Dealing with a narcissist in your life is difficult. But when that person is your mother, things can go wrong very quickly.
I have a friend (and yes, she’s actually a friend, not me) who has been dealing with her mother’s narcissistic ways her whole life. Unfortunately, it took her until she was in her mid-twenties to realize the real reason behind her mother’s “crazyness.”
If you’re not quite sure what being a narcissist means, it’s when a person is overly concerned with themselves. In fact, the actual definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.”
But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to even the slightest criticism.
This does not mean that this person stands in front of the mirror all day, praising himself for his perfect skin and gorgeous hair – this is simply subjective behavior. It runs much deeper than that.
Instead, the narcissistic person will make every situation about themselves, blame others for their problems and misfortunes rather than themselves, and be unable to empathize with others. Usually intertwined with each of their actions is some sort of basic, self-serving benefit.
Having a narcissistic mother is especially troubling, as mothers are usually supposed to put their children first.
Once my friend discovered the signs that your mother is a narcissist (after talking to a therapist for years), she knew how to deal with it.
Here are 4 memories she shared with me about the times her mother demonstrated her narcissistic ways.
- “I remember telling my mom that I didn’t like what she made me for lunch at school. Her response was, ‘It doesn’t matter if you eat it, it’s just that the other parents know that I make you lunch.’”
- “My mother was always late, and it was my responsibility to make sure we got out the door in time for family events and school. When I was 11, I would wake her up for work when I left to take myself to work.” school.”
- ‘The day I learned I was graduating from college, I called my mom, who was a graduate student at the time, to tell her the good news. When I told her I was graduating, she responded, ‘That’s great… I got an A on my paper today!’ “
- “When I was 14, it was common for my friends’ parents to say to me, ‘It’s like you’re the mother and she’s the daughter.’
Instead of making my friend her first priority, her mother put her own needs first.
Getting enough sleep was more important than getting her daughter to school on time. Talking about her school paper was more important than celebrating her daughter’s accomplishments. And making lunch just so other parents “think” she’s a good mother (rather than knowing what her daughter actually enjoys eating) showed her priorities.
Related: 4 Biggest Signs You’re In Love With A Clinical Narcissist
Children are very resilient, and since my girlfriend’s father wasn’t around much, she learned to be fiercely independent at a very young age. She also spent a lot of time caring for her aunt, who taught her the normal way a mother should behave.
Eventually, as she got older, she realized the difference between the way a mother should treat her children and the way her own mother treated her.
She knew things weren’t right, but she dealt with it because she was used to taking care of herself for a long time.
Fortunately, my friend is very social and has replaced what she lacked from her mother with the support of friends and other family members. However, once she grew older and had to deal with her mother on a new level, she sought professional therapy.
Through college, career changes, student debt, marriage, divorce, moving to different states, and everything else that comes with adult life – her mother simply wasn’t there for her emotionally.
My friend had no direction or mother figure to talk to. Instead, she had to deal with her own issues as well as draining interactions with her mother.
