Ah, Narcissus, the demigod who will forever change our view of self-obsessed people. In Greek mythology, Narcissus is extremely beautiful, but he never sees himself.
One day, Narcissus sees his reflection in the river, and is mesmerized by its extreme beauty, so he falls into the river and drowns. On the banks of the river, daffodils grow. Today we call them daffodils.
In his honor – or rather, in his legacy – we have the term narcissist. While we equate toxic experiences with the term, there is an actual personality disorder associated with it.
I’m certainly not a psychologist, but I have dealt with some real people.
Related: How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother
First, what are the characteristics of a narcissistic person?
According to the Mayo Clinic, a person with narcissistic personality disorder has an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy.
Before we even know if a narcissistic person can change, we must be able to spot them in the wild. There are two subtypes: great and weak.
Grandiosity fits the stereotype of what we consider a narcissist. The vulnerable or covert narcissist is a little different. They suffer from low self-esteem and are more reserved (and dissatisfied!) with paths.
You may have seen your ex who had to have the best of the best, and if they didn’t, all hell broke loose. Or you have a quiet co-worker who is bitter when he is passed over for a management position while saying in his own words “I’m so much more qualified than X.”
Now, being an asshole doesn’t mean being a narcissist. The two terms are not related.
All narcissists can be jerks, but not all jerks are narcissists.
Narcissists seem attractive at first, and they bombard you with love. You don’t know what hit you until it’s too late. You try to talk about your day, but are interrupted by them complaining that their work presentation wasn’t getting as much praise as it should have. While you tell them how smart and beautiful they are, it’s never enough.
Are these compliments mutual? Usually not! You have broken your foot and have to get around on crutches. Your regular partner will help take care of you, order your favorite foods, and will suffer with you through the final season of “Bridgerton” while you recover.
Not the narcissist. You’re lucky if they open the door for you.
Related: To My Narcissistic Psychopathic Mother, I Am “The Face That Understands Her”
Their lack of empathy is a big red flag — and not the fun kind we see at carnivals. Even though you’ve had a group of close friends since college, you can’t really think of any friends the narcissist has in your life. Not anything that stays for long, anyway.
A casual hit in a relationship is common. Maybe you’ve joked about your friend’s dad’s body over pizza and beer. However, as the banter becomes darker and more constant, it may be par for the course.
Even if you confront their lack of empathy and teasing, they will insist that you are being too sensitive and insist that they are right. They will set fire to hell out of you.
All of this begs the question: Can narcissists change?
The answer is not black and white or yes or no. It’s really up to the person. If they realize they have harmful behaviors and show a genuine desire to change, the good news is that it is possible – with the right help.
Since when does a narcissist seek or accept help when they can do it on their own? They know themselves better than some silly Freudian herd who wants them to sit on the couch. In the face of their traits, many will continue to gaslight you.
While the scope of my experience in relationships is limited to writing articles and my personal experiences, when I realized that my narcissistic ex would never change and refused treatment, I ran away as fast and as hard as I could.
