The term “toxic relationship” means a lot. It indicates that everyone in it knows it is toxic. It means a hard break and a firm, strong confession.

Toxic relationships are what we bring to bars and wine nights with our girlfriends, where we can talk about them and feel that they’re sitting comfortably in the past. Toxic partners are ghosts, right?

I was in a toxic relationship for three years, and when I left, it didn’t seem like this. At least, not at first.

It looked like dirty dishes left in the sink, a beating heart, and a three-line note. It looked like a small suitcase crammed with possessions, a train ride, and fear. It felt like a lot of other things too, things I couldn’t fully articulate until years after I left.

These are some things I wish someone had told me to expect. I’m telling you now so you can move it, whether you have an eye on your exit or not.

Here’s what you need to know about how to leave a toxic relationship.

Leaving is not easy.

It is much easier to talk about a toxic relationship than to leave it. It’s easier to stay in one.

Whether you’ve entertained the idea of closing the door on toxicity or haven’t considered it yet, getting off the stage isn’t easy. In many cases, it is a wall. it was mine. Every time I looked for the doorknob, I found the inevitable: love.

It’s easy to love a toxic partner. It’s easy to think you can treat toxicity, erase it, and digest it like a healthy couple’s problem.

With my toxic partner, I was afraid of what I would be like without him. I was more fearful of him outside the relationship than I was in it.

The painful truth is that many men and women in toxic relationships are unable to simply leave—out of fear, because of that complicated love that binds us to what hurts us, because of money and children, and so many other things.

There’s nothing wrong if you don’t leave. If you leave, you may feel as if you haven’t left yet.

The toxicity does not go away immediately.

Saying no to toxicity or abuse is not a clean break. It’s a knife through brick.

Toxicity may follow you. It followed me in the form of thought patterns that my ex implanted in my mind: beliefs that I was crazy, emotionally stable, changeable, and unworthy.

He followed me in fear. I took this toxicity with me into every relationship, encounter, and subsequent relationship, and it always reared its head. I tried to explain it but found I couldn’t.

Even when I set fire to the photos, letters, notes, and memories from my relationship—a veritable treasure trove of toxic love—the smoke didn’t carry them away.

What finally chases those threads of darkness away? love. Not from someone else, but from your cruel heart.

You are hungry for your toxic partner.

You may feel hungry for your ex. You may feel hungry for him or her for years after you leave. This is because toxic partners often teach us not to get enough of their addictive behaviors.

Toxic people can be strangely attractive, whether because of their charm, bad boy streak, or mysterious, depressed face. They can be great lovers, romantic partners, and deep listeners. They may have wonderful qualities and fierce passion.

You will want to come back. You will want to crawl into their bed and taste their lips. You may feel as if no one will ever understand you the way your partner does.

You may feel ashamed of having this desire.

It’s okay to want. As humans, we desire dark things as much as we desire light. Desire allows us to know that the past is valid, and the future is even healthier.

Sometimes the choice doesn’t come from you.

It’s hard to identify toxicity when you’re immersed in it. I was blind to it, even as I welcomed it and ignored it.

Leaving a toxic relationship, then, may not be entirely your decision. Friends and family members might say something. They may urge you to move out. They may decide for you, and you can let them.

Even as you prepare to leave, you may feel like everyone is overreacting. Or maybe you feel the truth in their words but wish you could express the same.

Choice can come from anywhere. The important thing is that it is made.

It takes time to figure out “normal.”

Toxic partners weave a web of language and intimacy. Within a toxic relationship, what is toxic is “normal.”

I adapted to the way I argued with my toxic ex, where the arguments would go back and forth, always landing on me, often leading to violence. I assumed this was “normal.” I assumed that arguments were always dangerous and fruitless.

I assumed a lot of other things too.

Outside of this relationship, I felt like I was learning how to use a diamond for the first time. I was frightened by the rapid flames, marveled at the way fire creates words in the night, and felt curious that these were not new inventions.

Many times I burned my hand.

It takes time to recalibrate. It often takes other people to help you redefine normal, in the form of partners, teachers, and friends. The wrong people will continue to shift your normal perspective in the opposite direction; The right people will let you define it.

This relationship may not be your last.

I wish I could tell you that you would never have any more toxic relationships. I wish I could find all the non-toxic humans in the world and send them to your doorstep.

It is very common for men and women to leave toxic relationships behind and head straight into another relationship. This is especially true for people who do not take the time to recalibrate, readapt, and open their eyes to the sun after sun exposure.

I’m not saying that everyone gets Stockholm Syndrome in a toxic state. But I will say that it is possible to learn to love and hunger for toxicity. So what is “healthy” may seem unexciting or vanilla, while what is “unhealthy” becomes addictive.

You may feel as if you are running towards the exit all the time. This is good. Running is movement, and movement is learning. One day you will run to the door that opens to the love that honors and cherishes you.

It can be dangerous.

Toxic relationships are often abusive. I have a lot to say about abusive relationships because I was in them for many years. If you’re currently dating an abusive partner (or think you are), I have some words for you.

Emotional abuse may not lead to violence, but it can. Toxic partners may have access to weapons. They may react seriously when you express your desire to leave. It may explode or come after you. They may not do any of these things.

What I’m saying is that there is always a possibility. Be careful. Seek help if you can.

What did you do? I’ve got the police on my side. I’ve covered my tracks. I chose safety, and I stayed safe.

It may be the most powerful thing you do.

I will always say that darkness can change your life. I changed mine.

When you leave a toxic relationship behind, you make a decision that is primarily up to you. You are taking a stand for healthy, abundant, vibrant love. You’re also giving yourself a glimpse of what you’re worth—something beyond that, something that recognizes your amazing potential and beauty.

There will be pain. You will wish you could get through the pain, get through the healing process, and move on. But in this pain, there is more power than you can expect.

I didn’t see my strength until about two years after I left. I realized that I had no limits. I realized that I could love, better and deeper, and be loved in return.

I realized that no one could stop me or trap me again. Not on my shift.

Others may not understand.

It’s hard to describe the toxicity, the way it sticks to your skin. People who have never been in toxic relationships don’t understand the importance and weight of your leaving.

This seems logical. But it’s also isolated. It might make you want to tell your story over and over again to people who will listen, as I do now. It may make you want to scream and scream.

So, scream and scream. Someone will listen. (I am.)

The air tastes so good.

truly. When you open that window and crawl through it away from the toxicity, the air becomes incredibly sweet. You turn your cheek toward the sun and inhale. Feel your limbs, strong and real.

The air will never taste good again. Breathe deeply – it’s worth it.

Here’s what you need to know about how to leave a toxic relationship.

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