You just need a combination of chemistry and good timing to ignite a relationship.

But when it comes to making it last, the equation gets much more complicated.

Each partner brings their own emotional baggage to the mix.

When the road gets tough, it’s often because of that baggage that causes one of you to act in an undesirable way.

But while it’s tempting (and convenient) to blame your significant other for always screwing things up, there’s a chance you can share some of the blame, too.

If you exhibit these six behaviors, you are the toxic person in your relationship.

Taking responsibility for your harmful tendencies is the first step toward personal growth.

1) You demand to know where your partner is at all times
When I’m dating someone who wants to know my whereabouts 24/7, I think of Ross and Emily from Friends.

Do you remember their breakup scene?

If you’re not familiar with the show, Ross does something so stupid that Emily doesn’t trust him.

She compensates by trying to control every aspect of his life from a distance, and admits that she will be more in control when they are finally in the same room.

It’s the moment they both understand that it’s over.

You can’t make a relationship successful if you don’t trust your friend.

Sure, you probably want to know where they are at all times, what they do, and who they hang out with because you’ve been burned in the past.

An ex cheated on you or broke your trust in a major way, and you are trying to protect yourself.

But not all people are the same. History must not repeat itself.

Most importantly, your partner needs space to be themselves.

If you can’t give them that, you can’t exactly blame them if they decide to break free.

2) She uses subtle manipulation methods to get what she wants
When you resort to manipulation to get what you want, you are the toxic person in your relationship.

Instead of being open and honest about how you feel, it is better to label your behavior as suspicious:

You feel guilty with your partner when he does something you don’t approve of
You only share partial truths to control the narrative and gain the upper hand
You withhold affection in an attempt to convince your partner to give in to your demands
You repeatedly portray yourself as a victim to gain your partner’s sympathy and persuade him to do things your way
Uses emotional threats to get what you want (for example, “I will leave you if you don’t do this” or “My life will be over if we break up”)
These tactics do not build a positive and respectful relationship.

In fact, they have the opposite effect.

3) You are passive aggressive
Passive-aggressive behavior undermines effective communication. That makes it toxic in my book.

If you choose to express your feelings only indirectly, you create a hostile space instead of a safe space where you and your partner can be your authentic selves.

Passive-aggressive statements lead to misunderstandings, unaddressed issues, and emotional distance.

Additionally, by not expressing your concerns and emotions directly, you increase resentment over time.

This is unfair to your partner, whom you cannot blame for not understanding what they did wrong.

I used to be guilty of this because I enjoy healing from people.

I wanted to keep peace in the relationship and not cause trouble, so I convinced myself that my occasional anger or disappointment with my boyfriend would resolve itself.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t happen. Negative emotions were simmering beneath the surface and emerging at inopportune times.

Don’t follow my steps.

Now, I try to be as open as possible, even if it leads to an uncomfortable conversation or a fight.

I’m a work in progress, but at least I’m moving in the right direction.

4) You convince yourself that things will get worse
Speaking of it being a work in progress, anticipating something going wrong was another thing I struggled with in the past.

Somewhere along the line, I internalized the belief that I was unlucky in love.

Whenever I was dating someone new, I would spend the entire honeymoon phase waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It didn’t matter how well things went; I was sure there was an obstacle around the corner.

So much so that I would often end up engaging in a bit of self-sabotage to prove myself right.

See, believing that something will go wrong can influence your behaviors and actions, inadvertently leading to the very outcomes you fear will happen.

For example, past experiences make you fear that your partner will be emotionally distant and will not fully understand or support you.

Just in case, you are cautious and hesitant to express yourself fully.

Your partner, sensing your hesitation, becomes more reserved in their interactions with you and less likely to delve deeper than the surface, perhaps for fear of pushing you away.

You interpret their hesitation as emotional unavailability.

In other words, the initial fear becomes reality. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will.

Breaking this cycle requires open communication, vulnerability, and a willingness on your part to challenge your negative outlook.

Are you up for it?

5) You have unrealistic expectations
No relationship is perfect, and no human being can meet all your needs.

Expecting your partner to do this sets you both up for failure and can cause you to act in toxic ways:

• You pressure your partner to meet impossible standards, so they never feel valued or accepted for who they are
• If you think your partner should inherently understand your needs without explicit communication, you are giving them the short end of the stick
• Focusing on what you think you are lacking means that you do not appreciate the positive qualities and efforts of your partner
• Your partner may feel stifled or restricted by pressure to conform to an unrealistic standard, preventing them from exploring their potential
• If your partner feels like he or she is letting you down, it becomes difficult for them to open up and establish a deep emotional connection.
• Your partner will make mistakes. They won’t be able to read your mind. They will not agree with you on everything.

Accepting differences and respecting individual opinions is key if you want your relationship to develop.

On the other hand, scowling every time your partner fails to meet whatever impossible standards you set for them will get you nowhere.

6) Do not take responsibility for your mistakes
Speaking of mistakes, your partner isn’t the only one who makes mistakes sometimes.

You’re probably guilty of making critical mistakes, too.

If you refuse to take responsibility for them, I hate to break it to you, but you are the toxic person in the couple.

Accountability is essential to building and maintaining trust.

(And as we explained earlier in #1, you can’t have a healthy relationship without it.)

When you evade responsibility, you put up a communication barrier, making it difficult for your friend to address issues constructively.

Furthermore, by denying that you made a mistake or shifting blame, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to learn from it.

You are depriving your partner of the opportunity to forgive you.

And you deprive you of the opportunity to get closer.

So many missed opportunities!

A real shame.

minimum

If you identify with some of the above points, it is never too late to make positive changes.

We all have red flags, but not all of us are willing to work on improving our behavior.

Instead, we repeat the same mistakes, sabotaging relationships before they have a chance to flourish.

It is time to break this pattern.