Before you can learn how to disarm a narcissist, you must be able to recognize when you are dealing with a narcissist.

I didn’t realize I was in a relationship with a narcissist until I divorced him. Before our marriage finally ended, I had never connected the narcissistic dots between my husband’s manipulative behavior, emotionally avoidant communication style, lack of empathy, and inability to compromise or put anyone’s needs before his own.

I felt like there must be a pathological reason for his behavior, but I didn’t know what it was.

What is a narcissist?

In today’s society, the term “narcissist” is used (and misused) in many ways.

In casual conversations with friends and family, this term is often used to describe someone who others consider to be selfish, conceited, and introverted. Their greatest fear is rejection and denial.

In the world of clinical psychology, this term is shorthand for a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a valid mental health condition characterized by selfish thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive attention, and feelings of neglect. Grandiosity (an arrogant sense of superiority), and a sense of entitlement.

Related: To My Narcissistic Psychopathic Mother, I Am “The Face That Understands Her”

Signs of narcissism

In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)[1], Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as “a common pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a persistent need for admiration, and a lack of empathy , which begins in early adulthood and appears in a variety of contexts, as evidenced by 5 (or more) of the following 9 criteria*:

1. The grandiose logic of self-importance
2. Focus on fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or perfect love

3. The belief that they are unusual and exceptional and can only be understood or associated with unusual and high-level people or institutions.
4. The need for intense levels of admiration
5. Feelings of unrealistic expectations and unjustified entitlement
6. A pattern of exploitative relationships between people, where they exploit others for their own benefit
7. Lack of empathy and unwillingness to recognize the feelings or needs of others
8. Feelings of envy towards others and/or belief that others are jealous of them
9. Exhibiting selfish and arrogant behaviors and/or attitudes

*IMPORTANT NOTE: Only a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or other qualified mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder or any other mental health condition.

Differences between narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and narcissistic tendencies
While dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits can be very difficult, it is important to realize that there is a big difference between a narcissistic person and someone with pathological narcissism (narcissism caused by a diagnosable mental illness).

Narcissism is viewed broadly based on the severity of symptoms, from mild to moderate, and all of us have narcissistic traits and tendencies to some degree.

“What distinguishes some narcissistic behaviors from pathological narcissism is frequency, intensity, and duration,” explains Preston Nee, MBA.[3] “While some people may occasionally and mildly display narcissistic traits, the pathological narcissist routinely uses destructive narcissistic tactics in order to gain false superiority and exploit relationships.”

Disarm the narcissist

Because people with BPD are unable to regulate their emotions and consider the impact their actions may have on others, they can be difficult to deal with.

But clarity is powerful—and understanding how narcissists feel and think differently than you will be your best defense against a bully. And make no mistake about it, narcissists are bullies.

“When you’re with a narcissist, it can often upset you because at first, because they’re so good at putting on a show of admiration,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, author of Should. Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.

“[They] can be charismatic, often very intelligent, charming, very attractive. But over time, all that superficiality is met with a real lack of empathy, and it’s often a lack of empathy,” she continues. “Don’t listen carefully. They’ll be prone to patterns like deceit and lying. Not good things for highly interdependent relationships.”

Unless your narcissistic partner is willing to do a lot of work in therapy, life will never get better and you will continue to be emotionally abused.

Despite my best attempts in my relationship with a narcissist, I was unable to identify an effective way to deal with him that would save our marriage.

My husband used to give me the silent treatment when he didn’t get what he wanted. He declared that he was right and would simply move to the guest room until I changed my mind and apologized. It made me cry every time, but there was no sympathy, thought or compromise with him.

On the other hand, people with narcissistic personality disorder can be charming, using tactics such as love bombing (showering you with massive amounts of attention and compliments) and obsession (trying to suck you back in after treating you like dirt) in their manipulative efforts to attract you back. Get your undying devotion.

“The difficult thing about a relationship with a narcissist is that they often rely on hope,” says Dr. Durvasula.

There’s a reason flight attendants remind passengers to secure their own oxygen masks first, before helping others. For most people, our instinct is to reach out and help our family members and loved ones first. As parents, we have to fight our instincts to put our children’s safety before our own.

Narcissist on a plane? They don’t need reminding. They might be thinking: “Why would anyone need a reminder to save themselves first?”

As sad as it sounds, narcissists often view their children not as separate beings, but as extensions of themselves. The narcissistic parent is likely to feel that whatever makes him happy will also make his child happy, as if it will affect him, unlike the parent who thinks about his child’s needs first, and then thinks about how to regulate his own needs.

To disarm a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than he or she is. So expect the magic, know that it won’t last, and follow these steps to protect yourself from their wrath. The best way to disarm them is to have complete control over your emotions and not feed their ego.

Disarming them verbally means saying absolutely nothing to them about themselves. Verbal praise strengthens the narcissist’s unstable mind, and their weaknesses include insecurity, poor decision-making skills, and lack of empathy.

Related: How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother