Once upon a time when I was little, I was happily playing on a friend’s swing, but for some reason, I loosened my grip on the chains of the swing.
I don’t remember what I was thinking; All I know is that one minute I was soaring in the air and singing to myself, and the next, I was lying on the ground, staring at the sky, unable to catch my breath.
That was the first – and only – time the actual wind got knocked out of me.
However, I have had the metaphorical wind knocked out of me many times.
Have you ever tried to talk to your partner about something and the entire conversation went off the rails, ending up in a terrible fight that left you feeling like you might definitely be crazy?
Related: The Disturbing Reason Narcissists And Psychopaths Have A Spellbinding Power Over You
Whenever this happens to me, I remember that sunny afternoon when I suddenly went from having the time of my life to being unable to move or breathe, lying on the floor wondering what happened.
If you can relate to this feeling, you may be a victim of gaslighting – one of the most insidious, destructive, and most common forms of emotional abuse.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse where the perpetrator attempts to make his victim question reality.
The term actually comes from an old Ingrid Bergman film – the thriller Gaslight (1944) – in which a man deliberately tries to make his wife think she is going crazy.
Part of his evil scheme involves flashing gas lanterns in their house and telling her it’s just her imagination.
If he can convince his wife she’s crazy and get her committed to an institution, he can find and steal her family’s long-lost jewels.
Also, he killed his wife’s aunt years ago and has been planning this whole thing ever since.
Of course, in real life, gaslighters aren’t usually murderers and thieves hatching complex criminal plots.
But they tend to be narcissistic, abusive, and power-hungry men. (A certain President of the United States comes to mind.)
Having the upper hand is what gaslighting is all about – the person gaslighting their partner wants her to stop trusting herself and thinking that everything is her fault.
This is much easier than you think.
When the person you love and who claims to love you starts telling you that you are wrong about things, including your intentions and actions, it plants a seed of doubt that can quickly grow into a feeling of isolation and confusion that shakes you. To your heart.
Related: 3 Easy Ways To Know You’re Dating A Man With Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How do I know if I have gas?
If your partner is lying to you, denying doing things that you absolutely know he did, saying one thing and doing another, attacking your character, or outright telling you that you’re crazy or confused, there’s a good chance he’s gaslighting you.
As psychologist and author Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., wrote in the Huffington Post, “Gas people know that people like a feeling of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you always question everything.
So, if you find yourself feeling confused, constantly questioning your motives and actions, and feeling wrong without really knowing what you may have done, pay attention.
It is possible to fall victim to a gas lighter.
If you’re not sure whether someone is attacking you, keep in mind that what matters is what that person does, not what they say.
“What they say means nothing; It’s just talk. What they do is the problem,” Dr. Sarkis writes.
Also be aware that there will be times when they shower you with praise, which may confuse you even more, and make you wonder if you’re crazy for suspecting their abuse.
“You think: ‘Well, maybe they’re not so bad,'” Dr. Sarkis explains. “Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to throw you off balance, and once again to question your reality.”
Related: 10 Subtle Signs The Person You Love Is A Narcissistic Sociopath
What can I do about it?
I am a strong believer in giving people lots of opportunities and working on building relationships to make them strong.
But gaslighting is a sign of a toxic relationship that may be beyond repair.
If you are with a narcissist, there is nothing you can do to make them change.
