Love is a powerful force that can heal even the deepest wounds, but toxic ex-partners can leave scars that last long after the relationship ends. For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, the journey toward healing and finding love again can be especially daunting. The consequences of such a toxic attachment can leave individuals feeling broken, insecure, and uncertain about their ability to engage in a healthy relationship. Most survivors wonder how to handle a new relationship after narcissistic abuse.
In this article, we’ll dive into the brave journey of how to deal with a narcissistic ex when you’re in a new relationship, and suggestions on how to navigate the first weeks and months of getting to know someone.
So, grab your notebook, and let’s dive into it.
Understanding narcissistic motivations when you are in a new relationship
Before we talk about how to deal with a narcissistic ex-partner when starting a new relationship, it is necessary to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior in this context. Narcissists crave attention and control, using manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse to maintain their control over others.
This behavior often continues even after the relationship ends. If you don’t block them, they may continue to call and text you as if your breakup never happened or they aren’t ignoring you with complete disdain.
They may try to convince you to have “remaining friends”, which to them means that they will still control you through emotional manipulation and inserting themselves into your life whenever they want. Anyone who agreed to remain “friends with a narcissist” was not happy with that decision, unless they were still clinging to the vain hope that the relationship could be reshaped.
The narcissist may intensify his or her smear campaign in an attempt to destroy what little self-esteem you have left. They may go so far as to approach your new partner and try to get them to listen to the narcissistic side of things. In the narcissist’s mind, if you have no self-esteem and he is able to run away from your new partner, he can bring you back under his thumb so you can become his emotional punching bag again.
They will often do their best to sabotage your new relationship. In their minds, they don’t want what they believe is the source of their narcissism to go to someone else. That’s why it’s up to you to set impenetrable boundaries when starting a new relationship.
Staying connected to a toxic ex can prevent you from fully healing and overcoming past trauma. Unresolved feelings and traumas can surface in the new relationship, leaving you hypervigilant and agitated, even though there are no actual red flags in the new relationship.
This can cause you to act in ways that are unattractive to someone who has never had a narcissistic partner or any experience in toxic relationships. Most healthy people wouldn’t have a lot of patience for this kind of thing, because part of a healthy lifestyle is cutting ties with toxic people. So, if you care about the success of your new relationship, you must make sure that your narcissistic ex cannot violate your security.
How to deal with a new relationship after narcissistic abuse
Let’s go over how to deal with a new relationship after narcissistic abuse. Emotional baggage from a toxic past can create confidence issues, self-doubt, and anxiety. The narcissist may also try to interfere or cause conflict in your new relationship, putting your chances of finding happiness at risk.
If your breakup was fairly recent, you may still have an active trauma bond. This is why I always recommend waiting at least a year, with ongoing therapeutic work, before starting a new relationship. Failure to do this usually results in one of two things: 1) You will find yourself stuck in the middle of another toxic relationship, or 2) You will sabotage your new relationship.
Survivors of abuse often have difficulty trusting in new relationships because of past experiences. If your toxic ex is still in the picture, it may exacerbate these trust issues and lead to feelings of jealousy, doubt, or insecurity in the new relationship. You may find it hard to believe that your new partner won’t hurt you in the same way your ex did. You may find yourself stalking or monitoring your new partner without having a reason to do so.
Of course, you want to properly vet someone if you’re dating them. But the right pace and allowing people to show who they are shouldn’t make them feel like they’re under a microscope. Pay attention to red flags when they appear, but don’t invest too much of yourself in a new relationship until someone has earned your trust. This generally won’t happen during the honeymoon phase… but rather after the chemistry has broken down quickly and you’re able to see them for who they really are.
Set boundaries
The first step in dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner is to set clear boundaries. Remember, boundaries are not meant to punish or control the narcissist, but rather to protect yourself and your new relationship. And they’re not always boundaries that need to be expressed verbally to the narcissist… because they’re meant for you. It’s a road map of where you want things to be. So, you need to clearly understand what this looks like for you.
These boundaries generally seem to prevent the narcissist from accessing your phone, email, and social media accounts unless you have one of the big three situations like joint custody, co-employment, or co-employment. However, this does not mean that you should let them run free like a rabid dog tearing apart the neighborhood.
In any of these three situations, you will need to use a highly modified contact or allow your attorney to handle matters. I always recommend allowing them to contact you via email rather than your cell phone, as cell phone conversations do not provide proof of anything, and text messages are often not admissible in court if an amendment is needed. But since this is not legal advice, you should ask your lawyer.
