Remember the classic song “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics?
If this isn’t a warning about manipulative people, I don’t know what is!
As they point out, there are definitely people who are interested in manipulating you. They can be users or people, such as dependents, who want to be used.
But how do you know when people are out to scheme and control you, and when they are being honest?
It turns out there are at least 10 ways to recognize manipulative behavior immediately so you can protect yourself from being taken advantage of and getting hurt.
Here are some of those clues.
1) You feel bombarded by love.
Who doesn’t like surprises?
Who doesn’t like to feel special and loved?
While this may be a normal pattern in some relationships, in others, it only comes at certain times.
Suddenly, one partner may start surprising the other and giving them lots of gifts and lots of attention, especially to an unusual level.
Manipulators often do this to distract their partners and take the focus away from anything inappropriate they may be doing.
The classic example is when a man suddenly buys his wife a new car or beautiful jewelry. She’s happy, and he’s covering up the fact that he has a mistress.
Love bombing is also used to make someone fall in love with you early in a relationship, so that when things go wrong later on, the love bomber can always point out how much they love the other person.
2) Your boundaries seem to be challenged or ignored.
Your personal limits determine what you can and cannot tolerate.
In every relationship, partners sometimes conflict with these boundaries, and this is completely normal. We need to know where our partners’ boundaries lie.
But when this keeps happening or worse, boundaries are repeatedly crossed, and we may feel as if the other person doesn’t really respect us.
Manipulators often pay and pay more. They don’t care about your boundaries, they only care about what they want.
So, the negative feelings you get from having your boundaries challenged or ignored often become a good way to recognize manipulative behavior.
3) You are gaslighted.
Gaslighting is the manipulator’s favorite tool.
This type of manipulation constantly denies your version of the truth and imposes the other person’s version on you.
They attack your reality – “You’re crazy.”
They even deny your emotional explanations – “Obviously I was only joking when I said that!”
If someone is constantly telling you that your version of reality is not accurate, it’s not hard to realize that they are trying to manipulate you.
4) What they say and what they do do not match.
Manipulators lie – that’s manipulation 101.
A person who regularly plans one thing and does another will tell you, even the exact opposite of what he promised.
Imagine a colleague asking you to cover his shift while promising to return the favor. Instead of fulfilling their end of the bargain, they instead ask you for the same favor over and over again, never reciprocating.
Or, in a relationship, your partner may tell you that they never talk to their ex, but instead, you find out that they talk all the time. They don’t just lie; They completely hide their behavior and hope that you will trust them.
It’s immediately clear that they are trying to use your kindness and manipulate you into doing things for them.
5) You feel pressure.
Manipulators like to use time pressure to amplify the sense of urgency surrounding actions and tasks.
I once had a boss who did this constantly, at least until it blew up in his face.
The project will be requested to be delivered within four days. Then he comes back and says it was supposed to be three of them. But then he would say that he was under a lot of pressure to get things done, and he needed to get the work done in two days.
He was constantly doing this to everyone on the team, but was finally discovered when his boss praised him in front of everyone for getting the work done so quickly without being asked.
We all realized he was manipulating us to better our asses just so he could score points with management.
6) They turn defense into attack.
Turning the tables and flipping the script are favorite tactics of the master manipulator.
One thing manipulative people do well is fend off what they perceive as an attack using the idea that attack is the best defense.
Imagine that your partner has been coming home late without any explanation a lot lately. When you confront them about it and ask for an explanation, they turn things around and make it about you.
They call you insecure and say you are trying to interfere in their lives and control them.
However, they are actually turning things around to make you feel bad and take the pressure off of themselves.
All you can do in this type of situation is stick to your guns.
You have to confront this attempt to turn things around and make them give you direct answers.
7) You feel collected.
Smart manipulators know that there is strength in numbers, so they try to increase their power while decreasing yours.
Here’s what I mean:
They say things like, “I’ve heard a lot of people say that about you,” or “Everyone feels the same way,” to make it seem like their point of view has widespread support.
At the same time, they will tell you that you are on your own with statements like: “You’re the only one who disagrees with this” and “No one else is against this.”
But it is easy to test whether this is true or just manipulation.
When people point to others for support, ask for clear sources. Test them to see if these people are real or just made up to influence you.
8) They change the rules and move the goalposts.
This is deceptive and dishonest behavior because it gets your hopes up, then crushes them over and over again.
I saw a movie the other day that used this technique.
There is a professional killer who wants to get out of the financial world. “One more job, and you’re out of commission,” his therapist tells him, but when he completes that job, there’s always another one waiting for him.
We’ve all seen this classic movie, but we often don’t realize the more subtle ways a manipulator uses the same tactic in our lives.
Your boss may promise you a lighter workload after you finish that difficult project, but after that comes more work.
One partner may ask to share finances 50/50, but then keeps finding items in your spending that don’t account for them so they don’t have to help with those costs.
No matter how you use it, it is a great manipulation tactic and one that you should really pay attention to.
9) They threaten you with emotional blackmail.
This happens a lot in relationships.
A manipulative partner may threaten to leave you or reveal confidential information about you if you don’t do what he or she tells you.
If you are afraid of being abandoned or if you have secrets that you definitely don’t want to reveal (and who doesn’t!?), this can be a very effective tactic to control you. It’s deceptive and manipulative, but it’s also very clear and transparent that they have to pose a real threat.
That’s why you can immediately recognize this manipulative behavior and realize that the other person does not have your best interest in mind.
10) You are ignored or treated in silence.
The silent treatment is more than just a passive-aggressive way to show your anger toward someone.
It can also be used as a tactic to manipulate others.
It works like this.
You try to communicate, and they ignore you. This takes away power from you while giving them a sort of advantage because they know what you’re thinking, but you don’t know the opposite.
Imagine this in a work environment.
You can send a colleague a request for information, telling them why you need it and what it will be used for. They don’t reply.
In this example, they now know that you need something from them, why you need it, and that it is important. For a manipulative person, it seems like they have some power over you, some influence that they can use to get you to do what they want.
Conclusion
Manipulators think they are smart enough to get you to do what they want.
But if you can see these 10 ways to recognize manipulative behavior right away, you can catch him red-handed and realize the truth.
They are beyond themselves and will happily use you to get what they want.
But now, as they say, the jig is up!
