Have you ever wondered why a child so desperately craves love and attention from an abusive parent? Or maybe you always end up in toxic relationships? You may not have come across this term, but these are signs of trauma bonding.
What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding is a type of learned attachment style that occurs when intermittent abuse and affection replace love and care.
To form healthy relationships as we grow older, our early associations with our primary caregivers must be positive. When we are born, having our needs met quickly and experiencing comfort, positive attention, and unconditional love allows us to form healthy attachments.
These positive interactions with the people closest to us allow us to grow our confidence and boost our self-esteem. They set the template in our minds for what healthy, normal relationships are.
But suppose our early interactions and needs are met with abuse or violence interspersed with random emotional acts? We begin to associate love with abuse. Abusive relationships become normal for us. It is trauma that binds us, not love. However, we still crave love and attention from the person who abuses us.
If you have never experienced this type of intermittent reinforcement, whether as a child or an adult, it is difficult to understand trauma bonding. Perhaps it makes more sense to know that humans have a basic desire to form attachments with others, whether these attachments are loving or abusive. These attachments are essential to our survival.
Now, when we talk about survival, it is important to know that we are activating the primitive part of our brain. All logic and reason go out the window. We don’t think about the future or long-term consequences. Our immediate concern is to stay in that moment.
As a result, we learn what works for survival at the moment and what doesn’t. These patterns of behavior become ingrained in our psyche. We repeat it in future relationships. We look for partners who show similar characteristics to previous partners.
How does trauma bonding happen?
Trauma bonding occurs when two people experience extreme, intense, risky, and frightening situations together. In intermittent reinforcement, the abuser is harsh and cruel and then distributes affection or kindness indiscriminately.
We have become addicted to this “small perception of kindness.” Despite the abuser’s overwhelmingly cruel and sadistic behavior, we exaggerate this kindness out of proportion.
“In situations of threat and survival, we look for evidence of hope – a small sign that the situation might get better. When the abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the benefit of the abuser as well, the victim interprets this small kindness as A positive trait of a captor.
Dr. Carver – Author – Love and Stockholm Syndrome
Why do narcissists use trauma bonding?
Trauma binding is an ideal tool in a manipulator or predator’s armory. It is especially favored by narcissists because it gives them a high level of control over their victim.
To fully understand why victims remain trapped in the trauma bond, we must examine how the brain and body interact during the early stages of bonding.
Stress hormones
When we feel stressed, the body releases stress hormones such as cortisol. In moments of stress, the body secretes the “fight or flight” hormone adrenaline.
Feel-good hormones
Once adrenaline floods the body, the brain jumps into action to combat this and sends massive doses of dopamine – the “feel good” hormone.
Our brain tells us to pay attention when dopamine is released because it is essential for our survival. Most importantly, dopamine levels are higher after abuse and unexpected rewards.
Love hormone
Oxytocin is the love hormone that is also called the “cuddle” hormone. It is released after sex, when we touch or even pet a pet. Mothers are exposed to high doses after their babies are born because it helps them bond.
Narcissists use techniques such as love bombing or charming behavior to initiate this powerful chemical. They will mirror your behavior and pretend to understand your deepest desires to form a closer connection.
Signs you confuse abuse with love
- It’s your fault they mistreat others
If you had cooked dinner the way he liked, he wouldn’t have to hit you. Maybe if you got better grades, your parents wouldn’t blame you for all the sacrifices they had to make. - They criticize you just to help you
Constantly insulting or belittling you in public is not constructive criticism. Especially if it makes you feel worthless. In a healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you. - You stop expressing your true feelings
At the beginning of this new relationship, you felt like you were equals. You will discuss with your partner and express yourself. Now you must be silent. You don’t want to start another argument. - You anticipate their wants and needs before your own
Do you always think about what time they will get home? Are you rearranging furniture or making sure everything looks right? Do you have to watch the clock to make sure you arrive on time? - You start walking on eggshells around them
Do you find that the slightest little thing will drive them apart?
I remember being woken up at 3am by my ex yelling at me because I didn’t wash my cutting board properly. He was complaining that I was deliberately ironing his shirts wrong. I look at that relationship now and it seems ridiculous that I put up with it for so long.
- You lower your standards to be with this person
I remember the first time my ex called me the “C” word. I was shocked. He didn’t even apologize. I knew he crossed the line and that if I continued the relationship, things would get worse. I did. By this time, I felt worthless anyway.
- You think you can change it
At the beginning of the relationship, things were very different. They were kind and charming and treated you with respect. You fell hard and fast without realizing they were bombarding you with love. Now you believe that with love and support, you can change him back into the person he was before.
But this person was fake.
- You feel lucky that he tolerates you
My ex used to say this all the time. He exhausted me so much that I felt grateful to him for staying with me. I think having a mother who never expressed any love towards me always led me to believe that I didn’t deserve to be loved.
Predators are skilled at identifying people who may be vulnerable in this way.
- You defend them against others
One clear sign of trauma connection is if you go out of your way to protect or excuse their behavior. For example, your family may feel anxious, or your friends may urge you to leave the relationship.
But you defend them. Have excuses ready. It was their rotten childhood. They’re not always like this. It’s your fault for stopping them.
