You feel like you’re playing again. But you’re also confused. It sounds like the narcissist attacked you, but it was so indirect that you questioned your reality.
You are now left feeling threatened and unsafe. It also seems like other people are annoyed with you, and you’re not quite sure what you did wrong!
If all of this sounds familiar, you’ve probably experienced narcissistic triangulation. Triangulation is a malicious weapon that narcissists use to control others. It’s a form of psychological abuse, but it can be difficult to detect.
Let’s get into what you need to know.
What is narcissistic triangulation?
Narcissistic triangulation refers to how narcissists use other people or situations to make themselves feel better. They are essentially introducing a “third party” to change the dynamic.
Sometimes, their efforts at triangulation are obvious to everyone. Other times, this procedure is more precise.
Narcissists often use triangulation in their most important relationships. You will see this with partners, children, and close friends. It’s how they maintain their power and status quo.
Here are some examples to illustrate how this dynamic plays out.
Narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships
Bob is a narcissist who is jealous of the attention his beautiful wife, Erin, gets when they go out. Bob is always afraid that Erin will cheat on him with another man. One day, Bob comes home and tells Erin that he is no longer friends with his best friend, Carl. Bob mentions that Carl confided that he had a crush on Erin.
However, Bob exaggerated the situation (as many narcissists do). Maybe Carl complimented Erin on her dress, and Bob accepted it because he liked her.
Irene, of course, feels extremely guilty about what happened. Bob now has the upper hand and maintains a sense of control over the relationship. His strategy temporarily attracts more of Erin’s attention, sympathy, and sympathy, all of which feed Bob’s narcissistic stock.
Now Erin feels more responsible for proving her loyalty to Bob. Furthermore, Bob keeps telling his other friends that Carl has a crush on another man’s wife. This makes them feel uncomfortable around Carl, which makes Bob feel more powerful.
Narcissistic triangulation in education
Dan and Linda are separated but co-parenting. Linda is a narcissist who believes she should have full custody of her children. She is angry that the court did not grant her that access.
While Dan tries to maintain firm boundaries with his children, Linda makes all kinds of exceptions. She has no problem bending the rules to become the “favorite” parent.
Furthermore, she often vents to her children about all the terrible things Dan did during their marriage. She keeps reminding them how much she loves them, and how Dan just loves his job. She might even make up a lie about him seeing another woman and wanting to have children with her.
Dan feels helpless. He doesn’t want to badmouth his ex in front of the kids, but he doesn’t like to feel like the “bad guy” either.
Narcissistic triangulation in the workplace
Tina and Jane are in a similar situation, both competing for the same upcoming promotion. They are friendly with each other, but Tina is a secret narcissist and naturally believes she is best suited for the role.
Jane ends up getting the promotion. A few days later, Tina invited her boss to lunch. She is friendly and talkative and lets her boss know that she “feels guilty” for holding secrets for Jane.
Tina then spends the next thirty minutes dwelling on all the mistakes Jane has made. She tells her boss that she’s sworn to secrecy, but she’s genuinely concerned about Jane’s reckless behavior.
The boss believes Tina’s concerns and rescinds the promotion offer. A few weeks later, Jane is demoted from the company while Tina gets the promotion she wants. The boss has no idea that Tina lied. Jane has no idea why she lost her promotion.
Why do narcissists triangulate?
Triangulation is not unique to narcissism. Even healthy people do this sometimes, and it’s usually talked about in the context of family therapy. For example, a couple experiencing marital problems may seek counseling. But then they focus on how therapy isn’t helping them, making the therapist the problem.
However, narcissists often rely on triangulation to keep others “on track.” They use it to ensure loyalty and sabotage the successes of others. In other words, it is an extreme form of control.
Narcissists also triangulate because it works. In general, most of us like to give others the benefit of the doubt. Therefore, a good-natured person should not assume that the narcissist has ulterior motives when sharing something. They may fall straight into their manipulation trap.
Since empaths and narcissists often end up having relationships with each other, the narcissist takes advantage of someone else’s desire to save them. The empath believes that the narcissist is a flawed but good person. They want to see them change and improve. The narcissist knows that the empath thinks this way and uses it to his advantage.
How do you know that you are a triangle?
Unfortunately, triangulation can be effective because it is so deceptive and deceptive. You probably have no idea what the narcissist is saying about you behind your back. Even if things seem to be going well in your relationship, that doesn’t mean the narcissist isn’t planning.
Others suddenly act completely differently
Do your coworkers stop talking as soon as you enter the room? Is your friend suddenly saving you or scaring you?
Sudden personality changes can occur for many reasons, but triangulation can cause it. Narcissists are charming and skilled at reading others. They will say whatever they need to to try to convince others to believe their delusions.
You feel like you need to constantly prove yourself
No matter what you do, it’s not enough. The narcissist always seems to have a problem with how to respond. They have no problem putting others at the forefront of your struggle.
If all this sounds familiar, you’re probably a victim of their triangulation. Not all narcissists are outwardly vindictive and cruel – many rely on more covert techniques to manipulate people. Thus, they will put you through various “tests” to prove your loyalty.
You feel bullied
Triangulation can look like bullying. The narcissist knows your weaknesses and will exploit them for the rest of the world. Additionally, they have no consideration for how their actions affect you.
If you feel bullied, this is a clear sign of triangulation. Many ex-partners, scapegoated children, or estranged friends report experiencing severe bullying from narcissistic relationships.
As you know, bullies thrive on tearing others down to make themselves feel good. Narcissists have low self-esteem, and their bullying displays a feeling of superiority. They also benefit from having other people on their side, which is the backbone of triangulation.
What should you do if you are triangulated?
Knowing how narcissists manipulate people is the first step toward recognizing red flags in your relationship. In healthy dynamics, people respect each other. They deal with conflicts maturely and without criticism or disdain.
Narcissists, of course, don’t play by these rules. They use triangulation to get what they want, despite how much they hurt others.
Don’t take it personally
Don’t blame yourself for their behavior. You didn’t do anything wrong. Even if you disagree about something, that doesn’t give anyone an excuse to belittle or belittle you.
So, as a first approach, it is important to remind yourself that their narcissistic expectations are not indicative of actual reality. It doesn’t matter who the “subject” is. When they feel threatened, they will do whatever they can to take revenge or restore the status quo.
Irresistible
As you know, narcissists thrive in chaos. Some of them will blatantly trivialize people just to get a lift out of them.
For example, at the dinner table, a narcissistic father might say to his complaining daughter, “I don’t know why your mother cooks meatloaf for dinner. I know you hate meatloaf! She’s been so busy working that she probably doesn’t pay much attention to you.”
If you were the mother in this situation, how would you feel? You will likely feel angry, upset, and ashamed. And like most people, you probably want to say something mean in return!
But fighting with a narcissist will get you nowhere. They thrive on conflict and have no problem criticizing, gaslighting, and discrediting you until they destroy you. So, instead, it is better to avoid giving them the satisfaction of any reaction.
Stop getting involved in the relationship
Being in a relationship with a narcissist almost always enables their toxic behavior. Even if you set firm boundaries, they will work hard to bend or break them.
Over time, this pattern becomes exhausting! You will spend more time trying to define your boundaries than you will spend enjoying the actual relationship.
Triangulation is harmful and psychologically damaging. Not contacting the narcissist is the best way to respond to this vindictive behavior. Making this choice gives you the freedom to pursue your interests, passions, and relationships — without worrying about someone else sabotaging them.
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