When we think of controlling behavior, most of us picture a toxic and abusive relationship where one partner is controlling.
Unfortunately, this thinking is wrong because this type of behavior doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships.
People who like to control others can be found all around us. Controlling behavior can occur in all types of relationships; Between family members, between friends, and even between work colleagues.
Having a controlling relationship greatly affects a person’s life. In fact, it completely changes someone’s life.
Firstly, it makes you forget everything and everyone around you. Then it makes you forget your worth, and in the end it makes you lose yourself. It completely drains you.
What is controlling behavior?
Behavior control is when one person manipulates another person into doing something they want.
Mind games, gaslighting, emotional manipulation… these are just a few of the methods controlling partners use to mess with their partner’s mind.
First, they make their partners emotionally dependent on them. Then they manipulate them into behaving in a way that suits them best.
We’ve all met those couples where one partner is in control and wants to be “in charge” all the time, while the other is always silent and agrees with everything their partner does and says.
Many people get stuck in a controlling relationship. They have strong feelings for their partners and it becomes difficult for them to break free from this emotional abuse.
Sometimes, unfortunately, they become victims of domestic violence.
I’m sure we all know that there is one family where one parent is overprotective of their children which makes them very controlling.
They want to know everything about their children and want them to respect their rules even when they become adults.
Unfortunately, these parents do not realize the consequences of their behavior on their children.
This type of toxic relationship leaves indelible marks on children’s mental health and self-esteem.
We’ve all encountered annoying coworkers who think they’re better than us at least once. Ah, they are the worst!
They do the same job as you, but they act as if they are your boss. They tell others what to do, make others do their work, and in the end, they get all the credit for a job well done.
This type of abusive behavior can also be found in friendships. If your boyfriend believes he has the right to control your life, even if he is your best friend, then you should end that relationship.
These are all examples of controlling relationships and behaviors. Although there are many red flags, unfortunately, sometimes it is very difficult to spot a controlling person.
Signs of behavioral control
Sometimes it can be very difficult to spot a controlling person, but here are some subtle signs that can help you.
They need to know every move you make and every step you take
Whatever you do, wherever you go, you have to tell them first. They want to know where you are every minute of the day.
They text you all day long asking where you are or when you’re coming home. You’re not allowed to do anything without their permission, or at least without discussing it with them first.
If you’re too busy to respond to texts right away, they’ll get angry and accuse you of cheating or not making them a priority in your life.
- Isolating you from other important people in your life
Their goal is to separate you from your family and friends. They want to isolate you from your loved ones because they are a threat to them.
They know that these people only want what is best for you and that they will try to talk you out of your unhealthy and manipulative relationship.
They are afraid of your family and friends and will do anything to stop them from talking to you.
They want to make you think they are the only ones you can trust.
That’s why they’ll make up stories about your family and friends and lie about them, just to make you think you can’t trust them.
- They act completely different in front of your family or friends
You will see how they will make you confused. First, they will talk badly about your family and friends, but act completely differently in front of them.
They will act normally, as if they don’t have a bad opinion of them. They will make them laugh and compliment them often.
They will show completely different faces when they are in front of your loved ones. You won’t know what they actually mean and how they feel about them.
Trust me, they don’t mean it that way. They don’t respect or love your family, you think, but they don’t want them to question their true intentions.
- You are not allowed to have a life outside of the relationship
They will get angry if they see you talking or drinking coffee with some of your friends or colleagues. They will make you believe that your relationship is the only thing that should matter in your life.
After they make you emotionally dependent on them, you will ask for their permission in everything you do.
They want to control every part of your life, and soon you will see how this affects all aspects of your life.
Your career will not advance. You will never be able to experience new opportunities.
You will lose all your connections. You will not achieve your dreams and goals.
- Your self-esteem suffers
Victims of controlling people are precisely those who suffer from low self-esteem. They know that they are easy to control because of their lack of confidence.
Even though you started this relationship with low self-esteem issues, your self-confidence will still be greatly influenced by your controlling partner.
They will make you feel that they are better than you at everything. Whatever you do, it won’t be enough for them.
- It makes you doubt your self-worth
This is the result of low self-esteem. Your partner will make you believe that you are not good enough.
Their goal is to make you believe that you do not deserve to be loved and that you will never find someone new if you decide to end the relationship.
Since you are dealing with a great manipulator, after some time, you actually begin to doubt your self-worth.
