No matter how you cut it, dealing with a narcissist is painful. The mind games they use against you can create a level of torment that would make the most cruel and famous tyrants in every history book raise a glass to toast.
True narcissists with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) tend to have a constant need for admiration while having a great sense of self. But there are also people who do not have or have not been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and who display behaviors and tactics characteristic of the disorder, such as a lack of empathy and a pattern of exploiting others for their own gain.
These master manipulators run narcissistic mind games on their romantic partners such as gaslighting, love bombing, ghosting, playing the victim, and plotting revenge on anyone who insults them.
Because these games are meant to be subtle and deceptive, they tend to go unnoticed until you’re already entangled in the twisted webs they’ve spun to ensnare you.
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Before you become collateral damage in a narcissist’s power game, it’s best to understand the kinds of mind games you’ll need to endure—and hopefully avoid, or run away altogether—when you make the painful discovery that, for days, months, or perhaps even years, you’ve been a pawn in their game. Narcissists.
9 Mind games narcissists play to get what they want from you
- Blame game
Narcissists cannot take responsibility for anything negative that happens in their lives.
For a narcissist, everything that is, was, or will be wrong in your relationship is your fault. Even your breakup will be your fault and will burden you with one guilt trip after another. The more you try to prove yourself right, the harder your narcissistic partner will struggle to prove you wrong.
- The snake charmer
Most narcissists can be amazingly charming… when they want to be! Since many of them are extremely accomplished and highly motivated professionals, they end up making a huge impression on your family, coworkers, and even your closest friends (who can always smell a bad friend they disapprove of from a mile away). far).
They will charm everyone in your life with their attractiveness to the point where they will think there is something really wrong if you confide in them that your partner is messing with your head in all sorts of ways that becomes painful.
The problem is that they don’t understand that they have been manipulated too.
- Blurring the lines between you
Narcissists do not respect boundaries.
They have no problem walking into your home uninvited, or your office in the middle of an important meeting, or joining you and your friends when you explicitly say it’s a spa day for you and your friends only, or assuming they’re invited to go camping in the mountains for the weekend after a “failure.” Weekend plans” when it was supposed to be for you and your closest friends.
Unless you set firm boundaries—and enforce them—your narcissistic partner will walk all over you and turn your world upside down.
- Gas lighting
Narcissists will tell you they are going to do one thing, and then do the exact opposite. When you ask them why, they’ll look at you like you’ve grown two heads and assert, “That’s exactly what you did. What else are you talking about? Are you sure you’re okay?”
You start second guessing yourself until you think you’re seriously losing your mind. That’s their entire goal, and given how successful it is, it makes it very difficult to realize that they were the ones who designed this game all along.
Part of every game is seeing how they spread into every corner of your life, and this is one of the narcissist’s signature mind games.
They make you look like crazy.
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- Truth or dare
For the narcissist, “truth” is relative. They will say and do whatever they need to to make themselves look good, or to make you look bad. If you make the mistake of thinking that once they get to court and swear to tell the truth, they will actually do it, they will attack you.
You will stand in court with your mouth open in disbelief because they are lying to the judge – and the judge believes them!
- My way or the highway
Narcissists can’t be wrong. never.
If you continue to challenge them by disagreeing with your partner, they will paint you as a shameful fool or explode into a terrifying tantrum. Although they are quick to judge, criticize, or ridicule you, don’t think for a moment that there is room for play here.
If you try to do the same to them, they will throw a tantrum or accuse you of mistreating them. (Yes, you read correctly.)
- Love bombing
Part of what makes dealing with a narcissist so amazing and painful is how good they are at convincing you that they have changed. After acting like crazy, they will suddenly treat you with obvious kindness and concern.
They love to bombard you with promises of change and being a better partner, and they may seem like that sweet, charming person you remember falling in love with when you first fell in love.
Then, once you forgive them and start believing that they will do the right thing now, they immediately come back and take advantage of you. I caught you!
Be careful to evaluate their every move, especially if they’re being uncharacteristically nice, because this is one of the things they like to do over and over again – as long as they can get you to agree with them.
- Rules? What are the rules?
The person who runs narcissistic mind games believes that the rules do not apply to them.
For those clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, researchers claimed in a 2020 article, “We see that at the heart of grandiose narcissism lies the hierarchical and comparative perspective that characterizes status hierarchies: seeing oneself as superior implicitly sees others as inferior.” Inferiority; to see oneself as superior is to view others as inferior; to see oneself as superior is to view others as inferior. Being entitled to special privileges implies viewing others as unworthy. “
Those with narcissistic personality disorder or who play narcissistic mind games believe they are above the rules.
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- Change shape
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to transform into any shape they need to in order to gain sympathy, attract attention, or stay in control. If you are strong, your narcissistic spouse will become weak. They will appear to be the victim of your “abuse.” (Yes, really.)
If you are weak or codependent, your narcissistic spouse will portray you as lazy or incompetent.
What’s even more frustrating is that as soon as you try to change yourself, your narcissistic spouse will change too. Trying to pin your spouse down is like trying to stick jelly to the wall.
- Projection
Because narcissists have fragile egos, they often project onto others negative traits that they themselves possess.
They cannot admit to themselves, or to anyone else, that they could be less than perfect. You can expect your narcissistic partner to accuse you of lying, cheating, manipulating him, and even abusing him.
In short, they will accuse you of doing everything they do.
- Hoover
Narcissists love drama! They enjoy creating and spreading negative emotions. It puts them in the spotlight, makes them feel powerful, and keeps you off balance.
So when you finally stop working, they will do anything they have to in order to suck you back in like a powerful vacuum cleaner, whether that means calling you crying and desperate for help or otherwise manipulating your emotions until you feel forced to let them back in.
- Winner takes all
For narcissists, every interaction with others is a game. Not only is it a game they have to win, it’s a game you have to lose.
If doing so costs you every penny you have, then your narcissistic ex is okay with doing it. If “winning” means ruining your children’s lives, your narcissistic ex may be okay with that too. Because of their “winner takes all” attitude, reaching a reasonable settlement with a narcissist is usually very difficult or completely impossible.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or violence, there are resources to get help.
