I clearly remember the moment my marriage ended.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but when my therapist stopped me mid-sentence and told me it wasn’t okay for my husband to treat me this way, that marked the beginning of my messy stumble toward divorce.
Unfortunately, our divorce was more traumatic than the marriage itself.
Related: If He’s Bad At These 3 Things, He’s Likely A Covert Narcissist
Narcissists, as I eventually learned, don’t go quietly into the night; They use the legal system as another weapon in their arsenal of manipulation and fear. No lies are far-fetched or alien to a narcissist.
Divorce, for narcissists, is just another way to continue their abuse, and the legal system becomes an unwitting pawn in their pathological game.
It’s been four years since that moment in my therapist’s office, and two years since my divorce was finalized. While most of the wounds have healed now, if I had to do it over again, I would make many different choices along the way.
#Here are the 8 most important mistakes you made during your divorce from a narcissist, and how you can avoid committing them yourself.
1. Don’t accept the narcissist’s version of history.
Even amicable divorces don’t bring out the best in people, and people often find themselves wondering if they know their spouse at all. However, narcissists misrepresent themselves from the beginning.
Although it is difficult to accept that the person you love may have been lying to you all along, it is important to go back and reconsider what you thought you knew about your spouse to adequately prepare for court.
2. Don’t trust their olive branches.
Narcissists need a constant supply of love and validation from their spouses. Once the relationship ends, you are no longer useful to them, and they will feel no obligation to treat you civilly, let alone kindly.
One of the narcissists’ favorite strategies is to express their mistakes in terms of “caring” about you or your children. Never forget that the only person a narcissist cares about is themselves.
3. Don’t get caught.
During my divorce, I was shocked when my ex lied in court about things I said. I soon learned not to talk to him anywhere other than in writing.
I informed him that I would no longer speak to him in person or on the phone. Although he tried to start conversations during drop-offs, I simply ignored him and focused on my kids, and eventually, he stopped trying.
Over time, I also realized that he was using email to lure me. I learned to only answer emails that were necessary, like logistical questions about vacation time or deadlines, and to keep them brief, firm, and as business-like as possible. Everything else went unanswered, no matter how inciting.
The best way to strip a narcissist of his power is not by arguing and feeding his toxic, dysfunctional cycles – but by refusing to engage at all.
4. Don’t fall into the trap of the narcissistic scenario.
Every narcissist has a pattern, if you look closely enough, which is generally a pattern of distraction. My ex’s response to every situation in our relationship where he was wrong was the same; Instead of discussing the issues I raised, he would turn the conversation into completely unrelated behavior.
It is very difficult to expose the narcissistic scenario, especially without accusing it of being a “big conflict.” If I had been less bothered by my ex’s diversionary tactics during our divorce, and realized that they were a logical escalation of his relationship patterns, I would have focused on reframing the real issues rather than constantly responding to his accusations.
Dismissing his out-of-control accusations would have removed their power (and his) and allowed me to focus my energies on the real issues instead.
Related: 7 Serious Signs Someone You Know Has Narcissistic Rage
5. Don’t expect the court to believe you – but make sure you have someone who does.
My ex admitted to me before we broke up that he was lying to me, manipulating me, reading my emails and diaries, and even engaging in emotional abuse. Suddenly, all the antics that made me crazy weren’t crazy at all, but rather pathological and purposeful targeting.
Because I was telling the truth, I naively expected the court system to believe me. I quickly learned that emotional abuse is largely non-existent in the courtroom and that the truth doesn’t matter much either.
Unfortunately, there is no silver bullet for a broken legal system.
However, what you can do to prevent re-victimization is to make sure that you are not looking for validation of your experiences from the court. Instead, it is essential to have a strong support system with a specific person (preferably one who has dealt with a narcissist) who can listen to you, hear you, validate your experience, and remind you that it is not your fault.
6. Don’t assume that the abuse ends with marriage.
One of the most frustrating things about divorcing a narcissist is that the abuse he inflicts on him leaves significant damage, but the divorce happens long before he heals.
Additionally, because most abusers intensify their abuse when their spouse tries to leave, the breakup is often the most traumatic part of the relationship. This can leave the abusive spouse reeling while the abuser remains calm and collected and methodically plans his every move. If the victim is not careful, it is easy to play directly into his hand.
It is important to realize that you are still being abused during the divorce, and as such, it is not possible to fully recover from the abuse.
When victims acknowledge that abuse is ongoing, it can help them refrain from making big decisions in their lives and instead focus on stabilizing everything from their finances to their emotions. This focus on establishing self-care routines and positive habits can heal the wounds until the divorce is over and more active healing can begin.
7. Don’t assume that all lawyers are equal.
One time, in the middle of a mediation session, my ex became angry over a procedural point and stopped the session while angry at his attorney. While we were waiting for my ex to calm down, my attorney and mediator kept asking me why I hadn’t told anyone about his screaming and anger issues.
The truth is, of course, that I have recounted his emotional abuse, his abuse of me and my children, and even his mental health history, to the attorney and the court, but it was all due to differences in our viewpoints. Only when they saw him in action did they begin to understand who he was.
I realized that although my attorney tried to understand my case, he simply never understood what we were dealing with, and we were always one step behind. An attorney who recognizes narcissists’ patterns and can avoid them is invaluable.
8. Do not expect a narcissist to co-parent with you.
Although the legal system may glorify co-parenting, the narcissist will take any attempts to co-parent and weaponize them. Instead of giving the narcissist power over you, keep your lives as separate as possible.
You don’t need to have joint birthday parties, celebrate holidays together, or even participate in activities jointly. Keep your boundaries clear and firm, and realize that your children will be best served by maintaining them.
Over time, I’ve learned that I can be the best parent I can be by accepting our reality and making sure my daughters feel supported, heard, loved, and validated when they’re with me. Their experience is far from ideal, but living the life we have is far better for all of us than spending it fighting in a courtroom.
Related: 9 Obvious Signs That You’re Dealing With A Narcissist
