Let’s be real – sometimes, we’re all guilty of passive-aggressive behavior. I know I am, even though I realize how toxic it is.
There are situations where it is easier to remain silent or sulk than to do the emotionally mature thing and express your feelings in a healthy way.
As long as this doesn’t happen frequently and you identify it as malicious, there’s probably nothing to worry about.
But what if you are dealing with someone who is completely unaware of their behavioral patterns?
How do you deal with a romantic partner whose primary form of communication is passive aggression?
Well, first of all, you need to identify passive aggressive behavior and know all the signs of passive aggression. Then, you can look for the most effective ways to deal with it.
Passive Aggressive Definition
What does passive aggression mean? The Mayo Clinic defines passive-aggressive behavior as “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative emotions rather than overtly processing them.”
In the past, passive-aggressive disorder was classified as a personality disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association decided to remove it from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and it is no longer considered a mental health condition. .
However, this alone does not make passive aggression any less dangerous. It is still a serious condition that affects an individual’s mental health.
Not only that: Passive aggressive behavior also affects family members, co-workers, and especially the romantic partners of those who suffer from it.
Symptoms of passive aggressive behavior
What are the signs of passive aggression? What are the red flags you should pay close attention to?
- The silent treatment
When you get into an argument with a passive-aggressive person, you will never get them to respond. They won’t tell you what’s bothering them, and they won’t mention your mistakes out loud.
Instead, what you get is something else: the silent treatment and frowns. You will see that they are in a bad mood and that something is wrong, but not a single word will come out of their mouth.
Those couples who constantly fight in the relationship and go through WWII every day might assume that this is kind of refreshing after all the drama. But trust me, this is a red flag!
Keeping your emotions, including anger, bottled up is not healthy. Any form of direct communication, which sometimes includes arguing, is better than passive aggressive ways of dealing with things.
How to deal with it
If you’re in a passive-aggressive relationship, your partner needs to improve their communication skills – that much is clear. But they can’t do it without your help.
The best thing you can do is let them cool a little and give them space. Do not demand answers immediately, let the situation calm down before entering into another confrontation.
After enough time has passed, go back to the passive-aggressive person and tell them that you want to acknowledge their feelings. Tell them they are being heard and encourage them to speak up.
- Sarcasm and sarcasm
Another example of passive aggressive behavior is the excessive use of sarcasm and sarcasm. Let’s be honest – we all use it from time to time, but the difference here is that people with passive aggressive disorder use sarcasm to hide their true feelings.
Instead of criticizing you publicly, they will insult you subtly. At the same time, they expect you to take the hint and magically change what’s bothering them.
Let’s take this as an example: Your co-worker, family member, or partner doesn’t like your choice of clothing for the day.
But when you ask them what they think about it, they’ll say something like: “Oh, your jacket is really nice. Did you borrow it from your grandmother?” Or “I like it.” But I didn’t know that 80s style was back.
How to deal with it
The worst idea is to go with the flow and respond with another sarcastic joke. I know you want to give them a taste of their own medicine, but trust me, this will only deepen the conflict even more.
Instead, let them know that you are fully aware of what they are doing. Tell them loudly and clearly that they are allowed to express their opinions without insulting you.
- Stubbornness and depression
Common signs of passive aggression are stubbornness, depression, and hostile behavior.
In fact, in 2009, a team of experts conducted a study. Psychiatry, interpersonal and biological processes: The construct validity of passive-aggressive personality disorder, on patients with passive-aggressive personality disorder.
And imagine what? Most of them were sullen and argumentative.
To be honest, we’re all guilty of this from time to time. However, when these responses become the only form of opposition a person can show, this is definitely a red flag.
What does this mean in a romantic relationship? Well, you have certain requirements from your partner.
It is completely normal that they disagree with some of your terms or are unable to meet your standards. That’s not the problem, the problem is that they won’t say anything about it.
Instead, they’ll start failing more, though. They will also feel depressed and sad without telling you the real reason behind this type of behavior.
How to deal with it
The best advice I can give you here is to choose your battles. If you want to try to repair this relationship, keep in mind that you can’t change this about your partner, so don’t lose them over every little thing they become stubborn or aggressive about.
- Constant complaining
According to some scientific studies, there is a close relationship between passive aggression and negative personality disorder. Passive aggressive people are also usually pessimistic and rarely see anything positive in life.
Simply put: Passive-aggressive people complain all the time. But they rarely protest against anything specific.
