I have struggled with trauma bond for the better part of four years. I really started to struggle when I was still attached to my ex and entered into a relationship with a more covert type of narcissist.
I never had the opportunity to break the initial bond, so I went back into a new relationship trying to escape the bond I didn’t know existed.
I researched, read, watched countless YouTube videos, wrote, and even made an appointment with Meredith Miller of Inner Integrations, desperate for help. I couldn’t stay away.
All I’ve read is that you should not contact the person you have a trauma relationship with. There is no other way. Meredith also reassured me that this was the best way.
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no connection. Don’t associate with someone who has deceived, lied to, and manipulated you for years. Why would you want to associate with such a person!?
But the trauma bond is strong. It is explained as “the bond that an abused person feels towards their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. The bond is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement.”
If you have experienced trauma or are currently experiencing trauma, you know the strong attachment you feel towards a person who feels unbearable most of the time.
What worked for me doesn’t mean it will work for you. But this latest run-in with a narcissist has changed something inside me.
I had an “ah ha” moment, as they say.
At that point, I had come back at least 50 times and had been trying to break free for the better part of three years.
But what helped me finally accept it was that I stopped living in the potential fantasy land and shifted my thought patterns to reality. And I had to keep coming back to get to this reality.
This is true: return until your heart is at peace. Keep going back until you can finally see that this person who says they love you is showing you over and over again how much they don’t love you. I wanted to believe every word that came out of her mouth, but her actions were always different; They never matched what she was saying.
I think “no contact” is the equivalent of staying off heroin without the methadone. I have an addictive personality, so my form of methadone was to keep coming back until I finally decided to unconsciously accept it as it is. The relationship was literally killing me.
I say “subconscious” because the wake-up call that I was in a relationship with a real narcissist happened when I least expected it. This is exactly what Meredith Miller said would happen: One day you will know that person, and you will become indifferent to the person.
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I had been trying hard for three years to break my addiction to this person, but every time I tried to not contact her, I failed miserably. If I didn’t pursue her, she would call me at a vulnerable time in my life, and I would respond. She knew how to get a response from me.
I can say with 99% certainty that I will never speak to her again. I started focusing on myself and not the relationship. The issue wasn’t her betrayal and lies; The problem was me.
Why did I feel like I deserved to be treated this way?
I have since planned a trip to hike the Appalachian Trail in July with a friend because sometimes you have to trust your gut and not look back.
I focused on my healing and growth and released the focus from the relationship that had no chance in hell of working.
You will always wonder if the narcissist is being honest with you and trust disappears after the person cheats on you 2-3 times. There is no coming back from losing trust, and in turn, you end up in a relationship built on fear, not love.
