You’ve heard it before: Communication is key.

But that is much easier said than done. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what people really want to say from their words alone.

For example, some common phrases may seem completely harmless, but if you look deeper, they are actually very judgmental.

They are commonly used by passive-aggressive people or those who rely on the implied meaning rather than the literal meaning of the phrase.

This article lists 7 phrases that seem harmless but are actually loaded with judgment so you can better judge how a person feels about you.

1) “No crime…”

This phrase is often followed by the word “but.”

My grandfather once told me that people often don’t mean the words that come before “but.” In fact, they only mean what is said after the “but.”

And nothing embodies this adage more than “no crime.”

By proactively stating “no offense,” people are essentially denying you your right to feel offended — even if they say something offensive.

In my opinion, they are too lazy to find the right words to express their feelings in a more respectful, caring and empathetic way.

And you know what? You’ve probably used this phrase before too! I know I have.

So, next time you find yourself about to use this phrase, step back and double-check your intentions directly.

Is your feedback solicited or welcome?
Is it necessary or helpful?
Are you saying it in a way that is constructive and empathetic?

And you know what?

This applies to almost all of the phrases on this list because we’ve all said it at least a few times before.

2) “Go ahead…”

It really means: “You better never do that again. Ever.”

Or “Next time, do as I say.”

To explain further, it is actually used to hide the problem.

Instead of discussing the problem directly, the person uses this phrase to avoid doing so.

By focusing on the future, they don’t have to explain why they have a problem with what you did. They also deprive you of your right to respond, apologize, or explain your position.

They are effectively demanding final say on matters rather than trying to reach an agreement or compromise on the issue.

3) “Do what you want”

Well, this phrase can be quite benign when used in a friendly situation.

“What hair color should I get?”

“Do whatever you want! I think anything works for you.”

Something like this. In this case, it is used quite supportively.

But if used in an argument?

When someone uses this phrase in a heated moment, they are probably asking you to do what they want you to do…

Do what you want!… Because I’ve given up trying to make you do it.

They’re basically throwing their hands in the air and making fun of your freedom to do anything at the same time.

In fact, they may even resent you for doing exactly what you want.

I still remember when my parents used this phrase against me when I told them that I studied a different university major than what they wanted.

There can be a lot of emotion in this phrase! So be careful if you want to use it too!

4) “You are too sensitive…”

Honestly, this attack is probably more of a direct attack than passive aggressive.

Many people don’t think this is offensive when it actually is.

By telling you that you are too sensitive, someone is essentially invalidating your feelings. They tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t feel the way you feel.

In fact, people often use it to rid themselves of any accountability after doing or saying something wrong.

Then, when you tell them how hurt they’ve been, they’ll tell you that you’re too sensitive or too emotional to avoid having to acknowledge their mistakes and apologize.

Very annoying!

5) “You seem to have understood everything”

This is usually used when communicating with an old acquaintance or friend.

It’s often used right after you’ve told them how you’re doing in life, which might include sharing any achievements or improvements you’ve made since you last met.

When they use this phrase, they are trying to undermine your life choices or successes.

Why? Well, they may be bitter or jealous.

It’s a way for them to hide – and even shift – their insecurities onto you.

But it can also relate to current events.

For example, right after a business meeting in which I proposed a project that our bosses liked, my colleague told me this exact phrase.

A lot of people will think this is a compliment (I know I did), but notice how people say it.

Their tone of voice can reveal their true intentions.

6) “I mean, if you like it…”

Another phrase that really depends on tone of voice is used by people who are not completely satisfied with other people’s choices.

On the one hand, if said in a friendly way, it may be a way to indicate that even though they wouldn’t do the same, they respect your choice.

But if someone says it in an angry voice, for example, it hits differently, doesn’t it?

To be honest, I think it’s better to say it directly: “It’s not something I would do myself, but if you’re happy with it, I’m happy you’re happy.”

