Toxic romantic relationships always involve toxic communication patterns.
In her book Toxic People, Gillian Glass describes a relationship dynamic in which one or both people, intentionally or unintentionally, undermine, disrespect, or put down the other. In couples, these types of communication trends are often associated with cycles of painful fights or even breakups, followed by dramatic reconciliations, resulting in a very tense, chaotic, and unstable foundational relationship.
Toxic communication styles can have negative psychological consequences for people in relationships.
For example, in a sample of 457 former and current romantic partners of people with psychopathic traits recruited from online support group websites, Forth and colleagues (2022) found noteworthy emotional consequences of being in a romantic partnership with someone with an acting-out tendency. In intentional, impulsive, and harmful ways.
In other words, being in a relationship with someone with toxic tendencies was associated with trauma responses (hypervigilance, obsessive thinking, reliving events), symptoms of depression and anxiety, biological consequences (difficulty sleeping), and feelings of guilt or shame.
Related:
10 common ways people communicate toxically
Dysfunctional romantic relationships:
- Direct cuts
Comments that intentionally try to make someone feel bad about who they are as a person. This is often reflected through the use of labels that put someone down and paint them in a negative light, such as calling them “stupid” or “loser.”
- Targeting weak points
Take advantage of your partner’s weaknesses and insecurities in a lively way. For example, during a heated argument, you might say, “You’re still as insecure and jealous as you always were. Your ex was right about you.”
- Lying intentionally:
Being blatantly dishonest with a colleague. Lying inherently erodes trust in a relationship, making it difficult to stay in touch when the lie is discovered.
Related:
- Passive-aggressive messages
Communicating one message nonverbally but stating another message verbally. For example, when someone is asked how they feel, they may respond by saying, “I’m fine. Everything is fine,” even though it is clear that they are generally angry, sad, or upset.
- Gaslighting
Deliberately trying to make someone question their point of view or reason. For example, to make someone question their choices, a partner might say, “You’re just crazy. Your feelings are completely wrong.”
- Procrastination
Cutting off contact, communication, or even physical touch to punish your partner. Here, it is the lack of connection and communication that is detrimental.
Related:
- Evading responsibility
Explaining unacceptable behavior, getting defensive, or refusing to see one’s role in the conflict (even if it is a small one). Instead of making disrespectful comments, for example, a person might say, “I only acted that way because I love you so much; You know I never meant to hurt you.
- Disrespectful nonverbal cues
Body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and/or other nonverbal cues that indicate rejection and disapproval. Although a person may not say something disrespectful directly, they can express disregard, displeasure, and disinterest very easily without words.
- Emotional aggression
Yelling, screaming, and highly emotionally volatile interactions. Violent fights prompt people to say bad things, not only in content but also in tone. It’s not just what is said, but how it’s said, that can be a problem.
Related:
- Contempt
Coming from a position of superiority with extreme disregard for someone because they are “less than.” For example, saying something like: “I’m so much better than you, you’re lucky I’ve put up with your crap this long.”
Romantic relationships, marriage, and long-term relationships can be very difficult, and it’s normal to go through some ups and downs. However, if you find yourself in a toxic pattern of communicating with your partner characterized by blaming, name-calling, disrespectful dialogue, or contempt that harms your physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being, it may also be time to move on.
