After swearing that you would never fall in love with another narcissist, you have fallen in love with another narcissist…again. This pattern has repeated itself. Your new man is no different. Not real. He’s just a charming, charismatic, abusive, control-freak narcissist.
Many psychologists say that codependent people like us can walk into a room and instantly have amazing chemistry with the most hurt, frustrated, and abusive person in the room. No one seems to know why or how this happens. But it does! You know he does. You’ve tried it and so have I.
That’s why “Love at First Sight” scares me so relentlessly. For those of us who have been abused, “love at first sight” isn’t exciting, it’s scary.
but why? Because it feels like home.
“When he cried on my shoulder the night we met,” she said, “I felt at home.” This should have been her first clue to running like hell. Because playing the victim felt “normal.” His dysfunctional narcissism and dysfunctional dependence on others led to a marriage that went nowhere.
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One hundred percent of my friends who married narcissists realize too late that one or both of their parents were narcissists. They are set up to repeat the pattern. To walk up to the neediest, most abusive guy in the room and fall head over heels for him because he seemed normal. I felt like home.
And growing up in a narcissistic home gives you a very high pain threshold. You learn how to swallow insults, smile, and let the pain roll off like water off a duck’s back. You hardly realize that you have been insulted, disrespected, and hurt.
After years and years of this, you don’t even know what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Was it a loving tease or cruelty couched in humor? Was it constructive criticism or cult-like mind control? Was it concern for our safety or gaslighting that held us hostage? We don’t know. We never knew. Narcissistic abuse is our “nature.”
Once you break free from the narcissist, you will never go back. never! At least, unknowingly. However many of my friends have been in romantic relationships with multiple narcissists. Most of them have divorced at least one narcissistic spouse if not two or three.
They are desperate to have another romantic relationship. Lifelong isolation is less terrifying than repeating the cycle. However, the desire for love and romance burns strong.
So what should we do? Is it possible to find a non-narcissistic person, fall in love with them, and marry them when all you know is a narcissist?
#Here’s how not to marry a narcissistic fool:
1. Be careful with your chemistry.
If you have spine-tingling, knee-weakening chemistry with a man, run like hell. I’m serious. For those of us who have been hurt by narcissists and know exactly how to deal with them, the appeal of abusive men is strong. does not resist. It’s crazy, but it’s true.
To me, there is nothing sexier than a middle-aged alcoholic. So, if you’re looking for real, non-abusive, long-lasting love, ignore that damn chemistry. Instead, look for someone who feels “different.”
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2. Choose a man who feels “different.”
Having just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, I often wonder why and how our marriage has worked so well. When we said “I do,” I knew nothing about narcissism. By all accounts, I was incapable of marrying a narcissist.
But I knew one thing: My husband, Michael, felt different from my birth family. Different way.
It was quiet. They were like cats on a hot tin roof.
He was peaceful. They are angry.
It was non-judgmental. They were very judgmental.
It was quiet. They had their fingers in all aspects of my life.
It was nice. They were always accusing, lecturing, and controlling.
He felt different. I liked that.
3. Find someone who goes against the flow.
The “difference” that made me fall in love with Michael also gave me a massive guilt complex. I knew this man marched to the beat of his drum. He would not meekly agree with my oppressive, cult-like family. He had no intention of submitting to the family patriarch. He won’t change.
We got married very quickly, despite my family’s hesitant approval and grave doubts. Just as I was chronically codependent, I spent the next year telling my family what a wonderful husband Michael was. How nice he was to me. I try to convince them that I made the right decision (without their help!) and I try to retroactively earn their blessing.
Related: Dive Into The Mind Of A Distancer: The Partner Who Pulls Away
4. Be with someone who doesn’t criticize you.
I said Michael was nice to me. Honestly, I was amazed! He didn’t mess with me. He didn’t mess with me. He did not indulge in constructive criticism “for my own sake.” He had no say in my hair, makeup, or clothes. I didn’t care about my hole. I didn’t care where I went and constantly demanded to “check-in” by calling or texting. nothing.
This scared me until I realized that narcissists mess with other people. They call it “love”. it’s not. It’s abuse. Michael never messed with me, he just left me the hell alone. This was a different and confusing kind of laissez-faire love. I liked that.
5. Find solace in another victim.
Perhaps the biggest reason our hasty marriage worked so well is because we both came from abusive homes. Now, in many cases, this will be the recipe for a disastrous marriage. If both parties do not confront the abuse they suffered and work through the pain and anger, then yes, things will not work out. If both parties never decide to perpetuate the abuse…that’s a shame!
But on the other hand, if both parties are a little smart, there’s no reason why abuse survivors can’t get along like a house fire. I mean, it makes sense! They will understand each other’s idiosyncrasies, sensitivities, and defenses caused by abuse. Best of all, they will empathize with each other’s suffering and recovery process.
This is what makes our marriage work so well. We can put ourselves in each other’s emotional shoes. With a little use of memory and imagination, we have compassion for each other. Where one is weak and sad, the other is strong and compassionate. When I “stumble” and stall in the recovery process, Michael offers excellent advice. He supports me in treatment. I introduce him to the new concepts I’ve learned.
Of course, we have to monitor ourselves closely. Years before we met, we decided that we would never say or do the offensive things that were said or done to us. We guard each other’s hearts from pain. Yes, maybe we depend a little on each other.
Most importantly, we stick together no matter what. We are responsible for my husband’s health problems. We hold on to my emotional pain. We hold on to friends who come and go. Even when we feel frustrated by a (rare) failure in communication, we stick together, hug each other, and work through it together.
Just because you have had one, two, three, or more disastrous relationships with a narcissist, true love still exists. You may be hurt. They may get infected. But you will be strong together.
The most important thing in understanding how not to marry a narcissist is to realize that true love is out there, just waiting. Waiting for you to find it. I should know. I was there.
