When a man is a narcissist, he will do anything to get to the top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim using a defensive manipulation tactic called “DARVO” — which is what Brett Kavanaugh recently did during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.
#What is DARVO?
Jennifer J. Freed, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe “a typical reaction of perpetrators of wrongdoing, especially sex offenders, in response to being held accountable for their behavior.”
“DARVO,” she explains, stands for “Denial, Attack, and Reversal of Victim and Offender,” a pattern through which the aggressor seamlessly shifts the focus away from his behavior to that of the accused.
Related: How ‘Social Zapping’ Defines The Reasons Many Narcissists Cancel Plans
Justice Kavanaugh’s initially calm disavowal (denial) quickly turned to anger (attack), then to tears (reverse), along with self-indignation (victimization) as he bemoaned how his life had been ruined by those who directed Counts. (Now the perpetrators). This claim appears to be a slight exaggeration since he is now a member of the Supreme Court.
President Trump used his DARVO when he not only defended Kavanaugh but reminded us how he was wrongfully accused of sexual indiscretions by “four or five” women, apparently rounding the number of accusers down. a lot.
You may have seen DARVO advocacy up close and personal in your relationships. It can start when you ask a simple question. You soon see that what you thought was a reasonable query turns into a conflict.
It becomes clear that your partner believes that you are accusing him of something completely scandalous. There’s a lot of back and forth as the conversation heats up. Turns out it was your fault all along. You know the drill.
#Here’s how DARVO works.
She sees a text message on his phone. It’s from a woman. It’s not someone you know. He seems flirtatious. Ask about it.
He calmly tells you some nonsense about the woman’s identity and denies that anything disturbing happened. You ask a follow-up question or two.
He starts getting angry. Then he goes into a froth, screaming that you can never trust him. It points out how grateful you are for everything he does for you.
He escalates by telling you what a pathetic whiner you’ve become. And by the way, you’re paranoid – you always think he’s up to something. He thought you were special, but maybe he was wrong about you.
If you keep making your case about why any reasonable person would naturally be a skeptic, he’ll cry.
This is where “reflection” comes into play.
He may be complaining: “How can you think so badly of me?”
Or it could be a bossy, “I don’t know what else I can do to prove my love for you.”
Or maybe it’s a frantic, “I’ve spent so much of my life with you… I don’t want to not see my kids every morning… Why are you trying to ruin my life?”
See how cleverly he made himself the victim?
Once you experience his tears, if you’re like most women who hang out with a narcissistic man like this, you start to feel sorry for him. He knows you’ll do it and he’s counting on it.
Now, you’ve effectively become the culprit.
You made him cry. He may be crying without real tears, but he will quizzically point out that he has not always been able to cry real tears. And if you don’t give up the first time, after several rounds of anger, accusations, tears, and self-pity, you will give up.
Related: 9 Scary Ways Narcissistic Victim Syndrome Traps You In A Bad Relationship
