Falling in love is a magical process in which things you never expected to happen begin to happen.

Feelings that you never knew existed are alive inside of you, and you want to express them to the person you love.

Even when your love leads to a relationship, that story doesn’t always have a happy ending.

Here are the signs that you’ve fallen in love with someone who’s not right for you, no matter how much you want them.

1) You can’t be yourself in front of them

Love is when you truly see someone and they truly see you, with all their faults and everything.

If you feel like you can’t do it, it means one of two things:

• Your love is one-sided or much more than yours;
• You are afraid to show yourself and have more work to do to accept and love yourself before you can enter into a relationship with this person.
• I know this is not what any of us want to hear when we have strong feelings for someone.

But if you’re willing to tell the truth about your past, the music you like, your political views, or your weird (and sometimes unattractive) flaws, this relationship will remain superficial and toxic.

2) They are always too busy for you

If you feel neglected in the relationship, it means that your partner is not including you the way he or she should be.

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When you bring this up with them, they may say you’re needy or cite reasons their busy schedules and lives keep them away from you.

This is a tough situation, because unless you’re really needy and clingy, it’s insulting to hear that you want so much attention.

Even if you’re in love, you deserve someone who makes time for you. A person who cannot or does not want to make time for you is not the right person for you.

It’s that simple, and sometimes it’s black and white too.

3) They are still focused on their ex

When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s still obsessed with their ex, it’s normal to feel confused and frustrated.

It may feel like they don’t care about you enough, or that they have a whole host of issues and longings that they’re separating from you.

This becomes especially toxic if they focus on their ex-partner in the victim role and constantly talk about how they were abused or assaulted.

Maybe they were! But dragging it into your relationship and then refusing to work on it with you is like pumping polluted waste into a pure river.

This is not love.

4) You feel miserable around them

Obviously we cannot always be happy in any relationship.

But if you find that you’re constantly unhappy around this person, it’s time to think about heading for the exit.

The truth is that some types of love are tinged with tragic sadness.

It is possible that you are with someone who is inescapably linked to a difficult time in your past…

Maybe you’re with someone you love dearly but they reflect an older, less emotionally intelligent version of yourself…

Whatever the reason, if your partner is triggering feelings of sadness and shame around you, this is not a love you should continue for.

5) There is no exchange

Relationships are always a two-way street.

There will never be a perfect 50-50 split:

You may be doing more of the heavy emotional lifting, while your partner is more practical and the breadwinner…

You may be better at planning for the future, while your partner is more fun-loving and able to live in the present…

But if there is no real exchange, you are with the wrong person.

If you’re putting all the work and all the investment into that love and your partner is just sitting there, it’s not going to work out.

Of course, this is something you need to talk to and clarify about.

But when you see that they are still unwilling to take steps for real change, it is time to pull the plug no matter how strongly you feel.

If they are truly ready to change and love you, they will change their ways.

6) You have completely different hobbies and interests

Would you fall in love with someone who is completely different from you in terms of what they like to do?

I strongly believe in the idea that opposites attract.

However, I believe this in the sense of personal opposites, not those with completely different activities and interests.

There has to be at least a little bit of overlap, otherwise you won’t be able to talk, let alone do things together.

When you find that you love someone but everything they care about and love to do is unimaginably foreign or boring to you, it’s sad to say, but it won’t work out.

7) You fight over silly things too much

Fights happen in every relationship, and fighting can never be worse for a partnership than the occasional fight.

But if you find yourself bickering over silly things often, that’s not a good sign.

This is usually a sign of bigger issues buried beneath the surface that one or both of you are suppressing.

Bring out those bigger frustrations if you can and try to get your partner to open up too.

One way or another, you’ll either have to face the dragon or get up and leave.

8) They leave you out of discussions about the future

Have you fallen in love with someone who leaves you out of all future discussions?
If you’re actually seriously dating them, it’s not their fault.

They are either:

This is not within you;
You have commitment issues.
If this is the first reason, then you are in a situation of unrequited love, which is a terrible situation (I speak from personal experience).

If it’s the second reason, then this is something you need to talk about with this person.

If they still aren’t willing to talk about it or feel terrible, realize that this person simply isn’t right for you.

A relationship has no legs, no matter how much you want it too.

you deserve more.

Love and Compatibility: The Harsh Truth
There are three levels at which we can fall in love:

Intellectually, emotionally and physically.

We are usually more in love on one level than another.

This is strong emotional affection, mental involvement, physical desire, and sometimes all three together. This is often unbalanced, but if the right maturity and commitment are present in the partners, it can build the relationship.

There is also what I refer to as a “white swan event,” which is the opposite of a black swan event.

white swan event

Unlike a black swan event where things happen unexpectedly leading to a breakdown or disaster, a white swan event is where things happen and you fall in love unexpectedly.

You love someone beyond any real reason you can point to: it feels spiritual, valued, and complete.

This is what poets talk about as “true love.”

I fully believe it is real, rare and meaningful.

However, sometimes true love is too beautiful for this world, and it takes true wealth and blessings to translate that love into a true life together.

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It does happen, but sometimes, even when you’re sure you’re in love and the other person is, your love has tragic flaws that render it unable to work in this life.

Love always exists between two poles: the ideal and the heart-pounding, soul-flaming obsession, and the rational, low-level attraction and affection.

Every time in a blue moon, the two line up and become true love, but it’s not something that can be expected or waited for.

Finding that relationship that is passionate but can also be successful can be a long journey and is what most of us experience. It will always work differently for each person.