In fact, they complain and complain all the time. They are clearly unhappy with their mental health but refuse to do anything about it.
Instead, they prefer to spread their negative energy everywhere and destroy everyone’s health in the process.
How to deal with it
If negativity is one of your partner’s dominant personality traits, the most important thing is not to let it control you. Don’t let their negativity take the best from you.
In the meantime, you can always do your best to show them all the beauty that life has to offer.
- Denial of resentment
It’s completely normal to feel resentful from time to time, especially when we’ve been treated unfairly. However, it is unfair to pretend that everything is fine when you are actually holding a grudge against something long ago.
This is exactly what your partner does. They are frustrated and bitter but refuse to admit it. When you criticize them for their behavior, they accuse you of being crazy.
You’re nowhere near perfect, and you admit you’ve made a mistake in the past. But if they say they forgive you, should that hold against you for the rest of your life?
How to deal with it
First and foremost, do your best to correct your mistakes. But if you know you’ve apologized and done everything you can to show remorse, ignore their passive-aggressive ways. Don’t let your SO make you feel guilty about something he allegedly forgave you for.
- Underestimating the value of the victim
Passive aggression is often associated with narcissistic personality disorder. To be precise, it is a symptom of passive-aggressive narcissism.
If you are dealing with this type of narcissist, they will use all their energy to make you feel less worthy. They will do a lot of effort to lower your self-esteem and ultimately destroy your mental health.
The trick is that they won’t use direct insults – at least not at first. But have you ever heard of something called indirect compliments? It is a much more effective tool to kill someone’s self-esteem.
Basically, a backhanded compliment is the perfect combination of a compliment and an insult. For example, if you get a promotion, your narcissistic partner will say something like this:
“I didn’t expect you to get this promotion. Well done.”
Do you see what they did there? At first glance, they congratulated you, but in reality, they showed that they never believed in you or that you did not deserve it.
The problem is that most victims don’t understand this right away. Instead, their partners sabotage them for years with the help of these and similar techniques of manipulation.
And before you know it, you stop believing in yourself. You think that nothing you do is ever good enough, and it destroys your sense of self-worth.
How to deal with it
The best thing is to leave this situation as soon as possible. But I know that transitioning from a narcissist is a process, so until that happens, please work on your self-confidence.
Remember, no one is more important than your mental health and well-being. Instead of focusing on their insults, focus on all the good things you’ve accomplished.
Keep in mind that someone else’s opinion can never define you. In addition, it is clear that your partner sees that you are much better than him; Otherwise they wouldn’t feel the need to devalue you at any cost.
- Procrastination
Missing deadlines, showing up late, never getting anything done, deliberately underachieving, procrastinating, making excuses… Can you relate this to your partner? In this case, you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person.
Let me tell you that these are all red flags of passive aggressive behavior. This is very common for people with avoidant personality types.
I’ll be honest with you here. If your partner is doing all this, he is doing it to drive you crazy.
Sooner or later, you will complain about their irresponsible behavior. And do you know what will happen next? They will play dumb and act like they have no idea what you’re talking about.
It’s normal for you to get angry, and they will give you the silent treatment and feel insulted.
How to deal with it
Living with someone like this seems like an impossible task. But until you leave them, try not to depend on them for the things that matter to you.
Do you want your partner to mow the lawn? Trust me – it’s better to do it yourself or call a gardener.
But this is also a situation where you have to choose your battles. Don’t be upset by things that don’t affect you at all.
For example, if they refuse to go to a doctor’s appointment or procrastinate on taking their last test – that’s their problem. Just let them be and show them that their toxic personality traits don’t bother you at all.
What is a passive-aggressive attack?
The passive-aggressive attack is so subtle that many have difficulty recognizing it as an attack at first. There are no direct insults, screaming and other types of aggressive behavior.
Instead, you have the impression that you are dealing with a grouchy, grouchy toddler. Your partner clearly expects you to read his mind and find out what’s wrong without having the decency to express himself in a mature way.
What is an example of passive aggressive behavior?
The most common example of passive aggressive behavior is an angry person claiming that he or she is not angry. But not only do they deny feelings of anger, they do almost the same thing about everything they don’t like.
If you are in the middle of an argument and your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you that things are going your way or that everything is fine (when it clearly is not), this is an example of passive aggressive behavior.
Also, if they refuse to look at you, text you goodnight in the middle of the day, or angrily turn their backs on you in bed – you are dealing with a passive-aggressive partner.
