If you’ve ever broken up with a narcissist or been dumped by someone, you know how uncomfortable that can feel. It may feel like you are freed from the manipulation and emotional pain of not being good enough for them.
Unfortunately, in some cases, you may end up stuck in a relationship with someone who is “circling” you, so even leaving the relationship no longer feels like solace.
What is a narcissist, and how do you know if it’s happening to you?
“Hoovering” is a form of narcissistic abuse where your ex tries to convince you to return to the relationship through manipulation and lies. This can happen to anyone who has a narcissistic ex-partner, regardless of whether they were the one who left or the narcissist broke up with them.
So, are narcissists trying to get you back? Yes, but it’s not because they love you, it’s because they love themselves.
Related: If He Has These 4 Personality Traits, He’s Probably A Humble Narcissist
What does it mean to hover someone?
“Hoovering” is an emotional abuse tactic used by narcissists and other manipulative personality types to suck their victims back into a relationship with them due to their low narcissistic reserve.
According to Donna Andersen, who specializes in love recovery for narcissists and sociopaths and is the founder of Love Fraud:
“Relationships with narcissists are highly addictive. What you experience as ‘love’ is an addiction or a trauma bond — a strong emotional attachment to someone who is destructive to you — that makes you want to be with that person. You feel forced.
So, when the narcissist shows up again, apologizing or promising that everything will be great, you want to believe. You’ve been sucked in again. You’ve been hovering.
This dilemma is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, and it makes a lot of sense because the “hooverer” treats you like dirt. When someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is out of a relationship, they think they need attention from you, from their ex. They will try to drag you back with promises to be better or stop behaving in certain ways.
Narcissists hover because they need to be adored, and who better to absorb that energy than someone they decide is still vulnerable to them?
The person wandering around could be at a low point in their life and may need a quick fix, so they look for the easiest and quickest source: you, the person who knows how to manipulate them and is also emotionally abusive.
Does the narcissist stop being so high? Unfortunately, the answer is no. They will likely find a new victim to focus on, but even that may not stop them from reaching out to you sometimes and making you feel bad.
