Building a satisfying relationship takes work.
Although it is necessary to focus on the major issues, paying attention to the little things can also help you gauge the potential of your partnership.
What can seem like insignificant red flags eventually escalate, eroding trust.
Soon you wake up wondering where things went wrong, and whether you can do anything about it.
Here are 6 seemingly minor things you should never tolerate in a relationship.
They may seem small, but they speak volumes.
1) Canceled plans and chronic delays
If your partner is constantly canceling plans or showing up late, I highly suggest you address the issue as soon as possible.
It’s a sign of disrespect.
Your partner is not considerate of your time. Tolerating this simple habit will make you feel resentful.
There’s a recurring joke in sitcoms where the husband waits for his wife to get ready, and she never makes it out the door as quickly as he wants.
This might be laughable on TV, but it’s extremely frustrating in real life.
I’m not talking about cases that happen once or twice.
I’m talking about when you notice a pattern:
- Your partner constantly keeps you waiting at your designated meeting place
- Your partner cancels plans without giving you enough notice
- Your partner cancels plans without giving you a good enough reason (not feeling it anymore isn’t a good enough reason)
- You are constantly experiencing disappointment
- Her lateness and moodiness negatively affects the quality of time you spend together
Chronic lateness and frequent cancellations may indicate underlying issues such as a lack of interest or problems within the relationship.
Whatever the case may be, it is highly recommended to talk things through.
Which takes me to my next point.
2) Procrastination in serious discussions
Does your partner avoid serious conversations?
They may not be as committed to you as you would like.
Tolerating a lack of communication, even in seemingly trivial matters, creates a rift over time.
You probably know this, but you continue to believe them when they put off conversations.
Your partner is too tired, too stressed, and too exhausted to engage in a serious discussion.
No problem. You can talk about what’s bothering you tomorrow.
But tomorrow comes, and your friend still doesn’t want to have a conversation.
So you tell yourself it can wait until the weekend.
When the weekend comes, your partner has another excuse ready, so you agree to postpone again.
Whatever the case may be, it is highly recommended to talk things through.
Which takes me to my next point.
2) Procrastination in serious discussions
Does your partner avoid serious conversations?
They may not be as committed to you as you would like.
Tolerating a lack of communication, even in seemingly trivial matters, creates a rift over time.
You probably know this, but you continue to believe them when they put off conversations.
Your partner is too tired, too stressed, and too exhausted to engage in a serious discussion.
No problem. You can talk about what’s bothering you tomorrow.
But tomorrow comes, and your friend still doesn’t want to have a conversation.
So you tell yourself it can wait until the weekend.
When the weekend comes, your partner has another excuse ready, so you agree to postpone again.
Before you knew it, three months had passed.
And the thing that was bothering you?
You still haven’t found the right moment to talk things out.
3) Ignoring boundaries (no matter how small)
I’m an introvert and crave some alone time to recharge my batteries.
The right people don’t drain my social battery. But even when I’m around them, I still need a few minutes to myself every now and then.
Fortunately, all my friends respected this and didn’t get upset at all (I hope?) when I told them I was going to sit in another room for a bit, alone.
They may not have understood it, but they let me.
Everyone has boundaries, and if your partner doesn’t respect them, it’s a cause for concern.
As with all things on the list, it’s probably so small that you feel silly handling it:
Your partner initiates physical contact (e.g., hugging and kissing) after you tell them you need some personal space (but they’re so nice!)
Your partner is making plans for you without consulting you, even though you’ve told him it’s making you both anxious (but they’re trying to push me out of my comfort zone!)
Your partner casually shares details of your personal experiences with others after you tell them you want to keep some things private (but they’re talking about you, that’s nice!)
Your partner repeatedly asks for access to your phone — to order food or quickly check something — after you tell him it makes you uncomfortable (but that shows we don’t have any secrets!)
As you can see, it is easy to justify their behavior and make excuses.
It’s also not the healthiest approach.
This will be to remind them of your boundaries.
4) Criticism in bad faith
Partners are supposed to help each other grow, which usually involves providing constructive feedback.
The key word there is constructive.
If these comments become harmful, stand up for yourself.
While constructive criticism aims to offer suggestions for improvement in a supportive way, bad faith criticism belittles or undermines the other person:
It targets your personality, personality, or identity rather than focusing on specific behaviors
It often involves distorting or manipulating facts to exaggerate negative aspects
Your partner shows little or no interest in how his or her words affect your feelings
Bad-intentioned criticism can be used as a tool to manipulate or control a relationship, because it negatively impacts your self-worth.
Let’s say your partner is unhappy with how you two share household responsibilities.
In the context of constructive criticism, they might say something like: “I feel like the division of household chores is unbalanced, and I feel overwhelmed by my share. Can we talk about how we can adjust things to make them more equitable?”
However, ill-intentioned criticism might sound something like this: “You never do anything around the house, and I always have to clean up after you, and it’s exhausting. I can’t believe you’re so lazy.”
Notice the difference?
Pay attention to the tone, language used, and purpose of the statement.
If your friend is looking for solutions, great!
If they’re attacking you and belittling you, don’t just sit there and take it, telling yourself they need to let off some steam.
Stand your ground.
5) Sarcasm
In the same vein, sarcasm is not something you should put up with, especially if it causes you emotional damage.
Gentle teasing is one thing, but your feelings get hurt when the banter turns from playful to spiteful.
Tell your partner about it.
Over time, harsh feedback makes you doubt your worth and abilities, leading to a diminished sense of self.
Even when it was supposed to be funny.
You will trust your partner less and may start putting up walls and acting like someone you’re not to avoid becoming a target.
Things will only go downhill from there.
Start by expressing your feelings to your partner in a calm and honest way.
Next, share specific instances when their teasing hurt you and ask them to tone it down.
If they care about you, they will get the message.
6) The silent treatment
Another seemingly minor thing that you should never tolerate in a relationship is the silent treatment.
Well, any form of withholding affection, but the silent treatment is the most common.
I don’t know about you, but I have witnessed many instances when a couple wouldn’t talk to each other because they were upset.
At some point, I registered this as a regular thing. For a long time, it didn’t seem to matter if a partner refused to talk to me for a period of time when they were angry.
However, the silent treatment creates a complete breakdown in communication, leaving you feeling isolated and stressed.
It can also be used as a form of emotional manipulation. For example, if your partner refuses to talk to you until you fulfill his or her desires.
Your partner has the right to ask for a time out if he or she is angry or has things to think about, but they should be honest about it.
Suddenly stopping all communication is a big no-no.
Contact them.
If the silent treatment becomes a recurring pattern, friends will start using the word “dysfunctional” when asked to describe you and your friend.
