Has anyone ever said to you, “Oh, don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re overreacting”? These are all examples of emotional invalidation, and although they may seem harmless enough, they can have long-lasting consequences.

What is emotional invalidation?

Emotional invalidation is ignoring a person’s feelings. It means that whatever you are feeling or thinking now is irrelevant. Instead of accepting and understanding a person’s feelings, they are questioned, ignored, or even ridiculed.

If emotional invalidation continues regularly, and for long enough, it can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness. Research shows that daily checking in confirms our understanding of the world and how we perceive it.

So what are the signs of emotional invalidation? It can be verbal or non-verbal.

20 Signs of emotional invalidation

Verbal cues include phrases such as:
“Don’t be so emotional.”
“Why are you always so sensitive?”
“just kidding.”
“What is the big deal?”
“Stop acting like a sissy.”
“Well, you didn’t have to do that.”
“We’ve all been there. You gotta get over it.”
“You’re being silly.”
“Focus on the important things in life.”
“Stop frowning.”
“You know I didn’t mean it.”
“grow up.”
“It could be worse.”
Nonverbal signs include things like:

-Eye rolling when someone is talking
Walk away mid-conversation
Ignore the person while he or she is speaking
You play on your phone and don’t listen
Read the newspaper when they want to talk

• Interrupting when a person is speaking
  Change the subject to talk about yourself
  Why is emotional invalidation so harmful?
  “Psychological invalidation is one of the deadliest forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity, and individuality.” Dr Anne Brown RNMS

When our identity is validated, we feel valued, useful, and accepted. We learn to trust our feelings, and this leads to a greater sense of self. Validation strengthens our identities. People agree with us, and it makes us feel confident in what we express and experience later.

Studies show that sharing our emotions is an important social service; It makes our needs and desires clear to others.

So when our emotions are invalidated, we feel as if we don’t matter, or that our opinions don’t matter. We feel as if we are not allowed to feel a certain way. We think that others know better than us.

We begin to question whether we have the right to feel the way we feel. Maybe we are too sensitive? Maybe we should learn hardening? We may have overreacted and misjudged the situation.

The harmful effects of emotional invalidation

The problem with emotional invalidation is that we eventually begin to suppress our emotions. Not only that, but we begin to distrust our feelings. We must be wrong. However, not trusting your feelings can lead to several problems:

Identity issues: Over time, experiencing emotional invalidation can lead to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in yourself. When your emotions are constantly questioned, you believe that your thoughts, feelings, and way of seeing the world are wrong.
Emotional Issues: We make many decisions based on our emotional response to a situation or person. If your feelings are always ignored, you may begin to mistrust the way you feel. This leads to poor decision making and poor life choices.
Mental Health Issues: Ultimately, the effects of emotional invalidation will affect your mental health. Constantly being told that how you feel is irrelevant or ridiculous can lead to anxiety and, in particular, depression.

What do you do if your emotions become invalid?

It can be difficult to insist that your feelings are valid in the face of someone determined to squash them. But there are ways to combat emotional invalidation:

Be consistent – You have the right to feel how you feel in this moment or next. Just because someone says your feelings don’t matter, or that you’re overreacting, doesn’t mean they have the right to make you feel differently.

After all, how could anyone know what you’re thinking?

Speak objectively – We are more likely to experience emotional invalidation during times of stress. When explaining your feelings, be objective. State why you feel the emotion using hard facts, not emotion. For example:

“I’m upset because you forgot my birthday, and it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”

Set boundaries – For the sake of your mental health, you need to set clear boundaries and not get drawn into a discussion about your feelings. Your feelings are not wrong, they reflect the way you look at the situation.

It doesn’t matter whether this person agrees with you or not. What they shouldn’t do is tell you how to feel.

Moving on – If someone repeatedly invalidates your feelings and you can’t get them to understand you, you’ll need to make a decision.

Usually, the closer the relationship, the more we need to be emotionally heard and validated. This person may be important to you, but if they don’t have the emotional intelligence to change, you may have to move on.

What to do if you are guilty of emotional invalidation?
He listens
I ask
Displays

We all tend to give advice, pass judgment, or filter the conversation to fit our own experiences. It takes practice to validate another person’s feelings.

Listen – If someone is upset, stop and actually listen to what they are saying. Don’t rush your mind, trying to come up with solutions or examples. Just take their words and really try to see their point of view.

Repeat – It is a good idea to repeat what the person said until you clearly understand why they are upset. For example; You can say,

“You told me you were angry because I was late again, is that true?”

Acknowledgment – Acknowledging an emotion is validating it. For example, you could say,

“I see you’re angry with me, what can I do to make you feel better?” Or “I’m sorry I upset you, I’ll try to be on time in the future.”

Remember, it’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about accepting the way the other person feels.