Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers likely experienced childhoods of emotional neglect, manipulation, and criticism. Growing up with a narcissistic parent leaves deep-rooted emotional scars that affect their self-esteem and relationships with others.
The narcissistic mother is usually very critical or demanding. She is also unable to provide unconditional love or validation, and is often jealous of her daughter’s relationships or accomplishments.
It is important to understand the ways in which a narcissistic mother can impact her adult daughter’s life so that they can begin to heal and move forward with their lives with confidence.
Characteristics of a narcissistic mother
Narcissistic mothers are difficult to deal with, and their behavior often leaves those around them feeling emotionally drained and confused.
Below is a list of the most common characteristics of a narcissistic mother:
Control: imposing limits and restrictions
Narcissistic mothers have an intense desire for control, and their influence extends into every aspect of their daughters’ lives.
They micromanage with enthusiasm, leaving no room for independence or autonomy.
From career choices to personal relationships, these mothers dictate their daughters’ every move, stifling their ability to make decisions for themselves.
This controlling behavior can lead to feelings of suffocation and an inability to develop a strong sense of self.
Lack of empathy: emotional detachment and indifference
One of the most prominent characteristics of a narcissistic mother is her constant lack of empathy for her daughter’s feelings and experiences.
She remains emotionally detached, displaying a cold and indifferent attitude.
Whether her daughter is going through a difficult time or celebrating an accomplishment, the narcissistic mother fails to provide comfort, support, or shared joy.
This emotional neglect can be extremely damaging, leaving the daughter feeling insignificant and invalid.
Self-centeredness: selfishness and self-prioritization
Narcissistic mothers prioritize their own needs above all else, including those of their daughters.
Their sole focus is on maintaining their self-image and fulfilling their desires, often at the expense of their children’s well-being.
When confronted with their selfish behavior, they react with anger and manipulation, trying to regain control and divert attention away from their selfish actions.
This constant selfishness creates an unhealthy dynamic, where the daughter’s needs are constantly ignored.
Extremely judgmental: relentless criticism and harsh judgments
Narcissistic mothers have an insatiable need to criticize and pass harsh judgments on their children.
Regardless of their daughters’ accomplishments or efforts, these mothers find flaws and imperfections to diminish and undermine their self-esteem.
The constant barrage of negativity makes the daughter feel unworthy, strive for unattainable perfection, and be afraid to express her true self.
This highly judgmental behavior perpetuates a toxic cycle of self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Takes no responsibility: blame shifting and denial
The hallmark of narcissistic mothers is their refusal to take responsibility for their actions or admit their mistakes.
Instead of admitting fault, they engage in blame-sharing tactics to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing.
They blame others, including their daughters, creating a distorted reality where they are always the victim.
This denial of responsibility prevents any opportunity for growth, resolution, or healthy communication within the mother-daughter relationship.
How do narcissistic mothers deal with their daughters when they are young?
Childhood can be a confusing and difficult experience for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
These toxic mothers tend to believe that the world revolves around them, and often leave their children feeling unheard, unseen, and neglected.
The following list highlights how narcissistic mothers deal with their daughters during their childhood years.
Set unrealistic expectations. Narcissistic mothers often place unreasonable expectations on their daughters.
They expect them to achieve goals that go beyond what is realistic for a child or young adult.
Love is always conditional. A narcissistic mother’s love is conditional and often depends on how much her daughter reflects the image of the mother.
Constant criticism. Even the smallest mistakes will unleash a barrage of criticism.
They sabotage attempts at independence. Narcissistic mothers want their daughters to remain dependent on them.
They will sabotage any attempts to form or strengthen relationships outside the family unit.
Emotional manipulation. Narcissistic mothers often resort to emotional manipulation, such as guilt or shame, in order to gain and maintain control over their daughters.
Making everything about themselves. No matter what is going on in their child’s life, it falls on deaf ears if it does not benefit or reflect positively on her parents’ opinion of themselves.
The effect of narcissistic mothers on their adult daughters
As adults, daughters raised by narcissistic mothers often suffer from self-esteem issues, feelings of guilt or shame, codependency in relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and mistrust of others.
These problems can be exacerbated when interacting with family members who continue to display narcissistic tendencies.
Narcissistic mothers have a profound and harmful influence on the lives of their daughters.
low self-esteem. Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, as they are constantly bombarded with criticism and never receive the unconditional love they need and deserve.
Difficulty building healthy relationships. Because of their difficult upbringing, adult daughters of narcissistic mothers often have difficulty forming healthy relationships.
They find it difficult to trust people or form meaningful relationships due to their experiences with manipulation and criticism from their mother when they were younger.
Weak coping mechanisms. With a lack of guidance or support from a parent, adult daughters of narcissistic mothers are at risk of engaging in self-destructive behaviors such as drinking alcohol or using drugs.
Unresolved trauma. Unfortunately, the influence of narcissistic mothers on their children can sometimes last beyond childhood and cause complications into adulthood when left unresolved.
Prone to narcissism themselves. The damage caused by a narcissistic mother can often lead to adult girls developing similar narcissistic traits, as they are more likely to imitate their parents’ behavior in order to cope with their difficult upbringing.
Interdependence. Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers are at risk for dependence on others in relationships.
This is because they are constantly searching for the unconditional love and validation that they were denied in their childhood.
