Love is a powerful force that can heal even the deepest wounds, but toxic ex-partners can leave scars that last long after the relationship ends. For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, the journey toward healing and finding love again can be especially daunting. The consequences of such a toxic attachment can leave individuals feeling broken, insecure, and uncertain about their ability to engage in a healthy relationship. Most survivors wonder how to handle a new relationship after narcissistic abuse.
In this article, we’ll delve into the brave journey of how to deal with a narcissistic ex when you’re in a new relationship and suggestions on how to navigate the first weeks and months of getting to know someone.
So, grab your notebook, and let’s dive into it.
Understanding narcissistic motivations when you are in a new relationship with another person
Before we talk about how to deal with a narcissistic ex-partner when starting a new relationship, it is necessary to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior in this context. Narcissists crave attention and control, using manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse to maintain their control over others.
This behavior often continues even after the relationship ends. If you don’t block them, they may continue to call and text you as if your breakup never happened or pretend like they haven’t been ignoring you with complete disdain.
They may try to impress you with “remaining friends,” which to them means that they will still control you through emotional manipulation and inserting themselves into your life whenever they want. No one who agreed to remain “friends with a narcissist” was happy with that decision, unless he or she was still clinging to the vain hope that the relationship could be reshaped.
The narcissist may intensify his or her smear campaign in an attempt to destroy what little self-esteem you have left. They may go so far as to approach your new partner and try to get them to listen to the narcissistic side of things. In the narcissist’s mind, if you have no self-esteem and he can run away from your new partner, he can bring you back under his thumb so you can become his emotional punching bag again.
They will often do their best to sabotage your new relationship. In their minds, they don’t want what they believe is the source of their narcissism to go to someone else. That’s why it’s up to you to set impenetrable boundaries when starting a new relationship.
Staying connected to a toxic ex can prevent you from fully healing and overcoming past trauma. Unresolved emotions and traumas can surface in the new relationship, leaving you hypervigilant and agitated, even though there are no actual red flags in the new relationship.
This can cause you to act in ways that are unattractive to someone who has never had a narcissistic partner or any experience in toxic relationships. Most healthy people wouldn’t have a lot of patience for this kind of thing, because part of a healthy lifestyle is cutting ties with toxic people. So, if you care about the success of your new relationship, you must make sure that your narcissistic ex cannot violate your security.
How to deal with a new relationship after narcissistic abuse
Let’s go over how to deal with a new relationship after narcissistic abuse. Emotional baggage from a toxic past can create confidence issues, self-doubt, and anxiety. The narcissist may also try to interfere or cause conflict in your new relationship, putting your chances of finding happiness at risk.
If your breakup was fairly recent, you may still have an active trauma bond. This is why I always recommend waiting at least a year, with ongoing therapeutic work, before starting a new relationship. Failure to do so usually results in one of two things: 1) You will find yourself stuck in the middle of another toxic relationship, or 2) You will sabotage your new relationship.
Survivors of abuse often have difficulty trusting in new relationships because of past experiences. If your toxic ex is still in the picture, it may magnify these trust issues and lead to feelings of jealousy, doubt, or insecurity in the new relationship. You may find it difficult to believe that your new partner won’t hurt you in the same way your ex did. You may find yourself stalking or monitoring your new partner without having a reason to do so.
Of course, you want to properly vet someone if you’re dating them. But the right pace and allowing people to show who they are shouldn’t make them feel like they’re under a microscope. Pay attention to red flags when they appear, but don’t invest too much of yourself in a new relationship until someone has earned your trust. This generally won’t happen during the honeymoon phase… but rather after the chemistry has broken down quickly and you’re able to see them for who they are.
Setting boundaries
The first step in dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner is to set clear boundaries. Remember, boundaries are not meant to punish or control the narcissist, but rather to protect yourself and your new relationship. And they’re not always boundaries that need to be expressed verbally to the narcissist… because they’re meant for you. It’s a road map of where you want things to be. So, you need to clearly understand what this looks like for you.
These boundaries will generally seem to prevent the narcissist from accessing your phone, email, and social media accounts unless you have one of the big three situations like joint custody, shared employment, or co-employment. However, this does not mean that you should let them run free like a rabid dog tearing apart the neighborhood.
