You love your partner, but you feel like something is wrong. You feel like you’re stuck in a cycle. You’ve heard about the narcissistic abandonment cycle, but you’re not sure if this describes your condition.
What is the narcissistic abandonment cycle?
A person with narcissistic personality disorder is driven to pursue wealth, power, and beauty. They want their partner to like them and look up to them. They yearn to be the center of attention, and desire praise and love.
They’ll tell you things like: “You’re the one for me” and “You’re amazing and wonderful and the best.”
You will enjoy bombarding them with love, so that in return they will want an endless amount of positive feedback, admiration, and attention. The narcissist is a bottomless pit when it comes to self-centeredness.
As soon as the narcissist feels the slightest bit of rejection (which he is extremely sensitive to), the narcissistic abandonment cycle begins. When this happens, you will feel blame, shame, and anger.
Signs of the narcissistic abandonment cycle.
Narcissists never admit that they are selfish and self-centered, so you should know the signs to look for in this type of relationship. As a couple’s counselor for over 10 years, clients ask very specific questions and use very similar examples to describe their relationship within the narcissistic abandonment cycle.
If you say or think the following things, your relationships may be involved in a narcissistic abandonment cycle.
7 signs of a narcissistic abandonment cycle:
- Is it me?
You will ask yourself the question: “Is it me?” In the narcissistic cycle of abandonment. The narcissist will twist the things you say, leaving you wondering, “Am I the selfish one or the problem in the relationship?”
- Will I go crazy?
The narcissist will use your words against you and make you feel like you are going crazy. You may sometimes question your memory of what happened because they are very good at convincing you that their memory is better than yours and that they are right.
- I didn’t say that.
The narcissist may deny saying something or tell you that you said something that you never remember saying. Dr. Tatkin, founder of PACT, explains how memory is fallible and unreliable.
But with a narcissist, words are used as weapons to hurt and frustrate you. It may seem like they are recording you because they are 100% sure of what you said and what you said. It’s so convincing you may start to doubt yourself.
- I’m wrong again.
We all make mistakes in relationships and in safe relationships we need to apologize for our mistakes and misunderstandings. But in narcissistic abandonment cycles, you will need to accept all blame and responsibility for the situation.
You will always be the spouse who is at fault and needs to apologize. The longer the cycle goes on, the more you may feel like you have to grovel because your apology isn’t good enough.
- Am I really that jealous and sensitive?
The narcissist will tell you: “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re too jealous,” “We’re just friends.” It’s your imagination.”
The narcissist will shift the blame, making you feel like you have no reason to doubt. If you keep asking them about the situation, they will usually blow up and leave.
You will never have your questions answered or feel safe in this relationship. Sometimes, you may feel safe until something happens again. It’s a false sense of security before the rug is pulled out from under you.
- Do I have trust issues?
As the narcissist comes and goes in the relationship as he pleases, you will develop trust issues. You may not be sure when they’ve “enough and they’re out again” or they’ll tell you you didn’t say something right again.
This narcissistic abandonment cycle may make you feel stressed. When you have to walk on eggshells and monitor everything you say so as not to upset your spouse, it creates a feeling of insecurity and untrustworthiness. Remember, they are untrustworthy people who are afraid of real connection.
- Do you feel like something is wrong?
You try so hard to say and do what your partner wants, but it’s never right. You’re exhausted from the mental gymnastics you have to do to keep a narcissist happy.
Your feelings are valid and need to be explored. You may need to seek counseling to work things out. You need to know if there is a cycle of narcissistic abandonment or something else causing these scenarios in the relationship.
Related: I Was Raised By A Narcissist Who Abducted Me When I Was 10
Stages of the narcissistic abandonment cycle.
The narcissistic abandonment cycle occurs in 6 stages: shame, avoidance and departure, fear of abandonment, return and promises, the spouse is optimistic, and then the pattern repeats itself.
The narcissist wants to be seen as unique and special. If they sense any insecurity or weakness or they realize that you are ashaming them or not looking up to them in any way, they want to run away and avoid it or turn their shame into attacks against you.
This shyness can occur in any area of their life, such as if you embarrassed them in front of others, or did not praise them and acknowledge how wonderful they were, or mentioned a mistake or mistake on their part, or suggested that they were not so excellent.
The narcissist then moves to the next stage of the cycle, where the narcissistic tendencies are avoidance and abandonment. They won’t discuss their feelings about the situation, but will avoid conflict altogether, even if it means avoiding you.
This may include disappearing without telling their partner where they are going, giving their partner the silent treatment, or going to a friend’s house for hours or even days.
Sometimes they go to your ex’s house to intentionally hurt you and make you regret your “behavior.”
Since this pattern is a cycle, the narcissist tries to avoid feeling “small” or rejected. They want to avoid any possibility of being abandoned, so these feelings are quickly suppressed and instead turn into anger and anger.
Narcissists may come back because they want and miss the praise and attention they get.
When the narcissist comes back, you can’t expect any apology or explanation for his behavior. The narcissist will blame you for forcing them to leave. And it will be all your fault.
The narcissist may threaten you by saying that if you do X again, he won’t come back next time. They will leave you forever. You may feel manipulated, controlled, used, and helpless.
You may wonder when and how this narcissistic abandonment cycle began and developed.
Narcissistic personalities are usually very attractive and charming and can make you feel happy in the moment. At first, she may not see the signs and not know how to spot lies because she is so manipulative, so she will let them back into the relationship.
You may think that this cycle will never happen again until the pattern repeats itself.
The cycle also includes aspects of idealization, devaluation, and rejection. If the narcissist perceives that you are devaluing him or rejecting him, he will want to avoid these feelings at all costs. The narcissist wants to be perfect. If not they will give up the relationship for someone else who will put them on a pedestal.
Ending the cycle of narcissistic abandonment.
The stages of the narcissistic abandonment cycle are real and may be happening to you. The seven signs you might ask or tell yourself to better understand relationships with narcissists are explained. Without therapeutic help, this cycle will likely continue to repeat itself.
