You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
Yes, I know this probably isn’t the first time you’ve heard this phrase — ever since Jim Rohn said it, blog after blog has kept repeating the same thing, making us reevaluate our friendships.
But the fact that everyone says it like a mantra doesn’t mean it’s not true, too.
The people you surround yourself with are important. Often times, a good friend and a bad friend is the difference between your success in life.
Do not believe me?
Let’s make that clear. These are the nine signs you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people.
1) They don’t inspire you to reach your full potential
Peer pressure is an insanely powerful thing. If everyone in your friend group is studying hard to ace their exams, you’ll probably join them because you want to follow along.
No one wants to be the odd one out.
Unfortunately, the same logic works in reverse as well. If you are surrounded by people who slack off in life, never try to reach any goals, and make fun of your ambitions, you will likely give up on your dreams simply because you will want to fit in.
Maybe I don’t have to tell you that would be a terrible shame.
You deserve friends who motivate you to do better and who support you. Not every one of your friends needs to be a successful productivity machine who leads by example, but each of them should support you in reaching your full potential regardless of their individual circumstances.
Friendship is about lifting each other up, not tearing each other down.
2) You feel embarrassed because you are excited about something
Taylor Swift once said, “The worst kind of person is someone who makes someone feel bad, stupid, or stupid because they are passionate about something.”
I can’t accept more. Excitement is an amazing emotion that radiates from us, making us laugh, jump, scream, you name it. As a result, our behavior can become a little ridiculous – but it is precisely in those moments of absurdity that your true comfort and authenticity shine.
If your enthusiasm is met with judgment or disinterest, it’s like dousing yourself in ice water. I hate that. 3) You’re not comfortable being your true self around them
A friend is not someone who makes you feel less lonely. He’s someone you chose to be in your life for a reason.
If that reason isn’t the real connection that feels good to you, it may be time to take a step back and clarify why you were friends in the first place.
Do you always feel like you have to pretend when you’re around them? Do you pass your words through a filter, showing your friends only the watered-down version of the real you?
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is a big sign that you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people. True friendships are built on honesty and trust, not on pretense.
4) You’re just hanging out for convenience
Likewise, friendships should serve a purpose. I’m not saying that every friend is a means to an end, of course. This is the exact opposite of what constitutes a real connection.
But I say that comfort alone does not make a strong bond.
I had a friend who I hung out with a lot. We had long, interesting discussions, enjoyed spending time together, and felt inspired by each other’s personality traits.
What’s more, it points to a much deeper issue, which is the fact that…
But we also lived together, so our interactions were very easy. It was okay to chat in the kitchen, walk to college together, or go on the occasional grocery trip.
But the moment I asked her for a small favor, my friendship was shattered. She refused to go the extra mile almost 100% of the time, even when it was a minor inconvenience to her and a huge help to me.
That was when I realized that our friendship wasn’t built on any solid foundations. There was no commitment on her part. There is no sense of loyalty. There was relief, and that was all.
The moment she walked out, we stopped talking altogether. The friendship wasn’t right, and we knew it.
5) Friendship feels like a business deal
Another of my ex-boyfriends was much more committed — so much so that our friendship bordered on a strangely platonic partnership.
You went above and beyond for me. You have helped me with so many things that I could not count if I tried. And I’ve always tried my best to do my share, put just as much effort into the friendship, and make sure the connection flourishes.
But it was simply never enough. Every time my friend did something for me, it was as if he was filing it away for future use – “I did X and Y for you, you can’t be mad at me” – which left a bad taste in my mouth.
Often times, friendship was more like a business transaction than a true relationship born of pure love. If you do X, I expect you will do Z. If you do Y four times, you should only do it twice in return.
Inevitably, our relationship broke down.
6) You’re friends for old time’s sake
Both the friends I mentioned above were from my hometown. A large part of our friendship was built on the fact that we had known each other for many years, went to the same high school together, and had memories that we could laugh about for hours on end.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have lifelong friends who know all the past versions of you. My best friend is like this, and it’s the best feeling ever.
But if your date is the only reason you haven’t left the friendship yet… it’s important to realize that sometimes, dating simply isn’t enough.
The friendships I had were not good for me. They weren’t rooted in true love but habit, which meant I let a lot of toxicity bother me for much longer than I should have.
Old times are a thing of the past. It won’t help you maintain your friendships in the present. Look at the person standing in front of you now. This is the friend you have.
7) You are attached to negativity
I’ve talked a lot about bonding through true love in this article, and for good reason – anything else is not strong enough to withstand the tides of time and the inevitable conflicts it will bring.
Especially if the only thing holding you together is negativity.
Do you always complain so much when you’re together that the world suddenly turns a shade of grey? Do you gossip about others for hours on end because you have nothing else to talk about? Do you relate to how much you hate something but rarely talk about the things you love?
It seems to me like a friendship built on negativity. Not only is such a connection unlikely to continue, it also means that…
8) You distance yourself from every interaction and feel drained
When I hang out with my best friend for a few hours and then go home, I feel amazing. Not only am I filled with all the stories he told me and all the positive energy we shared together, but I also feel clean and good.
In that moment, I know that our interaction was exactly what I needed to feel complete and understood.
Unfortunately, not all friends are like that. Sometimes, you disengage and feel so drained that you avoid socializing for the next week. Sometimes, you get so used to being tired that you may not even realize that your friend is the culprit.
Remember that not all social interactions are for you. Some people are perfectly fine, yet there’s still something missing between you, and that’s okay.
If you don’t feel satisfied and heard after spending time with your friends, they may be the wrong people to surround yourself with.
9) You tend to complain about them a lot
One last thing I’ve noticed when it comes to low-quality friendships is that the way you talk to your other friends matters.
For example, I never complain about my best friend to anyone. Even if we disagree on some issues, we resolve them very quickly and move on. I never said a bad word about her – not on principle but simply because I never had anything bad to say.
On the other hand, some of my friendships that went sour…that was a whole whole story. I could spend hours venting to others because I felt frustrated, confused, and angry.
So, my last question for you is: How often do you complain about your friends? If your answer is along the lines of “oops” or “oh so much,” this may be a sign that you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people.