Perfectionism. Having a narcissistic parent can cause feelings of worthlessness and insecurity in adulthood.
As they grow older, these women become prone to striving for perfection.
They often become workaholics and suffer from anxiety and depression because they never feel like they have achieved enough or done enough to prove themselves.
The long-term effects of having a narcissistic mother can be devastating.
Some adult girls may suffer from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty forming relationships with others, borderline personality disorder (BPD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and eating disorders.
Without proper treatment and support, these problems can become debilitating.
How narcissistic mothers treat their adult daughters
Becoming an adult does not always mean that the difficult experiences of having a narcissistic mother will stop.
Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers often face more criticism, manipulation, and unreasonable expectations.
Their mother will often try to dictate to them what kind of job they should have, who they should date or even marry, how much time they should spend on leisure activities, etc.
Narcissistic mothers will use all the nasty tricks in their narcissistic toolkit – gaslighting, shaming, guilt tripping, etc.
They don’t care that they are hurting their child. The only thing they care about is controlling and controlling them.
Advice for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers on how to heal
It is important to realize that your childhood experience is not a reflection of your personality.
Your childhood trauma is a burden you will have to carry for the rest of your life, but it doesn’t have to define who you are.
The first step in healing is to acknowledge the hurt and pain of having a narcissistic mother.
It is essential that you acknowledge the memories and experiences that have shaped you before you can begin to move forward and heal.
Consider treatment
One way to do this is through therapy.
Dealing with unresolved issues from childhood can be difficult, so psychotherapy is an option that adult daughters of narcissistic mothers should seriously consider.
Talking with a professional about your experiences can help you understand why you feel the way you do and give you the tools needed to best manage them.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in identifying and challenging irrational thoughts and beliefs they may have adopted due to their mothers’ behavior.
It also helps reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression resulting from the abuse they have suffered.
Psychodynamic therapy is also beneficial, because it allows the daughter to explore her experiences and relationship with her mother, and learn how these issues affect her in the present day.
In addition, schema-focused therapy can help adult daughters of narcissistic mothers improve their relationships with others and reduce their overall levels of distress by focusing on long-term goals and patterns of thinking or behavior.
Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can also be helpful when recovering from narcissistic abuse, as it provides skills such as mindfulness and emotion regulation that can help manage feelings of stress and anger that often arise after trauma.
Group therapy is another effective option that provides individuals the opportunity to connect with other people with similar experiences for support and healing.
Other helpful resources are books on narcissism written specifically for daughters of narcissistic mothers as well as online discussion groups focused on recovering from toxic relationships with mothers.
Rewrite your story
As an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, it is important that you take the time to rewrite your story.
Reflect on your experiences and create positive affirmations about who you are and what you have been able to overcome in life, no matter how difficult it may be at times.
This can help build resilience and confidence in yourself, giving you the strength to overcome future difficulties more easily.
Writing down your successes, no matter how small, will help give you a feeling of accomplishment and pride.
Realize that although your past experiences may still influence your decisions, they should not define you or limit what you can achieve.
Practice self-compassion
It’s important to acknowledge the challenges you’ve faced and be kind to yourself.
Show yourself the same kindness and understanding you would offer to someone else in need.
Don’t be afraid to express and embrace your personality. Allow yourself to discover the things that make you special without fear of judgment or criticism.
Forgiveness can be an incredibly powerful way to begin to heal any trauma or pain from your past.
Work on forgiving yourself for any mistakes, decisions, or circumstances that occurred.
This does not mean that you have to forget, but rather that you have to accept and understand why things happen a certain way.
Above all, you need to realize that you are worthy of love and respect regardless of any relationship struggles you may have had in the past.
Develop coping strategies
It is important for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers to realize that they are not responsible for their mothers’ words or actions.
Learning healthy coping mechanisms such as mindfulness practices can help them manage difficult emotions caused by interactions with their mothers.
It is also helpful for them to find supportive people they can trust as well as activities that bring happiness and fulfillment such as hobbies or self-care routines (such as yoga).
Seeking treatment from a professional who specializes in narcissism can also help adult daughters process their experiences in a safe environment and develop strategies for managing relationships with their future mothers.
Build a support network
As an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, it is important to build a strong and supportive network.
It is important to understand that family ties are not the only type of relationships that make up a family.
You can choose who you consider part of your “family” by connecting with people who make you feel accepted, protected, and valued during shared moments of joy and pain.
It is okay to reach out to these people and create meaningful relationships with them in order to build a circle of support.
Together they will be a source of comfort during the tough times, but they will also celebrate with you in the good times.
Practice self-care and self-validation
Finally, it is important that adult daughters of narcissistic mothers practice self-care. Do activities that bring you joy, such as exercising, exploring hobbies, or traveling.
Learning healthy coping mechanisms such as mindfulness practices is also very helpful in managing difficult emotions caused by interactions with their mothers
It is especially important to learn how to self-validate, build your self-confidence and gain true independence.
Conclusion
Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers often carry the burden of unresolved trauma from childhood into adulthood.
This is manifested through feelings such as guilt, shame, low self-worth, and distrust of others.
If you are an adult daughter dealing with issues related to growing up with a narcissistic mother, it is important to take action now by recognizing what happened in your childhood so you can begin to take steps toward healing yourself emotionally and mentally.
