Is your significant other more interested in the issues that matter to him (his time, interests, money, golf, self-esteem, fulfillment, etc.) than listening, sharing, and resolving your needs/concerns? If so, you are probably married to a narcissist. Because you may not yet know how to deal with a narcissistic spouse or partner, you may feel lost. If his conversations revolve around his issues (Where are my clothes? When will I have dinner? How can you make me look good?) and rarely focus on your needs (How quickly will you find medical care?), then you probably have a selfish person accidentally trapped inside. The most socially oriented institution is marriage. In other words, you are married to a narcissist.
A narcissistic spouse is someone who operates with an inflated self-view and constantly needs to ignore interpersonal relationships with others that could challenge his inflated self-view. While they focus on how to maintain their image of self-greatness, they must pursue their self-interests and compete fiercely with others for approval, visibility, and influence in pursuit of their goals. He may even compete with you for the children’s approval, love, and company, confirming that he is the best parent.
One of the most troubling signs of a narcissistic spouse is that he or she has little real interest in the well-being of others, other than how to exploit others. Are you being used as a prop to show the world that he too can be “happily married,” or are you in a true partnership with him? Now that you have the full picture of your situation living with a narcissistic spouse, see what you can do to improve it.
Related: How ‘Social Zapping’ Defines The Reasons Many Narcissists Cancel Plans
#Here are 10 small signs that indicate that your husband is a narcissist and how to deal with them:
1. He exaggerates his importance, achievements, and talents
Once you suspect your narcissism, start discounting what he says, at least by half. You know how they say to take it with a grain of salt? You will need a bag here.
2. He needs constant attention and positive reinforcement from you and others
Learn to see this trait early so you don’t build expectations that all your attention should be directed to meeting his needs. If you are already in this position of full-time companion and reinforcement provider, begin a systematic withdrawal procedure, step by step. If you are married, plan to wean your husband off of you as your “all and everything” because, later on, he will mercilessly compete with your children’s needs.
3. He is obsessed with himself and seeks mainly selfish goals
Train yourself to expect exactly this behavior, not selflessly consider the needs of others, and be independent in solving your own needs. If you ask: “But, then, what kind of marriage do I have?” Your answer will depend on other aspects of this marriage that could be positive for you.
Related: 11 Painfully Honest Things I Learned From Falling In Love With A Narcissist
4. He sets great and unrealistic goals
A little awareness is necessary here because he will dream of lofty situations that are easy to believe and doable. Set your goals on a mini version of the goal, and see if you can help it get there. You’re balancing between making him completely frustrated and upset (because that lofty goal didn’t happen), and making him a bit depressed but with something to do, that promises rewards if achieved.
5. He wants the “best” in everything (food, cars, strong friends)
On a family level, you’ll see the decision-making process balance between, “Let’s get this sports car where I look really good” and, “We need a utilitarian truck for the family.” Does your husband express his need to have a new car every year at the expense of meeting other, less flashy family needs? If you think you are dealing with a narcissist and plan to continue the relationship, the healthy decision is to take control of the family finances as quickly as possible and spend them with a focus on the family’s needs.
6. He becomes easily hurt and rejected if he is not liked
Now, here comes the reality: those great dreams fail and never become reality, and their inner childhood needs for love and acceptance opens up again. This is the moment when you understand why those dreams are so great and why they cannot be achieved. You can protect yourself by giving him some “crisis therapy,” so you don’t have to deal with a severely depressed person later. Look for some positive aspects and remind him of his value.
7. He exploits others to reach his own goals
Now comes the real test of your marriage: If the great dreams fail, it will be because “others didn’t help enough,” and now is the time to use relationships and family to push back to achieve the lofty goal, whether it’s realistic or not. See yourself being forcibly tapped with your resources (or your parents’ retirement money) to achieve the same unrealistic goals. If you have other resources, such as connections, skills, and possessions, be careful not to forcefully apply them in pursuit of your goals.
Related: 9 Scary Ways Narcissistic Victim Syndrome Traps You In A Bad Relationship
8. He is not attached to or sensitive to the feelings of others
All this selfish behavior tells you that he is more connected to seeking his satisfaction than caring about other people’s needs or feelings. It doesn’t matter that you explain your pain and share your reactions. He will only listen to push his desires. This is a bitter pill to swallow because this Narcissistic Personality Disorder is also how the brain works – not your responsibility, but almost impossible to change. You need to take care of yourself and be proactive in making yourself happy: take care of your health, your body, and your feelings because you are alone.
9. He reacts to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
If you insist on claiming that your resources have been squandered without your consent and that you have other, more important family needs that should be solved by this money rather than his projects, you risk a lot of his wrath. Be aware that he will be angry with you, not with the mismanagement of his money, and do not take anything he says personally. Only a spoiled or hurt child speaks, and what he says about you does not describe you, but rather describes his frustration.
10. He has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
If you decide you want to stay married, you have to accept that you will be carrying the heavy lifting in the relationship. Communication, support, understanding, and being there during bad times will be your main duty. Here is a balance between his other qualities and his narcissism. If he is a genius and you admire the genius, putting up with his narcissistic self is the price you pay. Good luck balancing your self-esteem and keeping such a husband.
