As they say, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. This is part of the reason why family dynamics can be so difficult.
Even when you love each other, it doesn’t mean you will always love each other.
Fallouts, disagreements, and arguments are common in all types of families.
It’s easy to point fingers. But if you feel like conflict is haunting you, it’s time to think about whether you can fuel the problem.
Here are some signs that you are.
1) You are trying to change your family
On the surface, wanting to change your family for the better seems like a noble intention.
If we love them, why wouldn’t we want them to grow into better versions of themselves?!
But this mentality can quickly put you in a difficult situation.
The day I realized that I was not responsible for my family, the day my relationship with them changed for the better.
this means:
- Abandoning some of the things they were doing that I didn’t agree with
- Acknowledging that any suffering and struggles they created for themselves was their fault, not me
- Accepting their right to make their own choices, even ones that I don’t always think serve them
We can support our families as best we can. We can give them advice when they want it.
But it’s their life, and they get to dictate it (whether we agree or not).
Love never gives us the right to try to control. It leads to frustration and potential repercussions when we try.
Even when we have the best intentions, when we try to guide and direct our families, we may feel like we’re judging them.
2) You are my judge
If you are completely honest with yourself, deep down you will believe that you are better than them.
This feeling of superiority tends to crush empathy and compassion.
You may feel like:
- They are constantly wrong
- They keep making mistakes
- They are not as smart as you
- Their opinions and ideas are stupid
- Their lifestyle choices are misguided or downright stupid
Hey, you might be right. But the fact remains that no one wants to feel judged. It’s incredibly alienating.
It divides rather than unites. Any judgmental attitude can quickly turn into complaining, insulting, and negativity.
If you never give them the benefit of the doubt, you’re probably being too hard on them.
3) You refuse to cut anyone any slack
The unfortunate truth is that none of us are perfect.
We fall short all the time.
Most of us do the best we can with the tools we have. And it’s true that sometimes, that’s not good enough.
But it’s also humane.
Our parents didn’t get a clue. They mostly use what they have learned themselves, along with applying the personal experience they have gathered along the way.
Family members are bound to be spoiled. When we struggle to accept imperfection, we can have unrealistic expectations for our family.
If nothing short of flawed, you may unwittingly become an intolerant and demanding family member.
4) You are known as the “difficult” person in the family
Of course, being an outcast from your family doesn’t mean it’s your fault.
You may be the only fair person in a difficult dynamic.
But if everyone gets along with each other except you, it’s helpful to think about why.
Do they make you feel like an outsider or have you turned yourself into someone else?
Have you ever:
- Do you have tantrums?
- Giving people the silent treatment?
- Use hurtful words or language?
- Snap and lose your patience?
Sometimes we don’t realize all the ways our behavior affects the people we love.
It’s important to stay open to feedback, especially from the people who know us best. Be prepared to listen to their concerns.
Because if you feel strongly that they are 100% the problem, you are probably not fully acknowledging your role in the conflict.
5) You can’t see any ways you’re contributing to problems
In your mind, there’s really no debate about it. The problems in your family lie elsewhere and not with you.
This polarized way of dealing with things can mean that you simply don’t see your blind spots.
As they say, it takes two to tango.
The conflict is much the same. You can’t have a truly one-sided conflict as both parties need to be involved in it for it to escalate into a problem.
If you accept that you’re not always a perfect little angel, it’s a good sign that you at least know that. It indicates that you are taking responsibility for yourself.
But on the other hand, if you always feel like you’re the victim and that the responsibility lies with them, you’re probably not actively working on solutions.
Compromise is not on the table and stubbornness is drowning out.
6) You refuse to project past injustices
One way we can stand on our feet is by refusing to let bygones be bygones.
This does not mean that we will immediately overcome past traumas or wounds. They must be acknowledged, apologized for, and worked through.
But constantly pulling the past keeps you stuck in it.
Maybe reminding your sister every time you argue about that time in middle school when you kissed your boyfriend has nothing to do with your current conflict.
At some point, you need to move on.
You may create conflict if you cannot let go of grudges and focus on the future.
7) You have to be right
One reason you may find it difficult to let things go is the need to always be right.
Discussions and exchanges quickly descend into full-blown arguments because you don’t seem able to back down.
Even seemingly light-hearted occasions, like a family board game night, can take a turn for the worse when your competitive streak comes into play.
You often claim that this is the “important principle” but you never ask yourself whether sometimes it is better to be happy than to be right.
Feeling like “I won” becomes the main goal, and to hell with the consequences.
If this means feelings get hurt, then that’s the price you’re willing to pay for your pride.
8) You criticize, gossip about, or insult family members
Well, who among us has not felt a strange grudge against a loved one?
It can get on your nerves, and it’s understandable that we might need to vent from time to time.
It’s never perfect if we’re being honest. But if we indulge, there is a way to do it.
For example, it is never a good idea to gossip or speak poorly about one family member to another.
Sharing how we feel with a trusted outsider such as a friend or partner makes it less controversial.
If you stir things up at home, don’t be surprised if you shake up some arguments.
