stressful and stressful. Unfortunately, while this strategy worked as a child, it was wreaking havoc in her relationships as an adult, especially with her new husband.
Jessica came to see me in therapy because she was feeling waves of anger and resentment toward her partner and didn’t know what to do. He was a nice man and good to her, so she was terrified and confused because she seemed to have strong feelings of anger towards him and then guilt towards herself.
When I asked Jessica to describe her relationship with her husband, it quickly became clear that she was a classic negative communicator — always putting off what she wanted and preferring to “be nice” and keep things running smoothly.
From what to watch on Netflix to where they went on vacation, Jessica almost always said she had no preference and went along with whatever her husband suggested.
Chronically ignoring your wants and needs is not nice, it is dishonest. A fundamentally insincere relationship will never work out in the long run.
Negative communication is when you ignore or hide the truth about how you feel or what you want, usually as a way to avoid conflict.
While negative communication is often good at the moment because it makes you seem sacrificial and generous (at least to yourself), it almost always fails in the long run because it’s fundamentally dishonest.
A relationship built on lies – even gentle ones – will eventually fall apart. A negative communicator will inevitably become upset because his or her needs are not being met. They will also feel guilty because they know, on some level, that they should be honest.
The key to overcoming a negative communication style is to know that your fear of conflict is exaggerated. You have to learn on a deep level that you can be honest about what you want and need and things will be okay.
Start small. Try expressing your preference for little things that you would normally prefer to someone else:
Ask the waiter to move you to another table.
Let your partner know that you want to eat Chinese food again, even though you had it last night.
Being true to yourself and your wants and needs does not necessarily mean conflict or disrespect for others. Train yourself to communicate confidently and your relationships will flourish.
- Aggressive communication
John was a successful corporate lawyer, and he came to see me in therapy because his wife was at her wit’s end and threatened to divorce him unless he got help. He knew that he had some problems in his life, mostly personal problems: in addition to his marriage being always strained, he was often in disputes with the partners in his company and always in stressful disagreements with his sister about the condition of his parents. Property.
But for John, all these problems were external, the result of stressful circumstances, the incompetence of others, or just plain bad luck. It rarely occurred to John that some of his problems could be the result of his own choices and actions.
John didn’t see it that way, but he was a bully and had been that way his whole life. He was smart enough that he was never so abusive that he lost his job or got arrested. But the truth is that he was mean and aggressive to people to get what he wanted.
He once told his law partner: “If you had only half the work ethic, we would be making twice as much profit as we are now.”
Being aggressive toward others can give you what you want in the short term, but end up losing out on the most important things in the long term.
Aggressive communication is when you express your wants and needs without regard to the rights and preferences of others.
Importantly, aggression is not usually the result of pure spite or a lack of psychopathic empathy; Rather, it is a reaction to fear and insecurity.
Despite its superficial appearance, anger is a positive emotion, meaning that it is good to be angry. When we are angry, the basic assessment is that someone or something is wrong and, therefore, we are right. This boosts our ego.
People with a chronically aggressive communication style have learned to use anger and aggression as a way to deal with their fears and insecurities. Unfortunately, because this is so harmful to others, they end up feeling more insecure and afraid than when they started, because all of their relationships are strained.
The key to working through an aggressive communication style is self-awareness.
Specifically, you should begin to notice the initial fear and helplessness that precedes anger and come up with healthy ways to address it.
Aggressive communication does not mean that someone is evil. Like all bullies, it means they are afraid and don’t know how to help themselves. The best way to help yourself or someone else with an aggressive communication style is to do things you can be proud of in a healthy way. Help someone with a small task, volunteer your time, and share your concerns in small ways.