7) “It’s just a joke”

I admit that I am quite guilty of using this phrase as an excuse to hurt someone else’s feelings.

Sure, it can be very difficult to draw the line between mild teasing and hitting someone else’s really sensitive spots.

And sometimes, we don’t even mean to hurt someone! Sometimes, we only realize we’ve gone too far after the action.

In these cases, we should refrain from using this phrase.

Like the other entries on this list, it effectively revokes someone’s right to feel what they feel. It’s also a way for us to avoid accountability and apology.

But what’s worse is when one uses it in a deliberate way. When they use the phrase “it’s just a joke” or “I’m just kidding” in this way, they really mean to hurt you and make fun of you.

Traits of passive-aggressive people

Passive-aggressive people typically have traits that include, but are not limited to:

Inconsistent communications

Their words, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions do not match.

A common example is when they say: “Thank you!” As they roll their eyes and walk away. They are clearly not thankful for everything they have done.

They use the “silent treatment”

Sometimes, saying nothing at all says a lot.

With the silent treatment, they want you to know they’re upset, but they don’t want to explicitly confirm that they’re actually angry.

By doing this, they can pretend that nothing is wrong, all while you figure out how to solve the problem yourself.

Disruptive trends
A passive aggressive person’s attitude is not limited to his words. Their actions can be passive aggressive as well.

For example, they might offer to help you set up your party, but they’ll secretly do things like give people the wrong address or pretend to “forgot” to invite some of your other friends.

Frowning, puffing, sighing, crossing arms, etc.

A passive-aggressive person will rely heavily on nonverbal communication. They may sigh, shake their heads, frown, roll their eyes, or do other things to indicate disappointment while never talking to you about it.

How to communicate in a healthier way

Do you think you have actually been passive aggressive in the past?

Honestly, I think most of us have, at least in some ways and some of the time.

It’s a very common behavior. After all, sometimes we feel like it’s too difficult to explain ourselves in depth, so we resort to quick, passive-aggressive responses.

Here are some tips to help you reduce passive aggressive behavior.

1) Assume people have good intentions.

Often times, we tend to act passive-aggressive in response to what we perceive to be passive-aggressive behavior from other people

Often, it’s best to assume they’re real. Either way, even if they are passive aggressive, being passive aggressive will only escalate the tension.

If you’re not sure, ask them directly if they’re upset or passive-aggressive.

2) Openness to confrontation and difficult conversations.

People often resort to passive aggression because they want to avoid confrontations and difficult conversations. It’s basically a way of sweeping problems under the rug.

The truth is that confrontations are a difficult but necessary part of maintaining healthy relationships.

While confrontations also have a negative reputation, it is entirely possible for them to be conducted in a respectful and compassionate manner.

3) Avoid ghosting or the silent treatment

Not responding to anyone closes the door to any possible reconciliation. If you need some time alone to think things through before you can respond, let them know.

This actually applies to both face-to-face and online interactions!

4) Understand that you have the right to be angry

Anger is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, things happen that justify, or even necessitate, anger. For example, when you are subjected to serious injustice.

You have the right to express this anger (in a harmless way, of course). Being passive aggressive is equivalent to repressing that anger, which makes you feel worse in the long run.

5) Realize that you need to change.

You can’t change if you don’t accept that you actually need to change!

Realize that the “passive” part of passive aggression does not make the aggressive part less aggressive. Most importantly, you should know that continuing to act this way will only gradually deteriorate your relationships.

bottom line

If you have been passive-aggressive in the past, don’t worry too much. We’ve all done it!

We just need to move forward with our communication habits more intentionally. We have to keep in mind that passive aggressiveness only reinforces tension and resentment.

Overall, we need to strengthen our communication muscles. We need to find a better vocabulary to stop using these phrases. We also need to find better ways to phrase things so we can have the difficult conversations we need to have.

No more hiding under passive aggression!

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