You start to believe that he is the only man who can love someone like you and that is why you start protecting your relationship more than ever.
- Tripping with guilt
Feeling guilty is a manipulator’s favorite way to get you to do something he wants. They will even bring up something that happened a long time ago just to get what they want.
They know how you think and feel. They know that by making you feel guilty, you will do what they want just to get their forgiveness and stop feeling guilty.
- You have to prove your feelings
They make you prove your love to them all the time, but when you ask them, they get upset because you doubt their feelings. Your words are never enough, but they are.
You’ve never given them any reason to doubt your love, and it’s puzzling to you why you have to prove your love over and over again.
- You’re walking on eggshells around them all the time
Feeling guilty is a manipulator’s favorite way to get you to do something he wants. They will even bring up something that happened a long time ago just to get what they want.
They know how you think and feel. They know that by making you feel guilty, you will do what they want just to get their forgiveness and stop feeling guilty.
- You have to prove your feelings
They make you prove your love to them all the time, but when you ask them, they get upset because you doubt their feelings. Your words are never enough, but they are.
You’ve never given them any reason to doubt your love, and it’s puzzling to you why you have to prove your love over and over again.
- You’re walking on eggshells around them all the time
You never know where you stand with them. They change their behavior often.
One moment, they make you think they really love you, but the next moment, they act like you did something bad to them and they can’t forgive you.
You can never feel relaxed because you never know how they will act. She didn’t feel comfortable around them anymore.
You feel like they are watching your every move and you are right. They are waiting for you to make a mistake so they can turn it against you and continue their pattern of guilt tripping.
- You are not allowed to speak
You are never allowed to speak up because your opinion doesn’t matter. You just have to listen to them and agree with them because they are always right.
You isolate yourself from others because you actually start thinking that what you have to say isn’t important to anyone.
If something bothers you, keep it to yourself because you’re afraid to tell your partner. This is what instantly makes your relationship unhealthy.
- They get angry if you do something without asking them first
They are used to being asked for permission. They act like they own you, like they have every right to control your life.
If you do something without consulting them first, even if it’s something insignificant, they will get so angry that they won’t talk to you anymore.
If you do something wrong or make a stupid mistake, they will automatically give you the silent treatment. They will make you work hard to forgive them.
- They have a sudden outburst of emotions
In front of your family and friends, they will show their affection and shower you with compliments.
They want to do it in front of them because they want to make others think that they are a perfect partner.
Sometimes they will act this way when you are alone. This will happen when they notice that you have changed in some way.
They want to make you confused by showing that they care deeply about you after all.
Sometimes they will get very angry without any reason. They may even display some abusive behavior.
People who have a strong need to control another person certainly have some mental health issues, so it’s no wonder they suffer from these mood swings.
- Constant criticism
You are constantly criticized by them. Their goal is to make you believe that you are not good enough and that you never will be, no matter what you do.
They think the more they repeat it, the faster you’ll start believing it. This will also affect your self-worth. It destroys your self-esteem.
Constant criticism is a toxic habit. Not only will this affect your self-confidence and mental health, but it will also destroy your intimate relationship.
- They make you feel like you don’t deserve them
They know that if they make you think you don’t deserve them, they will make you fight to keep them in your life.
They make you believe that they are better than you in every possible way. Then you start controlling them.
When they are sure that they have convinced you that you do not deserve them at all, they start asking you to do things for them.
- They spy on you
They want to control your life and that’s why they need to know everything about you. They don’t trust anyone, especially you, and they start spying on you.
They go through your stuff, follow you wherever you go, and take your phone to see who you’re talking to.
- They create unnecessary drama
When you make a small mistake, they make a big mistake. This is because they know that by making you feel guilty, it will be easier to control you.
They also want others to hear that you made a mistake while they are a perfect partner.
- There are no limits at all
Every healthy relationship is based on setting boundaries. Manipulative partners know that setting those boundaries will stop them from being able to control their partner’s life.
Even if you had some healthy boundaries when you started dating, those boundaries are definitely gone now.
They crossed all your boundaries at the beginning of your relationship and you allowed them to because you loved them.
- They feel excessively jealous
As we said before, they don’t want you to have a life outside of your relationship. They are jealous of all your friends and co-workers.
They can’t see you with someone else, even if you give them no reason to doubt your loyalty.
