If anyone watched Tuesday night’s episode of The Bachelor, it was almost better than watching a train wreck. Don’t ask me why I was watching it, but I’m glad I did – because it inspired me to write this blog. If you missed it, here’s the recap that caused quite a stir on Twitter:
Andi, the smart and beautiful lawyer who remained in Juan Pablo’s bottom three as his potential bride, had a date night in their fantasy suite. She suddenly realized that Juan Pablo hadn’t asked her any questions about herself, didn’t even know her religion or the city she grew up in, and yet he was already talking about marriage and raising children with her. (Go Andy)!
When she confronted him about her concerns, his reaction was nothing more than, “Okay, okay.” She was speechless by his disappointing reaction, and continued to ask him, “That’s all you’re going to say? Just ‘Okay, okay?'” And just 24 hours after he confessed his love to her, all he could say was, “Okay, okay.”
She hoped he would fight for her. Say sorry. Try to get her back or tell her she was wrong. But instead, he was willing to let her go and pass on to others.
Related : Just Because He’s Your Ex Doesn’t Mean He’s A Toxic Narcissist
Does this sound familiar to you? Have you ever expected your lover to fight for you, or beg you not to leave, or say sorry, but in reality you have nothing to say at all? And you’re practically waving your arms in the air, wondering what happened, trying to get the slightest bit of sympathy from him? As we saw on The Bachelor, Andi didn’t get the compassion she deserved, and if you’re dealing with a narcissist, you won’t get it either.
Loving a narcissist is an exciting journey. He will give you the fantasy relationship you have always dreamed of. He’ll take you to Europe, shower you with gifts, and invite you to his big house, all while chaperoning you in his very nice car. He will make you feel so incredibly important, more so than anyone you’ve ever met. Narcissists love to put on a good show. They like to talk about themselves. Sounds familiar, when we think of GB’s extravagant dates, doesn’t it?
But the truth is that the narcissist writes a script for the life he wants, not what he has. He can only hold on to this fairy tale for so long. After all, being a person isn’t stressful. If he doesn’t move on before you do, you will discover his narcissistic ways. You can confront him (as Andy did), and expect him to sympathize with your desires. Instead, he gives you very little feedback or worse, puts you down and insults you for being so needy.
And so you find yourself in the wake of being in love with a lonely narcissist. It is very confusing to once receive lavish gifts and poetic words of love, and to feel no feelings once he is gone. This can happen overnight, as we saw with Andy. Thank God she found out early in the relationship. Unfortunately, others are not so lucky.
The good news is that there is a wealth of information on how to spot a narcissist and heal yourself from loving a narcissist. I know this because I was a victim of a narcissist, in fact, more than one person. Through a lot of work, I learned that my dependence on others became a narcissistic magnet. Codependents like to “fix” everything. We spend our entire lives absorbing others. We’ve learned to take the blame or justify strange behavior, and yes, we’ve been accepting negative behavior for a really long time. How ideal is this environment for the narcissist? We are a match made in heaven!
But know this: You will never change your narcissistic lover. And you will never get the sympathy you want from him. Only you can change. Codependency is repairable. It’s all about knowledge, awareness, and finding the resources to help you.
