One of the things I hate most is a person who cannot take responsibility for his actions. Shifting blame is second nature to them.
I hate to admit that I’m very familiar with blame shifting. For years of my life, I believed everything was my fault, even when it clearly wasn’t – it was so full of evidence in my favor. Did this evidence stop the blame shifter in its tracks?
no. This is because the person who shifts blame is good at what he does, and will do it as long as he can get away with it.
Blame shifting is malicious
The biggest problem with blaming is that it can greatly damage a healthy person’s self-esteem. This heinous act will leave you questioning facts about your life and your character as well. Blaming someone else can be dangerous and completely life-ruining.
I know this all sounds like an exaggeration, but unfortunately, it’s not. Many mentally healthy individuals have been hurt so badly that they constantly question their self-worth. Do you know what we need to do? We need to see the blame shifters before they get to us.
Recognize the storm before it happens
- Apologize with conditions
If by chance you apologize at all, which rarely happens, they will use the “I’m sorry, but…” tactic. What I mean by this is that they will apologize, but they have to add some sort of defense mechanism to the apology.
Whether they’re about to shift some blame on you or make an excuse for their behavior, you’ll recognize them by their inability to apologize without adding a “but,” which completely negates the sincerity of responsibility. What they do is find a crack to get out from under what they did wrong.
- For this reason, for this reason
Shifting blame can be as easy as using cause and effect. While cause and effect are present, responsibility is the primary concern. Listen to this little interaction to understand:
Real Victim: “You really hurt my feelings when you yelled at me.”
Shifting blame: “Well, if you were to stop complaining about the same thing over and over again, I wouldn’t do it.”
There are two ways in which the person assigning blame can actually be wrong. First, they shouldn’t continue with behavior that constantly makes someone else nag. Most people complain when something bothers them, and they want to communicate.
People who pass the blame usually don’t communicate, so the problem is ignored. After a lot of complaining, they use verbal abuse as a means of intimidation. There are many other situations like this where toxic people use cause and effect to justify any blame placed on them.
- No connection
Blame shifting always comes with an inability to communicate. While these people can talk about problems on a superficial level, they remain silent when they are proven wrong. They have no excuses or reasons for their behavior. They may even outright lie.
And then, in the end, they will say that there is no reason to discuss this issue anymore. This is very harmful because it leaves problems hanging and never being resolved. This then leads to the appearance of bitterness. Many marriages have failed due to a lack of healthy and honest communication. Most often, you will recognize the person blaming him or her by their aversion to communication.
- Pity party
You’ll also know that you have the power to shift blame when they start telling you stories about their troubled childhood and how it made them the way they are now. While many people have had a really bad childhood, a toxic person will tell this story and exaggerate it so as not to take responsibility for current problems or mistakes.
It’s also okay to talk about past issues and how they made you do things, but you can’t use that excuse for every mistake you make. If you can’t take the blame to do something now, you will always remain a child. Watch out for the pity party.
- Flipping the script
This is an old term, but it fits perfectly with the tactic used by the blame shifter. When they’re caught red-handed, their first reaction is shock, and their second response is to find the quickest way to turn the incident over to you…using you as the villain.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “How can someone caught red-handed make the victim look bad?”
Well, they’re using carefully calculated manipulation. For example, let’s say you went to see your husband at work and he wasn’t there, so when he got home at the usual time, you asked him about it.
Now, some people will lie and say they had to leave for this or that reason, but if he wanted to shift the blame, he could shift the attention to you. He might say, “Why have you been stalking my workplace?”, “What’s wrong with you?”, and my favorite, “You still don’t trust me, do you?” He then proceeds to make an excuse for where he was, and then stays crazy for days.
The blame for the entire confrontation is now your fault. You should have minded your own business and stayed home.
How do we deal with these people?
Well, I hope you never have to put up with people like that because they have serious issues with themselves. Never believe that these things are your fault. Anyone who cannot take logical blame for their shortcomings has a problem that can only be solved by them or by professional help.
If you’re married to someone like this or stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of right now, you’re going to have to find different ways to live with that problem, and it’s a hard way.