In any of these three situations, you will need to use a highly modified contact or allow your attorney to handle matters. I always recommend allowing them to contact you via email rather than your cell phone, as cell phone conversations do not provide proof of anything, and text messages are often not admissible in court if the need for amendment exists. But since this is not legal advice, you should ask your lawyer.
Limit contact
Reduce or eliminate contact with narcissists to reduce their influence on your life. Again, there are only a few situations in which you need to maintain contact with your narcissistic ex – joint custody, owning a business together, or co-working.
Choose email as your primary means of communication to maintain a documented record. Again, ask your attorney for details.
Aside from these three scenarios, there is no real reason why you need to talk or interact with your narcissistic ex. Unless you’re gathering documents for an upcoming court hearing, any other reason you tell yourself is usually self-sabotaging. And your new partner probably won’t be very happy if he finds out that you haven’t cut ties with your ex.
There is no interaction
Narcissists feed on emotional reactions, whether good, bad, or sad. If you need to interact with them because of the Big Three, remain calm and collected when communicating with them, while maintaining your dignity. You don’t want to start screaming like a villain in front of a new partner, because he or she will think that this behavior is what he should look forward to. However, narcissists will love this because they’ll know the deal, so if your new partner leans toward the narcissistic side, he or she might join you too…but a healthy person will look to sneak in the back door while you’re getting into a screaming match with your narcissistic ex.
Keep your new partner informed
Be open and honest with your new partner about your past experiences, so they understand the situation and can support you.
This can be difficult, especially if your narcissistic ex is stalking you. If so, you probably want to take care of this situation as much as possible before bringing someone else into the fray. This is not the kind of energy you want for a new relationship.
Avoid the blame game
It is important not to blame yourself for the narcissist’s actions. Understand that their behavior is a reflection of their issues and lack of values, not your value or worth as a person. However, you want to make sure that you put a seal on your life so that the narcissist cannot contact you. This is like hitting the “destroy” button on your new relationship if you don’t.
You may still be biochemically addicted to drama, but most healthy dating partners will view this as a major turnoff. They will wonder why you continue to deal with your toxic ex when there is no need to (unless you have one of the three scenarios I mentioned before).
Focus on growth
Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on personal growth. Work on building your self-esteem and assertiveness. Learn from your experiences and commit to healthy relationships in the future. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into narcissistic drama because you won’t rewire your neural pathways that way. In the same vein, instead of looking for narcissism 24/7, you might want to consider looking for healthy relationships…but, as a personal aside, I wouldn’t put attachment styles in your syllabus unless you think you’re anxious/insecure and want in that. To learn how to overcome it. But don’t take it any further. In other words, don’t try to figure out how to get into a new relationship with someone who you think might be dismissive or avoidant. If you think this is the case, it indicates a severe lack of compatibility. If you want healthy love, don’t focus on catering to someone who will reinforce your abandonment wounds or keep you in a severe state of anxiety.
Seek professional help
If you find it difficult to deal with the influence of a narcissistic ex, consider seeking professional help. When I say professional help, I’m not necessarily talking about therapy. I mean seek professional help through an attorney, private investigator, or local domestic violence center. Of course, therapy can be helpful if you find the right therapist, but the wrong therapist will only make things worse for you. Sometimes, you won’t know until you’ve attended a few sessions, but once they start putting you off or you seem like you know nothing about abusive relationships, it’s time to find a new therapist.
Don’t rush into new relationships
Take your time before entering into a new relationship. Make sure you have done a fair amount of healing and are ready to embrace a healthy connection. Again, I generally recommend taking a year off from dating before trying to make new connections and doing consistent internal work. Keep in mind that inner work does not include watching TikTok videos or reading the umpteenth article about narcissists.
If these things worked, we wouldn’t see the uptick in toxic relationships that we have, nor would we see people who have been out of toxic relationships for years but still haven’t recovered. It may help you figure out how to handle a new relationship after narcissistic abuse, but that’s just the beginning. Real work is work that helps you learn ways to protect yourself and move forward.
Inner work is not about abusers and what drives them. Inner work works on working through your trauma and learning emotional resilience. It’s learning to trust yourself. She is your best advocate and has your back when someone acts superficial. Reading the 20th book about narcissists probably won’t show you how to do this.