This is another reason to control behavior.
- They threaten you with warnings
The first time your partner gives you an ultimatum, you should end the relationship because he is just trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Controlling partners always give their partners ultimatums. Most often, they threaten to hurt themselves if their partner doesn’t do what they want them to do.
Issuing ultimatums is one of the manipulator’s techniques.
They give their partner an ultimatum because they know they don’t want to hurt their feelings and that’s why they will accept it and do whatever they are asked.
- Physical abuse
Unfortunately, most cases of a controlling intimate partner end in physical abuse.
Due to frequent outbursts of emotions, some controlling partners become aggressive and violent. They start punishing their partners every time they make a mistake.
There are several reasons why some people endure physical abuse in a relationship.
They may be afraid to tell anyone because they are afraid of their partner or because they think no one will believe them.
Their feelings for their partner are so strong that they believe that one day they will change and regret their behavior.
They can become very emotionally dependent on their partners and fear losing them. That’s why they start to think that abuse is normal.
What causes controlling behavior?
There are many reasons why some people feel the need to control others, and others are difficult to recognize.
If someone has had a traumatic experience in a previous relationship or been emotionally abused, they will try to control their partner because they do not want to repeat their terrible past experiences.
Some people have trust issues, which means they don’t trust anyone easily, especially an intimate partner. These issues make them want to control their partner’s life.
Some people control their partner’s life due to fear of abandonment. They love their partners very much and never want to lose them.
Neither they nor their partners are aware of the fact that they are in a controlling relationship.
There are some people who simply need to be “in charge” all the time. They feel the need to control the lives of everyone around them.
Low self-esteem can also make a person controlling. If you lack self-confidence, it can trigger a lot of unpleasant feelings such as anxiety, depression, and jealousy.
Anxiety makes a person controlling because he believes that this is the only way he can protect himself from experiencing bad things in the future.
How do you deal with a controlling person?
Dealing with a controlling person is not easy, because in most cases people do not realize at all that they are being controlled.
However, if you notice some of the above signs and realize that your partner or someone else is controlling you, here’s how to deal with it more effectively.
- Reconnect with your family and friends
Connect with your family and friends. Express how sorry you are for letting someone come between you.
Ask them to hang out. Talk to them. These are the people who know you best and I am sure they can give you the best advice about your controlling relationship.
- Feel free to speak up
You have every right to express your opinion about everything. Relationships are all about equality, and if your partner can’t handle that, that’s their problem, not yours.
If something bothers you, also don’t hesitate to tell your loved one. This is how healthy relationships work.
You should be able to talk about your own feelings.
- Don’t be afraid to say no
If you’re not okay with something, tell your partner. You don’t have to agree with them on everything. Don’t be afraid of their reaction.
Even if they put up a fight to get out of it, there’s no need to worry. Conflicts and quarrels are also part of a relationship, what matters is how you and your partner deal with them.
- It’s time to reset your boundaries
Boundaries must be present in every healthy relationship. Trust me, the main reason for your partner’s abusive behavior is the lack of boundaries in your relationship.
Well, now is a good time to reset those boundaries. Think about it and identify the things that are bothering you in your relationship.
- Pay more attention to yourself and your well-being
Your lover is not the only person who matters in your relationship. You are important too. Your feelings matter. You need to start paying more attention to yourself. - Work on your self-confidence
If you have low self-esteem, it will make you an ideal target for a controlling person. Don’t allow it. Work on your self-confidence and be brave enough to put an end to being controlled. - Remind yourself of your self-worth
You deserve it. You are good enough. Your partner is not better than you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
Never allow anyone to convince you otherwise.
- Don’t change yourself anymore
Stop changing for someone who doesn’t respect you. Don’t lose your identity because of someone who never loved you.
If you allow someone to completely change you, you will never be the same, and that is something you will never be able to forgive yourself for.
- Seek professional help if necessary
If manipulative behavior also turns into physical abuse, your best option is to seek professional help. They will take better care of you.
If you are a victim of any type of abuse or know someone who is, you should contact National Local
Anti-Violence Hotline Organization. It is available 24 hours a day.
Sometimes it is possible to solve this problem and save your relationship through communication. You should talk to the other person about his controlling behavior and ask him if he is willing to change it to keep you.
On the other hand, sometimes you have no other choice but to put an end to your relationship and save yourself from a manipulator that is never going to change.
